45 and still lives in the house he grew up in with his parents, but he objects to me smoking

[WildflowerGardens]

So I had a first date with a man, 45, who it turns out still lives in the house he grew up in, with his parents. He has never moved out despite having a good job and no illnesses.

I left home when I was 18 to go to university, and since then have rented with friends or partners.

I was going to let it slide as he seemed like a nice man, but after our date he was texting regarding meeting again and then texted “By the way, do you plan to give up smoking?”

During our date I had had one cigarette in three hours, which I had well away from him and washed my hands thoroughly afterwards.

is it reasonable of him to ask me to give up smoking after one date? And should I be perturbed that he lives at home at 45, never having left?

2 massive red flags
Don't bother
You cannot change anybody. You should be loved for who are you. It starts with the smoking, what will he expect next?
I had a guy suggest I should "get the shears out" before our next date referring to my nether regions
Turns out he was a rude little man and this was a perfect example
Believe who people are when they show you the first time

Euwww. Wash your hands all you like, but I guarantee your breath stinks no matter what.
It's a dump-able offence.

Everything you've said about him ..... smoking, the 'view', cost of a lemonade, bikini, living at home aged 45 ....... BLEUGH, honestly why bother, he's not ever going to become more appealing than that.

You don't sound compatible and that's ok.

I couldnt bare to date either a smoker or someone who had never left home 🤷

Yeah - based on this he sounds like a bit of a tosser, and this was a first date so you’d think he’d have been trying to impress. I think he’ll only get worse from here. I think you can find someone nicer.

But if you can quit any time, why haven’t you.

and if you’re so good, educated, good career, don’t have an issue with finding boyfriends, and whatever else you’ve said, why did you agree to a second date with a 45 year old weird man who lives at home with his parents still and who commented on the view and asked if you wear a bikini around the house.
im not saying you’re lying, im saying why on earth is your bar so low

Smoking would be a deal breaker for me but then again so would someone who lived at home at 45!

Good Lord, I would steer well clear from a man who still lives at home! Love how Mumsnet has focussed on the OP and her one cigarette!

This 100%

I think the amount of people in their 30s and 40s living at home with their parents is going to be the norm for the next couple of decades. It’s getting pretty nigh on impossible for young adults to get on the property ladder if they’re single. Even renting is out of the reach of a lot of young people. So I wouldn’t necessarily discount him for still living at home.

OP, you're getting lots of hate from some horrible posters on here. Ignore them. Regarding the man, just move on - the guy was clearly a man child. Some people smoke, others drink, or eat too much chocolate etc. We've all got our vices.

(To the haters: I don't smoke nor date smokers either as I've never been able to handle the smell. However, this doesn't also mean that I can be a judgemental bitch to those that do.)

I think it depends. At 45 is he clean and tidy. Does he help at home. Does he contribute to food? Is he kind and respectful to his parents?

Doesn't follow. I have a lower than average IQ yet found Latin easy, going straight to SCE Higher (scottish school qualification) in one year and getting an A. Loads of people have Masters degrees, and even Boris Johnson managed Classics. Academic results are as much about effort.

The key being young adults. This is a middle aged man who never left home.

I can't understand the extent of prejudice towards people who live at home. A good friend lived with her parents until she was over 50. She's one of the nicest, well balanced and 'sorted' individuals I've ever known.

Is this the bar? Someone who can brush his own hair and put his cup in the dishwasher and not be a grumpy shit to his mother?

@ThisTicklishFatball

nope. They need to move out. Let their parents live as a couple again and have their home to themselves. Move out and live with friends, a house share, live on their own or whatever. It’s a major ick to a lot of women.

But the current young adults are the next generation of middle aged. And i think there will be lots of these current young adults still living at home in 20 years time.

Thankyou OP, you've made me laugh out loud on what's been a rather stressful day! He sounds creepy as hell.

Urgh all these holier than thou, pious types getting their knickers in a twist about OP smoking! Soooo judgemental! Probs the same people that think enjoying a few drinks on a night out makes someone an alcoholic. Everyone has their vices.

But this man is 45, not 25, so twenty years ago, houses were cheaper. You only needed three times your salary, and you could afford it on a single salary.

My husband lived in the paternal home when I met him. He has lived overseas on his own etc but when his dad died, he moved back into the house but he actually lived in a separate ‘wing’ to his mum. Had his own entrance, own kitchen, bedrooms and bathrooms and living areas etc so technically was living with his mum but not, if you know what I mean. Didn’t bother me, he had a good job, was financially secure and was a good husband and father! The smoking thing, I get as nothing worse than kissing a smoker! And as a reformer smoker, we always think we wash our hands or we suck on mints etc but others can smell it and it’s gross!

Did you ask him when he's planning on acquiring his own home?

I mean what's the problem? In some cultures they have big houses and expand etc and multi generations live together and pool money to save on costs.

I know a family where the married couple gets a whole floor of the house etc after they get married

@Gvgsdf

yeah most people who live with their parents just live in regular houses though, they don’t have their own wings or anything like that. After a date, wanting to go back to his for a shag but it’s his parents’ - it’s just unsexy and ick.