Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

I also read the first thread. I think the issue is OP has literally no other distractions or interests in life apart from her partner, plus she has a lot of unresolved trauma and has only had 1-2 online therapy sessions, so he is taking the full brunt of the intensity of her feelings 24/7. She cannot think about anything else apart from every single tiny interaction with him. It’s not fair to expect he would know how to get everything right, he is not an expert in psychology and OP has not worked on her issues

You don't need a therapist, OP. You need to see a psychiatrist. Your issues are way too deep and severe to be dealth with just therapy.

You sound incredibly childish and a lot of a drama llama.

Let this man go. You can't make a relationship work while you have all these issues.

Get therapy yourself and date when you have a healthy attitude to life. Right now you don't have a healthy attitude, you're exhausting.

This is why j asked whether she had a job or hobbies.

OP why aren't you working?

I actually don't think you are real now. Sorry but you wanted him to reschedule a workman because you felt anxious!!! You want him to look at the rice cooker and then start a fight when he tries.
Please please please show him this thread. Open his eyes so that he can see how abusive you are being to him and he can get the strength to get out.

I just don’t think you’re hearing people on this forum. It’s not his job to validate your feelings when you go in on the attack and make a problem out of nothing. Putting your ear to the door, hearing a negative tone, feeling a bit uncomfortable, deciding that’s his fault, going into the bathroom, ignoring what he said, accusing him of sounding negative, repeating that even though he explained….you have MADE the problem here. If this is the pattern of behaviour yes I agree with others that he is being very patient with you and as you get better you’re going to have to work hard at making sure it doesn’t alter the dynamic between you. How can he feel comfortable with you when you might suddenly accuse him of something? When he’s tired and doesn’t want to touch, that’s ok…let him rest. Unless you treat him like a person rather than something you’re entitled to it’s going to continue feeling exhausting, I speak as an anxious person who had to learn after watching dysfunctional parents that your husband can’t be your everything, where are your friends to talk to about your mental health? Stop putting everything on him. I hope you feel better soon

She said she was working but it wasn’t clear, she has a lot of debt so this guy pays for everything. She has no friends and he isn’t allowed to go out with his friends. It’s a really sad toxic situation. I think everyone felt so bad for her boyfriend and that it was turning abusive from the OP, the last thread got deleted

I am so glad I’m not your boyfriend and REALLY glad I’m not you. “I know it has nothing to do with me, but I need to talk about how this thing that isn’t at all about me makes me feeeeeellll. WHY WON’T YOU MAKE IT ABOUT MEEEEE?!?”

I don’t get what you mean by feeling ‘pressured’ - you get anxious??

in the example you gave about the water filter man, it was not your partners responsibility to book it for another day- it is your responsibility to deal in a better way with your anxiety. this example shows how your anxiety is interfering in your everyday life and with kindness I feel needs more than therapy. It is not reasonable to book a service and cancel that trade at short notice. Would you consider seeing your GP and discussing medication? Maybe looking at different types of therapy where you can retrain your brain to deal better with these negative thoughts rather than just dwelling on your feelings?

if all your arguments start in a similar way then no wonder your partner has to put ground rules in for talking to each other about feelings, but just to add he obviously cares about you to do this so keep that in mind. Try not to start with a statement about his behaviour and how he is in the wrong, you shouldn’t be trying to change his behaviour to make yourself feel better- you need to have some acceptance and grace, it sounds like you have a very screwed up view of what a relationship should be like with him dropping everything to do exactly as you say.

would you consider showing him this post?

You again.
Your boyfriend has no idea what he's done wrong, because he hasn't done anything wrong.
He's in the shower, behind a closed door that you're listening at. He explained, but you have to keep finding reasons why it's a problem.
You start an argument, and then you throw whatever you can at it to keep it going, and then you cry.
You are manipulative.
You don't need your bloody feelings validated when he is just practising a speech, in private.
Leave the poor bastard alone.

How old are you OP? You sound about 14!

Seriously, you need to sort your own issues out before dragging another human into your insecurities. You are being abusive to this man.
Read that again. You are abusive.

I get weird and needy in relationships. Not so bad that I start fights if I don't get reassurance but I do need a lot of reassurance. You need to be single op until you sort yourself out, however long that takes. Personally, I've been single for 14 years now. I'm a much better person when I'm single so I've stayed that way.

But OP, I’m afraid not every single one of our feelings gets to be “validated”. It is not his job, mid shower, to talk you down because you heard him whisper something in a tone you didn’t like through the bathroom door and decide it was about you.

you asked him about it and he explained and he cut you off the third time you started in about it when he has already explained. He shouldn’t have to stand there until you have finished trying to wheedle him into an apology he doesn’t have to make.

I think you ought to find a new therapist because this one is clearly not good for you because she’s just telling you what you want to hear. From the sounds of it from this one snippet I’d say that poor man needs therapy to leave his abusive girlfriend.

I have a really hard time dealing with strangers and I’m not in my own country so it’s hard to talk to people. I’m in Asia I won’t specifically say exactly where but they don’t speak English here that well or Russian.

so he handles all of those things.

I'd get defensive if I was talking through a speech on the shower and someone burst in and made it all about them and wouldn't listen to my explanation that it was nothing to do with them. Does he get no privacy?

So youre Russian? Okay, there may be a cultural factor here

It's not meant to be this hard. This is more drama than I've had in my whole 20+ year long relationship with DH.

I disagree with your therapist that you are “both” wrong. You are 10000% in the wrong here. The poor guy is minding his own business in the shower and you have your ear against the door listening to him then have a go at him. He wasn’t talking to you or about you annd was whispering so clearly wasn’t meaning for anyone to hear. You invaded his privacy and sounds like will also have shaken his confidence before some work event. Unbelievable. If this is how you normally behave he should leave.

You choose to eavesdrop on him while he is the shower, talking to himself about something that is nothing to do with you and because his tone is not to your liking you expect him to immediately hug you and profess his love for you and if he doesn’t, you start a fight?

He needs to leave - at least temporarily- and you need a better therapist.

Most couples in normal relationships do not spend all their time talking about feelings. They are more likely to discuss putting the bins out!
Most couples also have time separately, by themselves, to do their own thing. Every waking moment does not need to involve or be about their partner.
Honestly, OP, if I were your partner, I would not cope with your constant need for reassurance, declarations of love etc. I would probably leave you, because I would feel suffocated.

It sounds like anxiety is driving a lot of your thinking, feeling and behaviour, and you're trying to control his behaviour to ease your anxiety. It's not healthy behaviour. You need to address that.

Pressured as in I feel bad energy in the air, like he’s mad at me or is talking about me.

when this feelings come I start biting my nails, start having tremors and etc.

I’ve said many bad things that same evening. He actually did show me how bad my thoughts can be because I blamed him about my eating disorder. In my mind I felt he was controlling the way I eat, but he merely suggested that I should be eating mostly Whole Foods and some processed foods.

we are polar opposite in this regard. He cooks ALOT. He eats a near perfect diet minus twice a week. I blamed him he’s giving me eating disorders because he makes me feel bad when I’m eating sugary things. Like if I ask him to get me ice cream he gives me a look and says “you sure you want that?” And offers fruits instead. Then I over eat because it didn’t fulfill my emotional hunger and i want to throw up.

so i told him don’t make me feel bad for wanting ice cream and sodas. He said he has to try to steer me away and eat whole foods because I’ve gotten sick recently from not eating enough fiber in my diet. And he was taking me to doctors, putting cream on for me and he said if I had taken care of myself better, things like this can be mitigated.

so we agreed now that I will eat whatever I want whenever I want as long as I don’t put the consequences on him, so now I feel better and try to eat better in my own way.

I know someone who behaves like you do. They think that if they talk about their feelings then it’s the duty of the other person to listen and validate. What they don’t understand is that they are confusing their thoughts with their feelings.

A thought can be incorrect. A feeling can’t be disputed. This person thinks if they phrase the thought in terms of the feeling then suddenly it has merit and needs to be heard!

What you’ve said to your DH is that you feel pressured. Aside from the fact this makes no sense (why would him talking TO HIMSELF, make YOU feel pressured?!), you’re making it all about you and your feeling.

What you likely mean is that you think he is talking indirectly about you. You heard a negative tone being used. You assumed this was in relation to you and your relationship. Or at least that he was being negative about relationships generally and using your relationship as the basis for this. And then you hounded him and started a row. But you used the tired old “but these are my feelings!!! Waaaahhh!!!!” as the basis for justifying your poor behaviour. Because feelings are never wrong and should be validated right?!

Wrong. Your feelings are real but they have originated with a thought. You tried to make the conversation about your feelings but I think your DH saw right through that and realised that essentially you were saying “I think you’re in there being negative about me”. He disputed that and tried to explain why that thought was wrong. (“I’m not talking to or about you. It’s just a podcast practice”) But you kept derailing his explanation as all you wanted to do was go on about the feeling of pressure. But the thought where the feeling originated was incorrect according to him. So he was shutting it down. You have literally made something that was private and didn’t involve you all about you. You have then justified doing that by saying he has not validated your feelings!

You need to look at why you keep having these THOUGHTS. Why do you think he thinks negatively of you and your relationship? Is this based on actual evidence? Or are you insecure? You sound like you need a lot of reassurance. Ask yourself why that is. Where do these thoughts originate? Is it internal or external? Do you feel insecure and paranoid in other relationships too? Do you have a tendency to overthink stuff? So you suffer from RSD?

Remember, feelings come from thoughts. And we need to examine where these thoughts come from. Could be external (he treats you poorly, he looks at other women, he gives the cold shoulder and is abusive emotionally) or it could be internal (you need lots of reassurance, you have low self worth, perhaps you’re ND, your parents were emotionally unavailable, etc). Often feelings come from internal thoughts about who we are and what the other person is surely doing. Assumptions are made. Baggage is carried around….Perception is not reality. It’s not his job to fix you. Look inward. And look hard. Because picking fights with him in the shower and crying about your feelings says more about you than it does about him. And if he says you do this every few days then clearly you have some issues. You’re looking to him to fix your feelings but until you understand where your negative thoughts are coming from, you won’t be able to fix anything.

Hes Asked you to record conversations due to him saying you put words in his mouth?

Why not set up some cameras as well, analyse every second of his behaviour as well? Then discuss at length with your therapist? I'm sure you'll eventually find the evidence that you're looking for.

Or just split up. If the next one has to ask you to record them to stop putting words in their mouth, you're either really unlucky. Or just absolutely awful.

You are picking fights and then getting distressed that you “don’t get the reassurance you need” and this is too much for anyone to have to put up with all the time. He does need to put at boundary in at some point, he can’t give in all the time.

Have you read “I hate you don’t leave me?” Might help.