I’m really going to fall out with my brother over a family holiday

[WanderBug16]

I am 26. My brother is 25.

Last year, my dad and I went to a formula one race together. He loved it and we booked tickets to Monza in September. The holiday grew from just being my dad and I to my family - mum, dad, me and brother. This was my parent’s idea and they very kindly offered to pay (which we accepted, obviously 😂)

Over the last 9 months, since booking the tickets, my dad has faced multiple health problems and it’s been uncertain whether he was able to go. The first time this came up it was agreed that no matter what, my brother and I would go on the trip - on the understanding that he came with me to the F1. This was the only condition my parents placed on it and at that time, my brother was fine with it.

My mum is now facing being unable to fly due to a potentially torn retina. Obviously the same discussion has happened again and the same agreement has been reached. No matter what, my brother and I will be going.

He’s now being a brat about the entire thing. Saying he refuses to go to the F1, saying he’ll only go if I pay for everything while he’s there, and just generally kicking off a bit. I want to shake him and get it through his head that he would be getting an entirely free trip to Italy on the basis of him spending two afternoons at a race track. I’d happily go alone but I don’t think my parents would be okay with that, and on this short notice I can’t afford to pay for the entire trip myself and hope for the best.

I’m just venting, really, and a bit pissed off that he’s being this spoilt over a free holiday! We’re so incredibly lucky and fortunate that our parents have said we should still go, instead of cancelling it all.

It really doesn't. Again, it's an unexpected expense he hasn't budgeted for. He clearly doesn't prioritise spending money travelling.

You insisting he spends money on a holiday that is all about you makes YOU a brat.

Your parents are unwell and you still want to go on the trip? Cancel the whole thing and be there for your parents, especially since your brother won’t take them to the hospital if needed. You are being selfish.

My mum has a retina tear - it’s not life threatening, I have my own health issues going on and to be quite honest I’m tired of being the only one who steps up.

My issue is I’m the one who’s had to come over, because he won’t come. He wouldn’t have given her a lift, so it was me or nobody.

Ok but this trip was supposed to be a family trip. Personally I wouldn’t go unless the whole family went, because that’s the purpose of it.

Why are you all telling him how he should spend his time and his money? He doesn’t want to go. He doesn’t want to spend his time and money on a trip he doesn’t want to go on. You’re all putting conditions on him to suit your wants and needs.
Your parents sound controlling. You sound spoilt.

Because why should I miss out. Every damn day for the last three years I’ve helped with medications, I’ve been to every hospital appointment, been there for every ambulance that’s been called and I’ve supported both of them while managing my own chronic health issues. I’ll be caring for my mother after this procedure while recovering from my own surgery. Why should I miss out on one week off because he can’t be bothered to sit at the f1 for two afternoons. That’s it. It’s not like he’s being forced into something awful!

@JuvenileBigfoot Not such a big leap now.
I stand by my comment.

I don't think this is about the holiday.

This is about being left as the only UK based contact for older parents who are both anxious and in poor health.

He doesn't want to help now, what makes anyone think he'll grow up and be less selfish and help at any point in the future?

Also read OPs post at 14:14

It really doesn't. Again, it's an unexpected expense he hasn't budgeted for. He clearly doesn't prioritise spending money travelling.

You insisting he spends money on a holiday that is all about you makes YOU a brat.

Your parents don't need to know that your brother didn't actually go to the F1 with you,
I think it's a bit unreasonable to expect him to go when he has zero interest anyway.

Those things are your choice. You can’t blame him for you making those choices.
He doesn’t want to go. You and your parents are trying to coerce him into doing something he doesn’t want to do.
You don’t have to miss out. You could go alone. But your parents are too controlling to allow that to happen. That’s why you’re missing out, not because your brother won’t come with you.

She hasn't said anything about them being older.

She has chosen to be there for the health issues. Realistically they are grown adults who can look after themselves and each other.

Their anxiety is on them. It is not the job of anyone to manage another person's emotions.

They also sound overbearing and controlling and use their "anxiety" to manipulate their children. I mean come on- OP goes to London and her dad conveniently becomes so anxious he has to go to hospital? Way to ensure she doesnt step oit of line again.

I read it as the brother setting some much needed boundaries. OP should follow suit.

@WanderBug16 You need to have an open and honest conversation with your mum and dad about what care they need now, what they will need in the future, and about your own health and work/life balance.
They are not poor. They can afford to pay for help. It should not be left just to you to help them, especially as you're own health is less than perfect.
💐

Why should you miss out? You shouldn't.

Why should he spend loads of money on a trip he's not really interested it? He shouldn't.

Neither option is fair on tbe other person.

As has been pointed out, the obvious solution is that you put your foot down with your parents and tell them you're going alone.

Then fall out with your brother. Lay down your boundaries to him and tell him its his choice.

Ah, so this is the crux of it. You think you are more important than him. And you think you have the right to dictate what he does and how he spends his money.

Any help you give is your choice. If you don't want to give help freely, then don't do so. There's clearly some weird, co-dependent stuff going on in your family. It's quite reasonable that he might want to distance himself from that.

Your brother has the right to not take time of work to visit a (presumbly 50s or at most 60s year old bearing in mind your age)in the hospital because they have an eye problem.

If you want to go on this holiday then that is up to you. You make it happen, go alone, bring a friend, go to F1 alone, pay for your DB, whatever. This trip benefits you and you alone, since your DB isn't keen on coming.

You do not, however bratty you are special you think you are get to control what your brother does with his time and his money. You are not the centre of the Universe, even though you and your parents seem to think you are.

How often have you spent a big chunk of your money and your time going to something you don't want to do to benefit your brother?

For the same reason as if you want 4 kids and your husband doesnt want a second one let alone 4....

Because you cant make people do things irrespective of how you feel about it.

You are right to feel aggrieved and yes he is a total dick and probably loving that he is winding you up.

Honestly- take away his power.
Just cancel it and book something else and take a proper break.

Check out flashpack I think you are thr perfect demo for it. Its fancy but interesting hols for young solo travellers.
I had some amazing hols with them in the past.

Even though everyone here says that he's not being a brat.

The same group of people who are painting my parents as massive abusers?

I had to go back and read your OP to check your age - YOU'RE 26 NOT 16. I don't understand your parents view on this at all, but ultimately if they're paying it's their decision about whether they withdraw the offer. Weird!

Not massive abusers, just controlling.
I moved abroad when I was 21. I’m sure my parents were anxious about it, but as I was an adult they put their feelings aside to allow me to have a valuable life experience.
You are an adult. They are using the excuse of ‘anxiety’ to stop you doing things they don’t want you to do.

Honestly I would put this back on your father. He is beyond controlling. Tell him what is happening and that your brother wants you to pay for everything and you cannot afford to do so. Tell him either to give your or your brother to cover his outgoings or that you are going to go on your own.

And in turn you are trying to control your brother using guilt. ‘If you don’t do what I want I don’t get to have this experience, and I deserve it because I do x, y and z for our parents’:

He’s missing out big time!! I’m desperate to go to Monza after being at Imola in May but left it too late to sort out 🥲
It’s not worth falling out over though, especially as both your parents are in poor health, you’re going to need each other. I would do what someone else said.. go to Italy together and go to the race alone. You can’t miss it!!

My parents would probably still verbalise that we should go without them...but we wouldn't, because it feels grabby and exploitative tbh. You're both adults, who should be taking responsibility for trips you are taking without your parents. It was wonderfully generous of your parents to foot the bill when they were enjoying a break with you as a family. To actually consider them footing the bill when neither of them is going is quite telling of you both, I think.