Page 12 | Shockingly huge age gap, wwyd?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 28/07/2025 19:40

333FionaG · 28/07/2025 19:03

I wonder if you're worried about missing out on a better life partner by staying with this man? You, by your own admission, are very attractive. Is there a tiny hope of attracting a man of a similar age, to grow old together with? Maybe even to have a child with? You are far too young to be an old man's carer, and fit and healthy though he is now, that could all change in a moment.

My friend, early 50's, is in a relationship with a man in his early 80's. When they met, she was 30 and he was a dashing older man. They went on exotic holidays all the time, travelled the UK in a luxury motorhome and dined out pretty much all the time. Now he's just an old man and she feels trapped. She can't leave him now, but the frailer he becomes, the unhappier she is. He can no longer drive, he has no desire to travel, sex is non-existent. He's not rich, he owns no property, he has 3 ex-wives and several children he never sees. He has his pension and a paltry amount of savings.

Think very carefully about what you want your future to look like. I'd be side-lining him as a friend and looking for a partner of my own age, personally.

That guy sounds like he has led quite a selfish life though. Essentially just out to enjoy himself in life without thinking of his family, and definitely not what happens when he gets older. 3 ex-wives? He didn't want the boring domestic responsibility parts, did he? He wanted the fun and adventure wtih the younger woman and to do what he liked. Your friend sounds like she just wanted the sugar daddy, no commitments, just fun. Till it wasn't fun anymore.

Not much talk of real love in all that.

Trishyb10 · 28/07/2025 19:40

Can hardly believe what i,m reading,selfish selfish springs to mind, what if your the one to get ill and deteriate first? Karma

Chinsupmeloves · 28/07/2025 19:42

From what I've learnt in life, it's so unpredictable so carpi diem! Enjoy the present and dont worry about the future.

Sadly, to give an example of what you were asking, NC... Kate was in her 50s, full of life, adored, talented, her partner Tom was 69, now 70. He had a multitude of health problems so she would take the brunt and with 3 DC.

Unexpectedly Kate was diagnosed with cancer, which she died from several months later. So Tom didn't expect to outlive her and go to her funeral in his wheelchair.

Devastating, real life can often be so unpredictable and cruel. Xx

MyDadWasAnArse · 28/07/2025 19:46

Trishyb10 · 28/07/2025 19:40

Can hardly believe what i,m reading,selfish selfish springs to mind, what if your the one to get ill and deteriate first? Karma

They're not married, living together, share finances or have children or property together. They date at weekends. Neither owes the other anything.

VerbenaGirl · 28/07/2025 20:05

You sound happy in your relationship. If I were you, I’d roll with it.

Missj25 · 28/07/2025 20:12

Saponaria · 27/07/2025 21:06

Yes, this worries me. However I also worry about trying to get back into the dating game when I'm even older and will have even fewer options. If he passed away and I'm in my 50s it could be really tough. Right now I'm still very attractive and youthful, and feel like I could have my pick of men, but I'm not sure how things will be in 10 years.

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I get what you’re saying OP so it’s a tricky one tbf , You love this man though, & your relationship sounds amazing, I don’t know would I be leaving that go for a whole pile of what ifs ..
I actually don’t think i would somehow x

SunnyPlumOrca · 28/07/2025 20:23

If you are truly in love you wouldn’t even consider this.You would be ready to tackle the good the bad and the sad.
Enjoy your life together,some people don’t get the chance

Delphiniumandlupins · 28/07/2025 20:24

What kind of commitment is he looking for? Your current setup sounds to be working well for both of you.

Tbh I wouldn't encourage my DD, in her late 30s, to date someone my age but if she wanted to I'd accept it.

You never know what the future will bring so do what makes you happy - my mother needed cared for by her mid 50s, my father was still living alone at 89.

cloudtreecarpet · 28/07/2025 20:27

Missj25 · 28/07/2025 20:12

I get what you’re saying OP so it’s a tricky one tbf , You love this man though, & your relationship sounds amazing, I don’t know would I be leaving that go for a whole pile of what ifs ..
I actually don’t think i would somehow x

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I think if the OP were say 45-50 it might be a different decision but at under 40 and looking younger than her age plus with no kids or desire for them - she could easily meet another man much nearer her age & have just as happy a relationship.

I know people make it work but 27 years older when he is already pushing 70 is too much I think & too great a risk.

neilyoungismyhero · 28/07/2025 20:30

mindingmyown37 · 27/07/2025 22:48

I say you do you, as long as you’re comfortable in the relationship…it’s literally no one else’s business. I mean if George clooney or Jeffrey dean morgan were to ever look my way I wouldn’t say no. They are 27 & 22 years older than me.

Get in line sista!

YourAquaLion · 28/07/2025 20:30

Saponaria · 27/07/2025 21:01

I do love him very much, but yes the thought of being his carer worries me. I've always been quite wary of commitment anyway; I value my freedom greatly, hence no kids and wanting to live alone. I think that's just how I'm built. I can't imagine loving anyone more than I love him, and yet maybe like you said my feelings aren't deep enough to want to commit. Maybe I'm not capable of deep love and I'm just inherently a bit selfish?

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My husband is 10 years older than me (we’ve been together 11 years) and even though I love him to bits and would never change him, I do defo wish he was my age so we’d have a bit more matching energy levels and sex drives. Also even though I do love him loads, I defo don’t want to be his carer either. It’s just not how I want to live my life and I wouldn’t want him to be mine either. I plan to use his pension to hire someone to look after him while I live my life and come back and tell him all about it. I just wouldn’t be able to tie myself to the house wiping bums. Not for me! So don’t feel selfish. Some people are born carers and some people are not. And you never know, he might outlive you - that’s what my hubby always says to me!

BakingMuffins · 28/07/2025 20:31

I have to say I wouldn’t continue it.

YourAquaLion · 28/07/2025 20:34

SunnyPlumOrca · 28/07/2025 20:23

If you are truly in love you wouldn’t even consider this.You would be ready to tackle the good the bad and the sad.
Enjoy your life together,some people don’t get the chance

I don’t agree - I’m in love with my husband 10 years older than me but I don’t want to be his carer. I don’t want him to get any kind of long term degenerative illness where I have to be his carer, that life would suck for him and me also! I would want him to put his life on hold to be my carer either. I aim to earn enough money to get help should this occur, so I can be there for him but also live my life.

Missj25 · 28/07/2025 20:36

cloudtreecarpet · 28/07/2025 20:27

I think if the OP were say 45-50 it might be a different decision but at under 40 and looking younger than her age plus with no kids or desire for them - she could easily meet another man much nearer her age & have just as happy a relationship.

I know people make it work but 27 years older when he is already pushing 70 is too much I think & too great a risk.

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Yeah , I know what you’re saying aswel ..
Him nearing 70 & OP 40 is a big age gap alright , I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ , I’d hate to be in that situation..
Ultimately we do want to find that person we can grow old with …..

Bellyblueboy · 28/07/2025 20:51

Trishyb10 · 28/07/2025 19:40

Can hardly believe what i,m reading,selfish selfish springs to mind, what if your the one to get ill and deteriate first? Karma

they aren’t married or even living together.

it is perfectly sensible to weigh up what life you want when dating - surely everyone does this?

I am ten years older than OP and I would not contemplate a long term relationship with someone this much older than me. For me that would be a man who is 74. I am very active, have great plans for the next twenty years career wise then (hopefully) an enjoyable retirement with some traveling while I can (although it probably won’t be the active holidays I take now😂). At some point my parents will likely require more care from me. I don’t want to add another elderly person into the mix.

It is perfectly reasonable to weigh up what sort of life you want and if someone you are dating is a long term prospect.

Catherine3436 · 28/07/2025 21:05

I wouldn’t do it. You’ll spend your best years as a carer.

LBFseBrom · 28/07/2025 21:07

Catherine3436 · 28/07/2025 21:05

I wouldn’t do it. You’ll spend your best years as a carer.

Why? They aren't setting up home together.

MollyMaidsRightArm · 28/07/2025 22:29

Catherine3436 · 28/07/2025 21:05

I wouldn’t do it. You’ll spend your best years as a carer.

How do you define 'best years'?

OP is 40. Partner 67.

If he lives to 85 she'd be 58.

I hope you don't mean she' d be decrepit at 58!

Also, I am much older than her and I don't know anyone who is actually 'caring' for a partner. All my older relatives and friends' parents have died (mostly late 80s and 90s) from CVD and their deaths were quite quick- heart attacks, stroke, etc or an infection with a few weeks in hospital at the end.

MollyMaidsRightArm · 28/07/2025 22:31

Bellyblueboy · 28/07/2025 20:51

they aren’t married or even living together.

it is perfectly sensible to weigh up what life you want when dating - surely everyone does this?

I am ten years older than OP and I would not contemplate a long term relationship with someone this much older than me. For me that would be a man who is 74. I am very active, have great plans for the next twenty years career wise then (hopefully) an enjoyable retirement with some traveling while I can (although it probably won’t be the active holidays I take now😂). At some point my parents will likely require more care from me. I don’t want to add another elderly person into the mix.

It is perfectly reasonable to weigh up what sort of life you want and if someone you are dating is a long term prospect.

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You do you.

I have a friend who married at 50 a man around 25 years her senior.
They are very happy.
She's very intelligent, professional and clearly gave it thought.

Some people choose to have a some good years with someone older than no partnership at all, or decades married unhappily to someone their own age.

PersephoneSmith · 28/07/2025 22:38

My husband died when he was 50 and I was 44.
shit happens, there are no guarantees

Imusthavemademydeskaroundaquaterafternine · 28/07/2025 22:52

PersephoneSmith · 28/07/2025 22:38

My husband died when he was 50 and I was 44.
shit happens, there are no guarantees

DRFT and this post nails it. My best friends daughter died suddenly aged 39. Her husband is two years older. While being older makes someone statistically more likely to die, it is no way a certainty that a younger person will provide you with more years, be it through death or from splitting up the relationship.

And even if he does die before you, you'll have plenty more years in which you could meet someone else. If a good person who you love shows no signs of leaving you and is treating you well, it seems absurd to think of ending it based on what might happen.

Bellyblueboy · 28/07/2025 23:28

MollyMaidsRightArm · 28/07/2025 22:31

You do you.

I have a friend who married at 50 a man around 25 years her senior.
They are very happy.
She's very intelligent, professional and clearly gave it thought.

Some people choose to have a some good years with someone older than no partnership at all, or decades married unhappily to someone their own age.

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Not sure why I deserved the snippy comment. I said it was perfectly reasonable to weigh up what you want.

then said what I would do in this situation. Everyone is different - that’s why I said everyone considers whether the person they are dating is a long term prospect

.hate the passive aggressive ‘you do you’ nonsense.

and why is it a choice between being in a happy relationship with someone 30 years older, no relationship or being in an unhappy relationship with someone the same age? That’s a bit odd. OP may love being single - or she might be happy in another relationship, she might wind up miserable in a new relationship or miserable with this guy. Who knows

Todayismyfavouriteday · 28/07/2025 23:50

Saponaria · 27/07/2025 22:21

It was definitely an experiment. The relationship has challenged my inherent ageism. I remember the first few times we went out in public together and I was worried that people would stare, but turns out they generally don't give a shit, lol

When we met he was 62/63 which is closer to 60, but now he is 67 which is closer to 70.

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You insist he's close to 70, and that seems to be the most pressing matter... Going all Freudian on you, your dad died at that age. Spot of therapy might do you good, methinks...

ImGoneUnderground · 29/07/2025 00:34

Saponaria · 27/07/2025 20:17

I'm am 40 and my partner is 67, so we have a 27 year age gap. We've been together for three years. It's the best relationship I've ever had. He is the most wonderful man and the most loving partner that anyone could ever wish for. He is incredibly wise, sexy, fun, and so much more!

He looks after himself very well, he is physically very fit and has a great body! Also great posture and dresses well. He could pass for 50.
He has had some health issues, cancer and heart problems, but he is fighting fit again now and has bags of energy and enthusiasm for life. He is a really positive, motivated and energetic person. Our sex life is fantastic and I really fancy him despite our age gap.

I am happily child-free, have my own home and work full time. My partner is retired and I see him at the weekends. We live separately.

I'm currently taking stock of the relationship and trying to decide whether to continue. The age gap was a big deal for me at the start but we have proved it can work, it's not something that either of us notices. We have so many shared interests and we're extremely compatible on multiple levels.

However I'm now thinking about the future. If you were me, would you continue with the relationship? Or would you end it now and try and build a life with someone that is more your age?

He has set the bar EXTREMELY high so I worry that I won't find anyone as wonderful as him that I am compatible with on so many levels. It's hard to imagine life without him.

Really need help and perspective!

You are happy - he is happy - best relationship ever you say - so why think about changing it? (Knocked down by a bus tomorrow etc. springs to mind....) - enjoy your life together 🌹

woodlandnoise · 29/07/2025 06:55

Some people choose to have a some good years with someone older than no partnership at all, or decades married unhappily to someone their own age

So the OP must choose between being with a man old enough to be her dad OR decades of misery with someone her own age?

LOL. Plenty of people are married or in relationships to people around their own age and are perfectly happy. In fact, statistics show that relationships with a smaller age gap tend to last the longest and be the happiest. Why on earth do you assume that OP isnt capable of finding happiness with anyone else?