Shockingly huge age gap, wwyd?

[Saponaria]

I'm am 40 and my partner is 67, so we have a 27 year age gap. We've been together for three years. It's the best relationship I've ever had. He is the most wonderful man and the most loving partner that anyone could ever wish for. He is incredibly wise, sexy, fun, and so much more!

He looks after himself very well, he is physically very fit and has a great body! Also great posture and dresses well. He could pass for 50.
He has had some health issues, cancer and heart problems, but he is fighting fit again now and has bags of energy and enthusiasm for life. He is a really positive, motivated and energetic person. Our sex life is fantastic and I really fancy him despite our age gap.

I am happily child-free, have my own home and work full time. My partner is retired and I see him at the weekends. We live separately.

I'm currently taking stock of the relationship and trying to decide whether to continue. The age gap was a big deal for me at the start but we have proved it can work, it's not something that either of us notices. We have so many shared interests and we're extremely compatible on multiple levels.

However I'm now thinking about the future. If you were me, would you continue with the relationship? Or would you end it now and try and build a life with someone that is more your age?

He has set the bar EXTREMELY high so I worry that I won't find anyone as wonderful as him that I am compatible with on so many levels. It's hard to imagine life without him.

Really need help and perspective!

On the whole, health declines at 80+ rather than 70. Unless you're unlucky to get cancer or another disease that's not 'controllable' many people live healthily till their 80s. But it takes effort to exercise and eat healthily.

More generally, the population as a whole is unfit and overweight.
My parents' generation (born in the 1920s) are much fitter because of the lifestyle and diet they had for decades. Most of my family have lived into their 90s and been relatively active and well except for a year or two at the end of life.

In her 70s, my mum was doing tai chi, charity work, going to the WI and on outings, and my dad was doing long distance walking (coast to coast.)

70 is relatively young these days- the state pension age will be that pretty soon.

You may end up caring for him for years, or he may die before it comes to that.

You may die before him - no one has a crystal ball.

For me personally, the risk of caring for a man 20 years my senior for 10+ years, and spending my retirement not being able to enjoy holidays or trips to the beach because my husband is bed bound would be too much.

That said, I would never have got into the relationship in the first place, so I wouldn't be in your predicament!

I know it could of course happen to me anyway by way of an accident or untimely illness, but its much a more certain future when you're with someone 20 years older than you.

It's a hard one as he seems like such a lovely man. Age is a very important factor, some people say age is just a number but we know it definitely isn't. Where do you see yourself in ten years time? You will still be young and he will be almost 80, there are many fit active 80 years olds around but I'd look at it that way. You are asking the question so it's definitely a huge issue. It's very hard when you find someone who is lovely and nice but when he is old and slowing down you will also have to. It's a sad world.

Leave him, absolutely.

70 is on the cusp though isn't it. It tends to be downhill afterwards regarding energy and health. Yes many are fit and active but not as fit and active as a 40yr old.

This man will be 80 when she's in her 50s. Can you imagine that, having a romantic relationship with an 80 yr old while in your early 50s .

I'm in a book club with a load of women and I'm the youngest along with another woman. We have an almost 85 year old who works in the library, volunteers, painted her own flat and sells her paintings. There's also an older lesbian couple both retired teachers who I took to be 80 (and I thought bloody good for 80 too) because one of them said she was bringing cupcakes next time for her "big birthday" - she turned out to be 90.

Being 80 or 85 and active is great. Many aren't though and if they are then very very few will be having sex with people nearly 30yrs younger.

Has he mentioned his plans for his old age at all? However young he feels he surely must know that time is ticking on and that he will eventually start to decline. Seems like this is the elephant in the room for you two. What do you mean when you say he "wants more certainty" from you? I think that's also an important part that may materially affect the advice you receive depending on the specifics of what it means.

For me my perspective is coloured by the fact that my grandad is 40 years older than me so a 26 year age gap would put my partner closer to my grandad's age than mine which is just a complete red line. Well to be honest a partner being closer to my mum's age than mine is the red line that comes before that, which means that 8 years older would be my absolute limit.

He’s not your partner so no one would expect you to have any involvement in any care he needs. It sounds like a very casual relationship- friends with benefits perhaps or boyfriend at most. If that works for you great! If I were you I’d keep an open mind about looking for someone your own age though if you might like a more committed relationship. I actually think it’s a bit grim / selfish for an old bloke with health issues to expect commitment from a young(ish) woman in her prime. He should be thinking ‘no, you don’t want to be saddled with me!’.

This. OP, you do not know what the future will bring. You could be the one whose health takes an unfortunate dip, you could end up in a caring role next year or in 15 years. Who knows? If this is right for you, I wouldn't worry about outside perceptions or the age gap.

And I am saying this as somebody who is usually very critical of relationships with a big age gap!

Edit: I do however think that a frank concersation is needed. You should make plans for the future, possible care needs, finances etc.

Had some time with one of my oldest friends recently. She is 61, partner is 84. He is still fit and healthy he was building a new shed whilst we had a cuppa.
When they got together when she was 30 there was so much fuss. I can understand why.
They are so happy together. She’s under no illusions that he will probably go first but they’ve already had 30 years. She didn’t want children either so it was never an issue.

Not sure what your point is re the last paragraph?

"Shockingly huge" age gap.
To whom, fucking people around you?

My husband is thirty years older. Healthy, does what he can, looks a decade younger.
I'm 46, married for 20 years.
Also child free, my own assets, never needed to work as a result of this marriage.
(Or spend time with my emotionally abusive parents in another country either).
If you are alright, I (obviously) don't see
a problem. Cannot imagine pandering to a man of my own age, at least I have peace now, when my body is changing etc.
And if he needs future care, there is plenty to pay for it.

See what YOU are happy with.

OP I think you are being very sensible here - weight up what you want from the next twenty or thirty years of your life. He could be in perfect health for all of this but realistically he might also experience poor health.

its an unfortunate fact of life that our health declines as we age. we all mentally prepare for taking in additional caring responsibilities for our parents. It’s up to you if you want to be with someone this much older than you.

Why did his marriage fail? How many times has he been married?

How and why are his adult children (20s-30s) emotionally immature? What sort of father has he been?

I think it sounds very much like walking away is not really an option. If you love this man and have built a good life with him, wouldn't it really upset you to leave "just in case" there is someone more age appropriate out there for you? People normally only upset the apple cart if something is really wrong, it doesn't sound like anything currently is wrong, there's just the prospect of having to move on in future when he dies before you. Why not cross that bridge when you come to it?

I don't think you are having a midlife crisis by turning 40. I think by now you know yourself well and common sense is telling you the age gap will get worse every year. You haven't even turn 40, and he's already close to 70. He's fit, fun, caring and supportive but age is a biological factor with huge implications for health issues and mental decline, specially after 70. Even if he's still fit and active in his 70s, he won't be at 80 leaving you in your early 50s much less likely to find the relationship you want. We may not like acknowledging it, but finding a good relationship diminishes the older we get.

I doubt you'll find an overwhelming one way majority responses from posters. We all bring our own life experiences and saying "don't fix what isn't broken" is also valid when you don't live together, share finances or blended families. You are enjoying a great relationship without every day problems, so why end it?

I'm just glad I'm not in your shoes to make this decision.

'Also child free, my own assets, never needed to work as a result of this marriage'

I think if there is a financial incentive like not having to work and pay bills it is understandable but the op is independent and she doesn't live in his house. So facing the next couple of decades with an oap will be less appealing.

@Bellyblueboy what does your graph represent? It's very interesting, but I'm trying to work out what the colours mean? illness necessitating care?

Sorry - if you click on it there will be a bigger picture. It represents people’s assessment of their health from very good to very poor. Illustrates how this changes with age.

I think the fact that you are on here questioning it and worrying about the age gap probably says that this isn't the relationship for you.
Plenty of people make it work and lots of posters have come on here with proof that it can but I think having as many doubts as you do early on is not a good sign. If he and this relationship were right for you the age gap just wouldn't matter because you would love him enough for it not to.

I think the fairest thing for both of you is to end it. If he does get ill or it does go wrong for other reasons I think you will resent him because you feel that you could easily get into another relationship now but might not later on down the line.
Bow out now and look for someone nearer your age.

Do you remember that quote from Joan Collins ( 67 to 32 when married 2002)well if he dies!)" !Only today I read about Steph Haughtons husband who has MND. She is now having to help him dress.I am currently in remission from Ovarian Cancer .One thing I have learnt is to take each day as it comes.Nothing concentrates the mind like hours spent on Chemo!No one knows how the future will pan out .Age is just a number ,dearly missed FIL drove to 92 and still visited US for family hols to 90! Stay with the silver fox is my advice .On here and in RL there are no end of ghastly husbands and boyfriends !

Just to stick my oar in again, OP, your first post describes the things you are excited about in this relationship:
He looks after himself very well, he is physically very fit and has a great body! Also great posture and dresses well.
He could pass for 50.
He has bags of energy and enthusiasm for life.
He is a really positive, motivated and energetic person.
Our sex life is fantastic.

None of these are "This is the only person I have ever felt comfortable and happy with" which (as the older one in a big age-gap relationship) is, in my view, the ONLY reason a big age gap wouldn't matter over time (and it still might, with mental decline).

The positives you mention are also things that will definitely change in the years ahead.

You also haven't explained (I don't think!) in what way he is looking for "more certainty" from you. I did quite the opposite with my younger DH, as I was really concerned about him ending up with an old bag one day, but he pushed ahead with it despite my concerns and still denies they actually matter in our relationship.

I think what you're mulling over in this thread is your surprise at how compatible someone so much older than you can be, but from what you have said so far the compatibility seems to be based on things that will decline or even disappear with age (maybe apart from the dressing well, but an 85-year-old tends not to look so good in a sharp suit 😊).

@Saponaria It’s completely valid to want to prepare for the future but there’s a difference between planning and giving up something good out of fear for what might happen. Have you had a conversation with him about these feelings? What’s his perspective? From everything you’ve shared, it’s clear you love this man and he loves you. You’ve said yourself that no one would compare to him, and that you’re happy. And he’s happy too. So what’s the plan? To walk away and feel heartbroken, just in case? Or to stay, enjoy the life and love you have now, and trust that whatever the future brings, it will have been worth it? None of us can predict the future. My grandma is 89 and going strong. My neighbour is 97, lives alone, and still drives and has her wits. And it sounds grim but life is unpredictable and anything can happen to any of us, at any age. You might never face the situation you’re fearing.. for all you know you might die before him! I truly believe that if you let this go for future worries, you’d look back and regret it. He sounds like a lovely man, far better than some of the 40 year old “husbands” people talk about on here! If you really love him, stay xx

Age aside, based on the way that you describe him in your posts it sounds like you're "settling"