I’m really going to fall out with my brother over a family holiday

[WanderBug16]

I am 26. My brother is 25.

Last year, my dad and I went to a formula one race together. He loved it and we booked tickets to Monza in September. The holiday grew from just being my dad and I to my family - mum, dad, me and brother. This was my parent’s idea and they very kindly offered to pay (which we accepted, obviously 😂)

Over the last 9 months, since booking the tickets, my dad has faced multiple health problems and it’s been uncertain whether he was able to go. The first time this came up it was agreed that no matter what, my brother and I would go on the trip - on the understanding that he came with me to the F1. This was the only condition my parents placed on it and at that time, my brother was fine with it.

My mum is now facing being unable to fly due to a potentially torn retina. Obviously the same discussion has happened again and the same agreement has been reached. No matter what, my brother and I will be going.

He’s now being a brat about the entire thing. Saying he refuses to go to the F1, saying he’ll only go if I pay for everything while he’s there, and just generally kicking off a bit. I want to shake him and get it through his head that he would be getting an entirely free trip to Italy on the basis of him spending two afternoons at a race track. I’d happily go alone but I don’t think my parents would be okay with that, and on this short notice I can’t afford to pay for the entire trip myself and hope for the best.

I’m just venting, really, and a bit pissed off that he’s being this spoilt over a free holiday! We’re so incredibly lucky and fortunate that our parents have said we should still go, instead of cancelling it all.

Hmmmm. I don't think your parents are abusers. They're just old folk with quirks. We'll be them one day.

I don't think your brother is a brat, either. He's just someone with different priorities to you. Yes, you'd save to go on this holiday because you bloody love F1. He was offered an all expenses paid holiday and then the terms dramatically changed.

You're the one moaning like a child about him...

I don’t think your parents are being abusive but they are letting their anxiety control people’s behaviours. I think a number of people do feel anxious when their DC go off somewhere new but as parents it is our job to give you the confidence to do it and then step back, being available to help if you need support.

They need to learn how to manage their feelings of anxiety but I get when they are ill isn’t the time but it is something to bear in mind for the future.

You're making out your brother is being childish when you are pitching a public tantrum about not getting your own way!

If you can take a breath and see that you aren't entitled to a free holiday, aren't entitled to being escorted anywhere by the brother who you clearly dislike and are willing to verbally abuse, that you're an adult and totally responsible for your own choices and no one else's, then it will probably help reduce how stressful this is.

You get to make choices about what you do, he gets to make choices about what he does. So you can either cancel the holiday (which is what I think most people would do) or explain to your dp that you'll be going alone. You don't need their permission, you're an adult!

A lot of people wouldn't want to sit watching noisy cars racing around a track. It's not a pleasant way to spend your time if you don't enjoy the sport! Would you really suck it up and spend 2 days watching something you had literally no interest in just so somebody else could enjoy it? I wouldn't!
You may not think he's being forced into something awful, as somebody who isn't a fan of F1, I think it sounds like an awful way to spend 2 days of my life. Find someone else to go with or just, you know, tell your parents that you're going on your own and that's that! You are, after all, an ADULT!

Why don´t you both go, on the day of the races your brother goes and does his thing, you do your thing and then get together again for the trip back? What the eyes dont see, the heart doesn´t grieve over.
I travelled on my own from age 17, starting with Greece.

@WanderBug16 Ah so he was actually expecting your parents to pay for everything during the trip?

I’d advise them to cancel and claim on their insurance. If you go with him, I have a feeling that he’ll constantly try to get you to cover food/drink/entertainment., not just at the F1. Or he’ll moan constantly.

i wouldn’t risk it!

First of all, you’re 26…you should be allowed to travel by yourself! Hell, I was in boarding school at 11 and flew halfway across the world on my own several times a year. Secondly, just go with your brother and if he decides there that he still doesn’t want to go to the races then just go on your own. Parents don’t need to get involved, he could have a ‘tummy bug’ suddenly. You’re both grown adults, act like them?

i can’t see where your parents have been called massive abusers? I suspect that’s more you reading things you don’t like.

your parents are controlling and a bit manipulative. They contact you to share their anxieties about you completely unnecessarily and they place huge conditions on situations they have financial control over.

your brother doesn’t want to commit to the conditions they’ve laid out, the trip is a non-starter and complete control of it should revert to your parents. What you feel about what you’ve earned or deserve is irrelevant, your brother clearly doesn’t feel you’ve done him any favours, likely because he would never have the intention to do what you have. You’ve put value on it and he hasn’t, you can’t force someone to feel grateful and indebted if they don’t.

OP, there is more to this than just this trip.

l asked earlier if you’d accept your dads behaviour from a partner? If, everytime you went out alone, would you accept that your partner got so anxious that it made them ill?
No-one is saying that your parents are abusive but there are manipulative and controlling behaviours.

They are presumably in their 50s/60s so isn’t the norm for needing so much help and care. If you have chronic illness too then maybe considering setting some boundaries about what care you are willing to provide for them. They can afford help by the sounds of it.

I wouldn't want to drag his moaning carcass around for 2 days

😂😂😂

He’s in his 70s, I’ve seen how stress affects his heart condition and to be honest I find it quite nice that they care for me as much as they do

You can care for people without putting conditions and restrictions on their movements.

He sounds awful but tbh it's bloody weird that your parents won't let you travel alone. You're 26!!!
Presumably you still go to work on your own without an escort?.
Tell them you're leaving your bro to look after things at home and thanks for the tickets.

It’s not so much won’t let, just don’t like. They get stressed, they’ve really bought into the idea that the world is a terrible place at the moment and it’s like the third world in major cities. We live in a tiny town, so it’s incredibly safe. They’re not keen on me going to an event with 100s of thousands of people on my own, which I do kind of understand

Would they be fine with your brother going on his own?

I think you see yourself as someone much younger than you are. You’re a grown adult. I suspect a large part of this is that you’re too scared to go alone anyway, so you want to guilt your brother into going with you.

Do you?! I really, really don't. I was travelling all over the place on my own at your age - I remember wandering through the bazaar in Istanbul by myself for example. My parents wouldn't necessarily have even known I wasn't in the country.

It is really, really weird this attitude your parents have, not normal at all. And I don't think your brother is being a brat. I wouldn't want to go to something I hated for two days, for reasons which are absolutely ridiculous (ie a grown woman can't be in a crowd), or pay money when something had been going to be free.

I think I might be on team brother here. It's no long an all expenses holiday? You're asking him to go to the races with you to make sure the boat isn't rocked. There's so many conditions attached why not add some of his own? Or are the conditions only ok coming from you and your parents? I can understand why he'd be saying a 10 day holiday with his sister is very different from a 10 day holiday with his parents and sister. You're probably best cancelling the whole thing on insurance.

in sorry, you are both well into your 20s.

what TAF are your parents thinking to be this obsessively clingy

your family dynamic is WAY off. You’re talking like someone in their early teens, this infantilisation is so unhealthy.

even the way you describe him, as a brat makes you sound like a school kid.

if he wants to go on the trip, by all means go, if he doesn’t want to go to the track, fine, go alone.

at your age I’d lived in Brazil for 2 years (20 -22) come back and worked and moved out of the house up to London and rented a flat there.

we didn’t even have internet or mobiles, fax only

you don’t need to tell your parents ABOUT whether he comes or doesn’t come to the track with you. I dare say you may actually be able to find someone who would like a ticket and buy it from you when you’re there.

tell them afterwards

Ironically, the advice is for you to Be more teen about this. What the ‘rents don’t know won’t hurt them.

you are NEVER going to shake this absolutely stupid clingy behaviour unless you rebel a bit and inform them later of what you managed to do all by yourself.

GROW UP @WanderBug16 it’s allowed.

So you both go away and either you go to racing alone or you invite a friend under your dads ticket and go with them.
unless there’s a cultural element)not read all the op’s comments) your brother should not be pressured into babysitting you

Caring for you is not clipping your wings to the point that you can’t go watch a fucking F1 race on your own.

this is deeply manipulative behaviour.

I don't understand anything about this.

1. Your parents are crazy manipulative. It's insane to dictate rules around a gift like this.
2. I don't see why dragging another grown adult to something he hates is a useful use of anyone's time. Another weirdly manipulative condition.
3. It's not your business what your brother is planning with his money. Literally nothing to do with you. If he hasn't prioritised spending money on a holiday in Italy this year that's his choice

Cancel. Cancel yesterday. And use the savings on some taxi rides for your mother. And stop judging your brother for going to his job instead of joining you in your martyrdom. You get to choose that but he doesn't have to engage with it.

Your whole family could use a break from each other so I'd recommend you take your money you saved and go away on your own for a few days.

this is so wrong. He has no right to manipulate you like this.

But major cities in Europe are safe.

The F1 particularly will have good security and be safe.

Your parents fears are unreasonable and it is not sensible to act like they are not.

You aren’t a just turned 18 year old, at 26 you are perfectly capable of travelling by yourself. It might not be as fun as with someone else, but then how much fun would you have with your brother sulking?

ask around your friends if someone else fancies it.

But you’re 25! Yes it is their prerogative to cancel but there really is no need to!