Shockingly huge age gap, wwyd?

[Saponaria]

I'm am 40 and my partner is 67, so we have a 27 year age gap. We've been together for three years. It's the best relationship I've ever had. He is the most wonderful man and the most loving partner that anyone could ever wish for. He is incredibly wise, sexy, fun, and so much more!

He looks after himself very well, he is physically very fit and has a great body! Also great posture and dresses well. He could pass for 50.
He has had some health issues, cancer and heart problems, but he is fighting fit again now and has bags of energy and enthusiasm for life. He is a really positive, motivated and energetic person. Our sex life is fantastic and I really fancy him despite our age gap.

I am happily child-free, have my own home and work full time. My partner is retired and I see him at the weekends. We live separately.

I'm currently taking stock of the relationship and trying to decide whether to continue. The age gap was a big deal for me at the start but we have proved it can work, it's not something that either of us notices. We have so many shared interests and we're extremely compatible on multiple levels.

However I'm now thinking about the future. If you were me, would you continue with the relationship? Or would you end it now and try and build a life with someone that is more your age?

He has set the bar EXTREMELY high so I worry that I won't find anyone as wonderful as him that I am compatible with on so many levels. It's hard to imagine life without him.

Really need help and perspective!

I'd stay in the relationship but be very very clear you aren't going to be his carer. I would have an open discussion about how he is going to fund his care and who from his family will step in and be a carer if needs be.

But I would also think about your own safety net for your care as you age. Once he is gone and it you need care, do you have people who will step in or a financial plan for that?

Well at that stage, what’s to stop you leaving the relationship there? You’re not married.. you can then move on when the time is right.
Or be nurse maid and wipe up his dribble ..

Less of an issue when not married, not living together and not financially tied, surely?

Still not pleasant though is it? Should she visit him in his Residential Home? Do they do overnighters?? Can they still have dates??
Let us be under no illusion here, that if the shoe was on the other foot, and OP was in fact the OAP, it would be a very different story.

I don’t see any reason at all why you are thinking of ending it tbh??? Just because of age? What do you really mean by that because you make it very clear in your post the age is not an issue - do you mean you are worried about how dying and you being alone?? You mention his health so I’m guessing it’s that.

If you were with someone the same age as you, and they faced a terminal illness for example, would that make you consider leaving?

When you are 60+, it’s probable that anyone you are with will end up with health problems. Would you leave then??

I suppose I’m saying these things because I can’t really see what your issue is with him exactly; you seem very happy! Why would you end it? It would be wise to make sure he has a plan for care etc at end of life to some degree but i could say the same for you!!

X

Why do you assume you will be his carer? Sorry, but people don’t only get ill when they are older. You could be the one to get ill. Also, you could be with someone of your own age who gets ill or dies. We none of us know what is going to happen. It sounds as if you are just thinking the grass might greener somewhere else. If you are in love and happy, why change anything? And never assume that you will easily be able to find someone else.

Ergh this is tricky.
I don't subscribe to the "you could die tomorrow so why bother thinking about it" being applied here.
Anyone's partner could need care but yours is pretty much guaranteed to. It isnt the same
Its like one woman saying "dont worry about whether or not you'll have a healthy baby - it could happen to anyone"
When the womas saying it is late 20s within a 30 yo dh and both genetically fit. You are naturally pregnant aged 46 with a 60yr old partner who already has health compliants.
You should be thinking about the babies health / the pregnancy / the future and your options.
Otherwise you are sleepwalking through life letting it happen at you

I agree finding "happiness with a new love" deeply unlikely. And what you have sounds great / is valuable.
Equally, your current happiness isnt stable you are metaphorically walking on the edge of an eroding cliff.
You've very likely got 1-2 good years max I'd say.

I'm your age.
My dm is approx 4-5 years older than your partner

She has/ had a young mindset and was always visit progressive and forward thinking. Open to new things and we had lots of fun together. Never seemed "old".
The last 2 years or so she has changed.

It's not that shes infirm or losing her marbles ahe has a couple of health complaints but shes just (and I feel bad saying this) much grumpier, harder work and unfun.
Everything is difficult she cant just say yes and she gets upset very easily / is quick to anger. Travel is a nightmare now.

She's almost a different person and this happened rapidly.

We were so close i loved doing things with her now I have to take a deep breath...

Given you are financially separate unless you want to be his nurse (I'm on the same page as the pp who worked in a nursing home.. and dead against age gap relationships as it just screws women)

There's no clear easy answer

Does it matter? You don’t want kids and don’t live together. For now it’s good. Just don’t mingle your finances

he won’t be a stupid man - have a chat and agree you aren’t going to be his carer!

I have noticed this with my dm (similar age) and one physical set back was like dominos. Rather than recovering from a knee issue she went on to break a wrist and then reduced mobility has spiralled.

What do you want in your life? From what you wrote you are happily child free, have your own home and work full time. You have got to the age of 40 and this is obviously your path. Your partner fits in well with your life style. Why not just enjoy the years you have together? He comes from a generation where they still 'got it', life that is as they grew up in the post war years. You won't find another like him. As life throws curve balls all the time, enjoy every moment you can with him and treasure them. When you get to my age (same as your partner) you will look back on the happy days of your life, not on the 'I had a relationship with a work driven superman'. Perhaps with jobs we can try to plan the future but with relationships, from what I read about the 'choice' out there nowadays, would you want to damage your relationship with him and also hurt him. OK if you fall out of love with him, then let it take its natural course, but if you really 'love' him, then stay with him. Relationships like this are organic; you can't manipulate them. I wish you many years of happiness and a good life.

I think you’ve already got one foot out of this relationship, otherwise you wouldn’t be questioning it.

Don’t assume too much. We have a sizeable age gap and right now they’re looking after me. I by far have had the worse health issues over the years and you just can’t know exactly how things will turn out. What I do know is that if you love each other, you’ll face it as a team not as ‘patient and carer’.

Re him maybe needing care one day. Either you would love him and want to be there for him / feel the obligation or not. If not, it would be pretty cold, as some have suggested, to say goodbye at that point and dance off to find a new, younger, shinier model.

I'm sure no one actively wants to be the carer for their partner one day, but if you can't face that now, maybe you aren't really proper partners at all.

If in doubt, don't- as my mother used to say.

Why do people do this. Give examples of very rare incidents as if they are a likely outcome. Early onset dementia is rare. It is much more likely that someone twenty years older will develop dementia, or other age related illnesses.

its similar to the argument that someone once knew a 30 year old dad who was killed in a car accident therefore 75 year old man should have a baby because he is just as likely to die and leave a young child fatherless as a 30 year old. It is just nonsense.

I'm nearly 75 and still working full time - it really depends how active you are physically and mentally. I do find that amongst my friends who've retired they seem to be much slower mentally. So it's about exercising the brain that keeps you younger!

Bit of a contradiction in your post in that you say you are both happy living apart and then, I think, stated he was looking for more. Does he want you to move in with the aim that you would care for him when he becomes frail? It doesnt sound like you love him enough to want to care in that way.

You are effectively friends with benefits. That's fine, enjoy it. Average life expectancy another 16.5 years but he could have a heart attack any time or live to a hundred. You could have a car accident and die tomorrow.

Life does not come with any guarantees. You could find another partner who would be infirm within years. If you are not sure what you want look around, my suspicion is you will not find anything better.

You are always free to leave if, in the future, something about the relationship becomes unsuitable for you.

I would also feel a bit of an "ick" when someone as old as your partner wants to bed a female who looks old enough to be his granddaughter. But if its ok for you and you are both happy at the moment - I would say just enjoy it while it lasts.

He's had a lot of health issues at a relatively young age which has made you question the future. I wouldn't want to continue a relationship with someone who is 27 years older than me on that basis.

You've definitely hit on something there! I'm 65 and still working. If you have to get up the morning, interact with people, keep up to date with tech etc it does keep you young. I have a friend who is the same age as me and she retired at 50. She seems very much older than me now and has allowed her world to shrink and tries nothing new.

Not sure you’ve “proved the age gap can work” when you live separately, only see him at weekends, there’s no young children involved, and you’re currently going through this dilemma.

That said, most single men your own age are single for good reason. So I would crack on with the great sex, and let your partner’s adult children assume caring responsibilities when that time comes.

Yeah, I dont get this either. You can always find outliers in any scenario but it doesnt make it likely or common, or sensible. I know someone who smoked heavily into their 80s- does that mean none of us should care about the health effects of smoking because one person I know was fine? Of course not.

Yes, it's true that ill health can happen to anyone but so can winning the lottery- do you base your financial decisions on the likelihood of this or on the basis of your actual likely finances?

The chances are, with a large age gap, the younger person is far more likely to end up being the carer of the older person- this is why you dont get 70 year olds being recruited to play for football clubs or playing the final in Wimbledon and to pretend otherwise is just silly and naive.

OP- you need to think carefully about this. I used to work with the older population and I have seen it time and time again whereby a woman just entering peri menopause is having to care for her husband who is in his 70s/80s and its life shattering.

No, with the benefits of hindsight, I wouldn’t stay.

My partner is in his 70’s and is 15yrs older and although still reasonably healthy, he’s had cancer and a heart condition and has regular hospital appointments during the year.

I’m retired now but his health issues have limited our options and we can’t travel long haul anymore. I wanted to spend my early retirement years travelling and doing fun things but it isn’t going to happen now as I’m now his default carer and he also can no longer drive due to eyesight issues.

Yes of course some people slow up mentally, and develop physical health problems, after they reach 70.

For some people this happens at a much younger age.

It's just the casual ageism on a lot of MN threads where blanket assumptions are made about older people that are so insulting.

If you are working full time at nearly 75 you are a good example of how ridiculous a lot of the ageist comments and assumptions are.

Not sure you’ve “proved the age gap can work” when you live separately, only see him at weekends, there’s no young children involved, and you’re currently going through this dilemma

I agree with this. OP- it sounds like you have a very casual relationship as it is and I dont think it's comparable to a couple with a large age gap who are married and living together at all because you can easily opt out of this if you find it doesnt suit you.

You also arent dealing with his day to day moods, you only see him at weekends when both of you can present a good front and there are no children or household chores in the mix to worry about your relationship being "equal". This isnt a criticism at all- but I dont really think you can say this "proves" age gaps can work since you arent even living together and have enough shared responsibilities.

If I was you, and you want to continue then just carry on but keep it very casual and make that explicitly clear. As long as everyone is honest about their intentions then noone is doing anything wrong.

I'd say that the fact that you're actively thinking about it means that it's a bigger concern than you're making out.

If you've got doubts even when things are this good maybe it's time to bow iut.