Shockingly huge age gap, wwyd?

[Saponaria]

I'm am 40 and my partner is 67, so we have a 27 year age gap. We've been together for three years. It's the best relationship I've ever had. He is the most wonderful man and the most loving partner that anyone could ever wish for. He is incredibly wise, sexy, fun, and so much more!

He looks after himself very well, he is physically very fit and has a great body! Also great posture and dresses well. He could pass for 50.
He has had some health issues, cancer and heart problems, but he is fighting fit again now and has bags of energy and enthusiasm for life. He is a really positive, motivated and energetic person. Our sex life is fantastic and I really fancy him despite our age gap.

I am happily child-free, have my own home and work full time. My partner is retired and I see him at the weekends. We live separately.

I'm currently taking stock of the relationship and trying to decide whether to continue. The age gap was a big deal for me at the start but we have proved it can work, it's not something that either of us notices. We have so many shared interests and we're extremely compatible on multiple levels.

However I'm now thinking about the future. If you were me, would you continue with the relationship? Or would you end it now and try and build a life with someone that is more your age?

He has set the bar EXTREMELY high so I worry that I won't find anyone as wonderful as him that I am compatible with on so many levels. It's hard to imagine life without him.

Really need help and perspective!

I think it’s too much of a difference, you could still be friends with benefits but personally I wouldn’t want to be exclusive and I say that as someone nearing retirement myself. I can’t imagine living harmoniously with some one 27 years younger than me.

It’s vastly different when it’s a long term relationship which is already established, but this one isn’t.

they don’t live together and OP doesn’t want to.

if she doesn’t want commitment while it’s fun she sure as hell isn’t going to want it and to care for him when his health fails and he’s impotent.

Yes. Maybe her health could fail, but we all know that failing health in old age is guaranteed, whereas when you’re younger it’s a chance thing.

I suppose what it boils down to OP is: do you think he is UNIQUELY right for you?

It sounds as though you're really enjoying the relationship but overthinking it a bit. There is no need to do more than take each day as it comes and see how you feel. No pressure on you to provide elderly care!

You say you're worrying that you might not be capable of feeling deep love, but I'm sure you are. Maybe you just really appreciate him, rather than thinking he's the one for you?

What's put all this anxiety into your head? You mentioned him "wanting a bit more certainty" from you, but you haven't explained this (unless I missed it - sorry!).

That's why you look young. It's okay to feel that way about him. Maybe he is looking for a fun companion. You owe him nothing. If you enjoy his company and fun times with him carry on. You don't have to live with him. He does have children as well who will look after him eventually? It's not your responsibility just have fun.

Be happy with him whilst you can.
Imagine if you left him and ended up either not finding anyone else, or someone you didn't feel the same about.
Yes you won't likely be able to spend the rest of your life with him, but that's never guaranteed anyway.

I think this is very likely to happen (him passing away in your 50's). Not so much you not being able to attract blokes, more that the pool of decent available men seems to narrow.

As long as you have your future finances and a general idea about care in old age sorted, why not?

If you’re happy, why wouldn’t you continue to be together. In my opinion, and as long as nothing illegal is happening, age is just a number. You sound like you’re both having a wonderful time together so why end it?

It's not at all creepy. How odd

Speaking personally, no it isn't

And if he takes as much care of himself as you say, then it isn't old

To me, things start to show more at 80+

Honestly it sounds like its working for you, and if you are independent soul (like me) then you can end it at any time. It doesn't sound like he has any expectations of "wife-ing" you so you are under no obligations that might be expected of a wife i.e. carer.

You sound like you have an amazing life at the moment, I would enjoy it and see what happens in a few years.

Why do you have to be youthful to find love? He’s proved that dating later in life is completely possible. It sounds like you’re going to ditch him through fear rather than genuine reasoning.

@Saponaria The fact that you are now questioning the relationship, to me, now means that it is time to look for a younger model. He's only 4 years younger than me and I groan now when I sit down and stand up !

One of our neighbours married a woman 20+ years younger in his 60s. I believe she was 40. She's dead now, had early onset dementia at 59 and HE finished up being HER career when he was kicking 80.

He's already had cancer and cardiac issues and he's in his late 60s. If he had chemo and or radiation, that's hard on the body and he's going to need regular scans. He'll also need regular follow up for his cardiac issues and that could easily turn into a chronic issue.

If you stay, he very likely will need a carer in the not so distant future. My husband in his late 60s went from perfectly healthy to dead in less than a year and that year was hell.

How hard is he working to keep up with you at present? It's going to get harder for him and how will you feel when he can't keep up?

He sounds like a nice guy but the big age gap means you're in 2 vastly different life stages. You're in early middle age and he's in the senior stage where he's looking at retirement and preparing for old age. Are you a way to avoid that for him?

I guess I would think about what happens if you were diagnosed with an illness and needed care and support within five years (health can take a turn for anyone, no one is exempt). You sound financially stable but who is in your corner? You say you are childfree. Do you have a cohort of friends and family to step into that emotional support role that’s needed or would this guy be there for you, no hesitation? If yes, I think your answer is enjoy the relationship and be there for him. It sounds fantastic with both of you having separate residences (can you talk my DH into that lol).

He is wanting a bit more certainty from me and I'm feeling unclear about my future and what I want

What is the nature of this certainty that he wants, @Saponaria?

The fact you’re questioning your situation would indicate you’re not happy with it.

If he looks after himself this will help. A nurse once told me there are three factors in getting sick. Genetics plus how well you take care of yourself plus luck.

He seems to be good at taking care of himself but genetics may not be so lucky if he has had the above problems? Luck well who knows.

I would stay living separately anyway. It is very unlikely you would find somebody who treats you so well who is younger as the dating pool is horrific online!

You don’t mention love. Do you love him?

Pickings are slim OP
despite what people seem to think here on MN (they have probably been partnered for 20 years) its not as easy as finding someone new as soon as you are single. In my case it took 5 years to meet someone who was not abusive. (In the third biggest city in the country no less) your man sounds lovely - and I wouldnt give it up just yet

i am in a 12 year relationship gap and its great

Sorry but it would be a no from me. I met my partner doing OLD in my 40s and literally I had the pick of the nicest men. I would break up now and go online (if you’re looking for someone else) to find someone closer to your age. I’m a few years older than you and the idea of being with a man in his 70s makes me feel sick (my partner is 6 years older and that’s age gap enough for me)

Ok so arecyou prepared to be his carer which may impact your career and your own pension and will almost certainly affect your retirement in the knowledge that the house will in all liklihood pass to his children at the end ? He has already had cancer once, also why did his marriage fail ?

You know this is a rarity though don’t you, along the lines of “my grandfather smoked two packs of cigarettes a day and lived to be 95”. And it’s not the statistically likely outcome.