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Original poster

45 and still lives in the house he grew up in with his parents, but he objects to me smoking

381 replies

WildflowerGardens · 22/07/2025 12:31

So I had a first date with a man, 45, who it turns out still lives in the house he grew up in, with his parents. He has never moved out despite having a good job and no illnesses.

I left home when I was 18 to go to university, and since then have rented with friends or partners.

I was going to let it slide as he seemed like a nice man, but after our date he was texting regarding meeting again and then texted “By the way, do you plan to give up smoking?”

During our date I had had one cigarette in three hours, which I had well away from him and washed my hands thoroughly afterwards.

is it reasonable of him to ask me to give up smoking after one date? And should I be perturbed that he lives at home at 45, never having left?

OP posts:
Steelworks · 22/07/2025 15:41

I think it’s a bit different if you’re in your twenties (I have one) living at home, than in your forties. I get the set up may be mutually beneficial to him and his parents, but it’s a tad unusual that someone of that age hasn’t flown the nest.

Is his name Timothy? (Oldies may get this reference).

Kubricklayer · 22/07/2025 15:42

"I'm sorry Leiutenant Dan, she tastes like cigarettes"

GiveDogBone · 22/07/2025 15:42

Did you meet online? You’d normally state on your profile whether you were a smoker or not, because for many people that’s a dealbreaker. What did you say?

And just to be abundantly clear, unlike some of the other replies which incorrectly accuse him of trying to control you, he merely asked whether you plan to give up smoking or not. That’s an entirely legitimate question, the answer to which he can reflect on. He did not say, “give up smoking or there will be no second date”, even if that’s a likely result if you respond “no”.

Finally, it’s super weird to be living at home in your 40’s unless there’s been a traumatic life event (e.g. divorce). If there hasn’t there will be three of you in any relationship: you, him and his domineering mother.

vodkaredbullgirl · 22/07/2025 15:43

Steelworks · 22/07/2025 15:41

I think it’s a bit different if you’re in your twenties (I have one) living at home, than in your forties. I get the set up may be mutually beneficial to him and his parents, but it’s a tad unusual that someone of that age hasn’t flown the nest.

Is his name Timothy? (Oldies may get this reference).

That's what I was thinking lol

DiscoBob · 22/07/2025 15:43

His housing arrangements don't really have anything to do with the fact he doesn't like smoking.

I mean, I smoke and I won't quit because someone I barely know tells me to. But if someone doesn't like smoking/the smell etc then often they will turn down dating a smoker. That's their preogative. You have to accept that as a smoker.

His situation living at home could mean you misalign in many ways, coupled with the fact he doesn't like smoking, I guess it means you're not well suited. But he'd probably hate smoking just as much if he lived in his own house.

CJFJ1 · 22/07/2025 15:44

Daisyvodka · 22/07/2025 14:22

This thread is so interesting, because every man I've ever met whose never moved out of their parents house or is back long term (3 years+) after a relationship breakdown, turned out to be emotionally immature and/or financially irresponsible and/or still letting mummy do everything for them. I've never met one thats emotionally mature and responsible. About half of them have a sob story about not moving out... that upon any form of interrogation always ends up being due to their own bad decision making. I
wonder if its to do with where I live, maybe its because we dont live in a cheap part of the country but its not city prices, so maybe im more likely to only meet men for whom its a 'cant be bothered/failure to launch' rather than a 'fully mature adult who lives fully independently with parents'. However I do wonder if there's ever a bit of um... parental bias, of the assessment of their children, given the forum. Interesting stuff!

Yes - my sibling (entering his 50s) is one of these men. I won't say too much but he fits your description perfectly.

MightlySlad · 22/07/2025 15:45

XelaM · 22/07/2025 15:09

Am I the only person on this thread who thinks smokers (not vapers though) are cool 😎 I'd totally date a smoker - it's hot

Nope.

I'm not a total idiot, I know the risks to smoking, I know how painful the death can be etc etc but, I find it hot.

I don't know why. I think It's the rebellion thing? Not many people smoke now and it gives me 'bad girl' vibes which are attractive to me. I accept I may not be wired right!

I have began seeing someone recently who smokes. Not a lot but she does.

They say our fetishes develop in childhood, I wonder if I have felt safest around those who smoke or something like that.

Living with your parents in your forties on the other hand? Nope. I do not want cooping up in someone's bedroom like a teenager. I don't want your parents hearing us having 'fun'. I don't want to be brought back to your parent's after a few drinks and have to make small talk.

I let it slide with my ex (she moved back in with them shortly into our relationship so had been independent) and I regretted it, eventually I ended up refusing to stay there altogether.

SecretNameforMN · 22/07/2025 15:46

I want to argue with those who say it's a red flag that a man still lives with his parents at 45 and that they would avoid such a man, not be interested in dating him etc.

Because I happen to know a man whose family built their own large detached house when he was a child. He did leave home in his 20s and bought a house with his fiancee, who called the wedding off at the last minute because she got a fantastic job in Hong Kong and he did not want to live there. Long story short he did not earn enough to take on the whole mortgage alone, and he lost a load of money on the property through being in negative equity. Once he had sold the house his parents urged him to move back in rather than wasting money on renting some pokey flat. They had loads of spare bedrooms, large gardens, garages, etc and would only ask for his share of the utilities and that he do his share of the housework. And so he did.

He stayed there into his 30s and 40s, dated lots but never got lucky in love. (Maybe because those he dated rejected him for living with his parents?) Then dad became infirm so he started looking after him, followed by mum, and he became their full time residential carer.

Now in his 60s he's set to inherit a house worth a million, and, better, he has 20 years of experience of day to day cooking, cleaning, laundry, ironing and everything else involved in caring for vulnerable people. He is kind, compassionate and endlessly patient. In short, a perfect prospect for a lady in her 60s who is looking for a partner to share her final decades.

Far from being a "man-child" as many on this thread would call him, he is more responsible and mature than so many of the useless husbands I read about who won't lift a finger to help their wives with the housework.

5128gap · 22/07/2025 15:49

He didn't ask you to give up smoking. He asked if you planned to, presumably because if you had no intention of giving up, he wouldn't want to progress things. Which is fair enough, really. A lot of people wouldn't want a partner who smokes. Not sure what his living arrangements have to do with that though. You're either put off by that or you're not. It's not a case of I'll overlook you living with your parents if you overlook my smoking is it? Things are either deal breakers or they're not.

Kubricklayer · 22/07/2025 15:51

MightlySlad · 22/07/2025 15:45

Nope.

I'm not a total idiot, I know the risks to smoking, I know how painful the death can be etc etc but, I find it hot.

I don't know why. I think It's the rebellion thing? Not many people smoke now and it gives me 'bad girl' vibes which are attractive to me. I accept I may not be wired right!

I have began seeing someone recently who smokes. Not a lot but she does.

They say our fetishes develop in childhood, I wonder if I have felt safest around those who smoke or something like that.

Living with your parents in your forties on the other hand? Nope. I do not want cooping up in someone's bedroom like a teenager. I don't want your parents hearing us having 'fun'. I don't want to be brought back to your parent's after a few drinks and have to make small talk.

I let it slide with my ex (she moved back in with them shortly into our relationship so had been independent) and I regretted it, eventually I ended up refusing to stay there altogether.

Show quote history

Nowt hotter than orbiting a smoker before descending into their nauseating atmsophere, and witnessing an uncontrollable coughing fit which ends with a hawking up of phlegm climax.

Sexy!

Original poster
WildflowerGardens · 22/07/2025 15:52

GiveDogBone · 22/07/2025 15:42

Did you meet online? You’d normally state on your profile whether you were a smoker or not, because for many people that’s a dealbreaker. What did you say?

And just to be abundantly clear, unlike some of the other replies which incorrectly accuse him of trying to control you, he merely asked whether you plan to give up smoking or not. That’s an entirely legitimate question, the answer to which he can reflect on. He did not say, “give up smoking or there will be no second date”, even if that’s a likely result if you respond “no”.

Finally, it’s super weird to be living at home in your 40’s unless there’s been a traumatic life event (e.g. divorce). If there hasn’t there will be three of you in any relationship: you, him and his domineering mother.

Edited

Wrong, actually, as described in previous posts he asked me to stop smoking by our next date (which was scheduled for this week, now cancelled by me).

also we met at a singles matching event so no profiles

OP posts:
PandaKunKun · 22/07/2025 15:54

He still lives with his parents
He referred to your cleavage as “the view” and praised it more than once
He still lives with his parents
He asked whether you wore a bikini around the house
He still lives with his parents
He complained that the lemonade you bought him cost a tenth of the price of the tickets he’d got for Kew Gardens, despite your ticket being free and his half price
He still lives with his parents

What are you wating for OP? This man is a catch!!

For what it's worth, I also wouldn't date a smoker.

Louisa58 · 22/07/2025 15:54

WildflowerGardens · 22/07/2025 12:55

He was actually rather odd. He referred to my (modest) cleavage as “the view” and praised it more than once. He asked whether I wore a bikini around the house(?!). He also complained quasi-jokingly that the lemonade I’d bought him in the cafe cost “a tenth of the price” of the tickets he’d got us for Kew Gardens - although my ticket was free and his was half price as he had a voucher….!

Show quote history

Ooh no no no ! Walk away. Somewhat lewd comments on a first date would be a no no for me. Sorry but it sounds like he has some growing up to do ie not make potentially inappropriate comments so early on. Unless you found that funny, complimentary, etc. Just me maybe and everyone to their own. I also find the comment about who paid what and how much a bit of a red flag.

MightlySlad · 22/07/2025 15:54

Kubricklayer · 22/07/2025 15:51

Nowt hotter than orbiting a smoker before descending into their nauseating atmsophere, and witnessing an uncontrollable coughing fit which ends with a hawking up of phlegm climax.

Sexy!

Show quote history

I didn't say anyone ELSE had to like it...

gannett · 22/07/2025 15:55

GiveDogBone · 22/07/2025 15:42

Did you meet online? You’d normally state on your profile whether you were a smoker or not, because for many people that’s a dealbreaker. What did you say?

And just to be abundantly clear, unlike some of the other replies which incorrectly accuse him of trying to control you, he merely asked whether you plan to give up smoking or not. That’s an entirely legitimate question, the answer to which he can reflect on. He did not say, “give up smoking or there will be no second date”, even if that’s a likely result if you respond “no”.

Finally, it’s super weird to be living at home in your 40’s unless there’s been a traumatic life event (e.g. divorce). If there hasn’t there will be three of you in any relationship: you, him and his domineering mother.

Edited

Those kinds of life traumas are quite common though.

I know a few people in their 30s and 40s (both sexes, though mostly women) who've moved back with their parents, either temporarily or not, and the reasons are always complicated and various.

Divorce. Health issues (the adult children or the parents). Unexpected job losses. Financial setbacks (not always in anyone's control). The list goes on. It's really poor form to assume any adult living with their parents is doing so because they're deficient in some way.

LaLaLandDreams · 22/07/2025 15:55

Both off putting.

coxesorangepippin · 22/07/2025 15:56

Bikini? View?! Half price tickets? Lives with parents?

How will this Marlboro Man enrich your life op?

5128gap · 22/07/2025 15:56

GiveDogBone · 22/07/2025 15:42

Did you meet online? You’d normally state on your profile whether you were a smoker or not, because for many people that’s a dealbreaker. What did you say?

And just to be abundantly clear, unlike some of the other replies which incorrectly accuse him of trying to control you, he merely asked whether you plan to give up smoking or not. That’s an entirely legitimate question, the answer to which he can reflect on. He did not say, “give up smoking or there will be no second date”, even if that’s a likely result if you respond “no”.

Finally, it’s super weird to be living at home in your 40’s unless there’s been a traumatic life event (e.g. divorce). If there hasn’t there will be three of you in any relationship: you, him and his domineering mother.

Edited

Bit of a leap there. For all you know his poor mother might long for the day he moves out but is too kind or passive to say so. Or it could be his father who's the domineering one. Or it could be him, dominating both his parents to live for free. Not everything a man does can be blamed on his mum. Which you may discover for yourself if you have a son.

moose62 · 22/07/2025 16:00

I would be more worried about a 45 year old man who still lives with his parents and obviously doesn't have much of a filter!
What is he bringing to the party?
You could give up smoking or not...your decision....just as he could choose not to go out with a smoker...but very presumptuous to question whether you will give it up, presumably for the privilege of going out with him.

gamerchick · 22/07/2025 16:00

Look, this relationship doesn't have legs. This man would be a nightmare to live with. They always are when fresh from their parents.

Message back, 'i plan to stop smoking as much as you plan to move out of your parents and be an adult'. Then onto the next. It's not that much of a big deal.

Smokers are a pain in the arse for a none smokers though, You're always waiting around for them. Vapers are worse because they're constantly doing it. Find someone who's on the same wavelength as you.

Biscuitsneeded · 22/07/2025 16:01

WildflowerGardens · 22/07/2025 15:33

I’m in better health than him and have never had a problem with finding nonsmoking boyfriends in the past

Show quote history

You may be in better health right now...

XelaM · 22/07/2025 16:03

Flyswats · 22/07/2025 15:30

Smoking is pretty disgusting.

Maybe he just doesn't want to end up with a woman who has a tracheotomy or dies of small cell carcinoma of the lungs?

The two people I know who died of lung cancer (one of them at the age of 42) had never smoked a day in their lives

Biscuitsneeded · 22/07/2025 16:06

XelaM · 22/07/2025 16:03

The two people I know who died of lung cancer (one of them at the age of 42) had never smoked a day in their lives

Show quote history

That anecdotal evidence based on two people you know does nothing to change the reality which is that smoking is the leading preventable cause of cancer - all cancers, not just lung cancer.

Swan6 · 22/07/2025 16:06

Wouldn't date a smoker
Wouldn't date someone still at home at 45

EarthlyNightshade · 22/07/2025 16:07

ThisTicklishFatball · 22/07/2025 13:46

This thread is reeking of offensiveness.

Let him go. He deserves someone who can truly provide him comfort, and it's clear that person isn't you.

I have three adult siblings, including two brothers, who live with our parents. They all have stable jobs, earning around 60k each for now, and since they’re young, they’ll likely keep climbing the career ladder and potentially become wealthy. They work remotely or in hybrid roles, so they don’t have much reason to move out. Everyone gets along well, and each person takes care of their own expenses while also contributing to the household chores. If they keep living with our parents until they're 45 because it's beneficial for them, that's great. It's better than the alternatives.

The alternatives might be travelling, getting their own homes, having their own lives, getting married, having children. Learning how to really manage a household, not just doing their own bit.
Having a space of their own to invite people back to and their own privacy. In your twenties it's reasonable - but in your 40s, I would seriously swerve. Might be a lovely person but not someone ready for a relationship of any depth.

You sound like you have moved out of home - why was that?