45 and still lives in the house he grew up in with his parents, but he objects to me smoking

[WildflowerGardens]

So I had a first date with a man, 45, who it turns out still lives in the house he grew up in, with his parents. He has never moved out despite having a good job and no illnesses.

I left home when I was 18 to go to university, and since then have rented with friends or partners.

I was going to let it slide as he seemed like a nice man, but after our date he was texting regarding meeting again and then texted “By the way, do you plan to give up smoking?”

During our date I had had one cigarette in three hours, which I had well away from him and washed my hands thoroughly afterwards.

is it reasonable of him to ask me to give up smoking after one date? And should I be perturbed that he lives at home at 45, never having left?

How do you know your in better health than him when you dont know him? Your opening post says he has no illnesses

Lives with mummy
complained about the very reduced cost of entry to Kew Gardens on the first date
Wants you, thinks you should, change your behaviour for him BY the second date.

yeah it's a no from me OP! at least you know why he still lives with mummy can't find a fool woman to take him off her hands

Glad you cancelled second date, only misery and a compassionate shag, at most, would be in your future spending any more time with him.

This chap is not for you , my dad smoked and had terminal lung throat and bone cancer he died at 47 , smoke kills , l would let him go as he lives with his parents , really you don't need a partner . Stay single it's safer for everyone

Really weird comment, wouldn’t be surprised if he’d written it. And no, I normally have no trouble at all finding devoted boyfriends.

Bet lynch vs Alan partridge celebrity date match

I'll be honest OP, neither of you are catches! His living situation screams stunted development and unhealthy enmeshment, and you're literally killing yourself.

Was it Aidan?

haha, the irony is I’ve quit before and I’ll quit again!

@WildflowerGardens I don't understand. What's the irony? Even if you do quit, and I sincerely hope you permanently quit, you've already damaged your lungs and put yourself at an increased risk of cancer. Smoking is a form of self harm and it's going to put a lot of people off you.

I’ve never had trouble finding boyfriends in the past and have had many long term relationships with non smokers

@WildflowerGardens is this the first time you've gone on a date with someone who doesn't like your smoking habit? Perhaps it's a sign of the times. Its not just that we all know so much more about smoking and it dangers, it's also seen as a dirty, scummy habit associated with low IQ.

And dare I say that if those long term non smokers boyfriends didn't mind your smoking, doesn't that suggest they weren't very caring?

All of this plus living with his parent is major ick for me!!!

but the sensible thing to say is you both sound incompatible

You sound completely incompatible, surely you aren’t actually considering pursuing anything with this man?

He's a loser. You hint towards the smoking once the relationship looks like having legs. I'm a non smoker. The only time it's caused an issue with a partner was when they were pleading poverty even though they were spending £200 a month on cigarettes.

He can ask if you're planning to I've up smoking and better sooner than later tbh. No point developing feelings if it's not a thing he wants long term. I personally couldn't date a smoker but I'm sure there's things that would put someone straight off me. He sounds very interested in you to see if you are trying to stop or cut down in the future. He's not demanding you stop just finding out if you're open to it. Just as much I would be very very wary of a man who still lived at home with his parents without valid reasons and would be one of the first questions I asked. Which would be what led you to still live with your parents and when do you plan on getting your own place. Again not demanding he moves out but seeing if it is worth dating and developing feelings on a deeper level.

I’m a masters graduate in Classics who has a career in international arts journalism, I hardly think IQ is a worry here

I have smoked on and off. No man has ever objected, whether they smoked themselves or not. I guess I have other qualities that make up for that one failing. But if any man asked me after a first date whether I intended to quit, I would tell him I was quitting him - especially if he still lived with mummy in his middle age! No other qualities could possibly make up for that.

He sounds like a weirdo, stay clear of him! Cheeky to ask about you smoking when he’s not even moved out! Absolutely zero ambition or drive, forget him

Jesus get off the ops back about having 2 fags a day! Probably living in a city is more detrimental to lungs than that.

You can do way better, ditch him!

Agreed! Major ick

The smoking question is fair. Lots of people would be unwilling to be in a relationship with a smoker. Me included! If it's a deal breaker for him, I don't blame him for wanting things clear early on. The living with his parents situation wouldn't bother me in the slightest, but the f it bothers you then there's no point pursuing. TBH neither of you sound like what the other person wants! Find someone else!