45 and still lives in the house he grew up in with his parents, but he objects to me smoking

[WildflowerGardens]

So I had a first date with a man, 45, who it turns out still lives in the house he grew up in, with his parents. He has never moved out despite having a good job and no illnesses.

I left home when I was 18 to go to university, and since then have rented with friends or partners.

I was going to let it slide as he seemed like a nice man, but after our date he was texting regarding meeting again and then texted “By the way, do you plan to give up smoking?”

During our date I had had one cigarette in three hours, which I had well away from him and washed my hands thoroughly afterwards.

is it reasonable of him to ask me to give up smoking after one date? And should I be perturbed that he lives at home at 45, never having left?

This. ^ Posters can flower it up as much as they like with their whatabouttery, and say 'yeah but yeah but' when it comes to a 45 y.o. man living with his parents, but the upshot is with the majority of men, it's deeply weird, and yes red flag worthy.

I have never known a man still living with mommy in his middle age who was a strong, independent, emotionally-mature, career man. They are all man babies who can't even use a washing machine, boil an egg, or do any food shopping without mommy's help. Many wouldn't know where to start with changing a nappy/looking after babies and children. Most cannot drive.

I would never in a million years date a man like this. Each to their own, but no way is it socially normal for a man in his mid 40s to still be living with mommy. Maybe if he has left home/been married/had a partner and had his own home for some years, and had to come back to his parents for a few years (after the marriage broke down) then yeah, but a man who has never left home? No fucking way.

And asking WHEN you are going to give up smoking?! LOL, cheeky bastard. And the additonal details about his creepy ass remarks about your boobs @WildflowerGardens Just no!

Personally I would prefer not to date a smoker, as it is a stinky habit. I would struggle to kiss him with the ciggie-breath. 😖 Also I used to smoke (quit 20 years ago,) and I would be afraid it might drag me back into it. The whole smell and vibe of smoking could tempt me back. And I don't want to start again! It's £15-16 for a pack of 20 now! 😱

As pps have said OP, throw this one back. As a pp said, he is on the hunt for a woman to be a carer for his parents.

His comment regarding the view of my cleavage would have been the dealbreaker for me TBH! Who even says something like that to anyone?!?!

As for the smoking issue…..he must have a poor sense of smell if he didn’t cotton on to you being a smoker during the speed dating event.

Ooft, run like the plague op, this one sounds tight, rude, weird, and lacking social skills frankly.

He would drive me to smoke. It’s a no from me you’re not compatible.

And asking WHEN you are going to give up smoking?! LOL, cheeky bastard

It’s really odd how so many people read something that isn’t there.

”By the way, do you plan on giving up smoking?”

Tbf I'd run a mile from:

• a man living with his parents at 45
• a man who made that 'the view' or bikini remark
• a smoker

He didn't tell her to. He asked her if she had plans to.

" Rather odd " must be the understatement of the week .He sounds weird and creepy to me and there definitely wouldn't be a second date.

The smoking comment was also out of order . Personally I wouldn't date a smoker but it was presumptuous of him to ask if you were giving up . Run ! .

I am reading something that IS there dear. He was clearly asking her when she was giving up. It's 'really odd' that you can't see that. 😆

Why so defensive of this man baby who still lives with mommy at 45?

Odd. 🤔

Edited to say I can't quite see what you're asking.

You are both clearly not suited, we don't need buy a hat yet!

Just move on and find someone else who's your type and vice versa.

He sounds horrible. Telling you to stop smoking is the tip of the iceberg. Hopefully you'll never see him again!

Oaft yeah put him in the bin! Tbf it doesn't matter where he lives really there is red flags galore with this man! He probably spends time online listening to "manly men" podcasts !

@Charabanc - this is what the OP said in one of her updates - clarifying that he asked her to give up smoking before their next date.

This could have all been sorted out with a no I don’t think I want to see you again -
goodbye and good luck.

so he’s a confident oddball, man baby, a stingy fucker and a pervert. Yum

You're not compatible move on.

Well is that because you said yes you were planning on giving up? If you did he’s merely looking for a time frame so he can make an informed decision about the potential relationship.
I don’t think what he did is a problem at all. Literally everything else you’ve said about him is a red flag, but this I think is fine.

I think many men overestimate their market value and underestimate a woman’s market value, and that can be hurtful and quite confronting for the woman which I imagine is why you’re hung up on it.

the bigger issue here is why you agreed to go on another date with a man who made several weird remarks and generally seemed weird.

Oh, sorry, I should have realised there was more!

Anyway, they don't sound suited for each other. I too would not date a smoker.

I can understand the smoking thing from his point of view.
However, he sounds awful, I wouldn’t want to spend another second with him!!

What's if it's the parents living with the DS and he's providing for them in old age and taking care of them like how they took care of him growing up. My DMum lives with DBro. She helps around in the house. Makes lunch, dinner etc

Once again, he asked me to quit by our SECOND date

I am in two minds about this, I actually dont think this man has done anything wrong asking if you would stop, he obviously likes you and doesn’t want to stop dating you so good on him for being outright but on the first or second date it’s a bit much, it is an addiction after all. It stinks - even if you do it once or twice a day outside you will still smell, it is so so bad for your health (trust me I work in healthcare!) so I get it. Have you asked why he still lives with his parents? If it’s to provide care, good on him, if not, 45 year old… no thanks! He does sound like a weirdo though!!

Smoker here (working on cutting down.) My reply to the do you plan to give up smoking question would be does he plan to live independently of his parents? It's a fair question. If you two got together it's highly unlikely you'd get much intimate time at his parent's house so he would be spending his time at yours. Would this arrangement be OK with you because it wouldn't with me. Why is he still living with his parents? Is it because his mum does his washing for him, cooks for him and keeps a tidy house for him? Wouldn't his expectation be that you would do all these if you were in a relationship with him? This alone would put me off. As for his cleavage and bikini comments, I can see why he's still living with his parents: he's a creep. Finally, there's the cost of the lemonade comment - he's a miserable tight arse. For any and all of the above reasons, I'd never see him again.

You both seem completely incompatible.

He is no catch I agree, it’s not unreasonable to not want to date a smoker however.

You may well be far fitter than him, but there’s no such thing as a healthy smoker, and it’s naive to think like this. Smoke if you want to of course, but don’t be in denial about its impact on your health.