Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

She said on the other thread that if he told her he would put their children above her that she would leave him. So, yes, do those children a favor and don't have them.

You sound as if you need to do a lot of work on yourself and the way you react to others.
Your poor boyfriend. I hope he has real life support.

And a multimillionairess who is excellent at everything (except talking).
Seriously seek professional help from a real therapist/psychiatrist and stop overthinking EVERYTHING!!

Hang on, am I getting this straight- you cook for him occasionally and might "give" him children, and in the meantime, he pays for everything so you can afford to pay off your debts. You eavesdrop on him talking to himself in the shower and then criticise the tone he is talking in and accuse him of upsetting you by talking to himself behind a closed door. You claim that eating dinner together is not a date. You insist on regular one hour timeslots to talk about your feelings.

You sound like a living nightmare.

I mean, he also sounds like a lunatic but I'm not surprised, living with that would drive anyone mad.

I wonder if this person is real because she sounds incredibly unhinged. Terrifying in her intensity anger.
Please leave this man, do not ever have children and find a new therapist.

You expect him to know what you are thinking and what you need? what about his needs?

I really must repeat what so many have said. you need to fix yourself before you can be in a relationship. You will damage him beyond repair if you continue like this.

You can't even listen to what he says about how me feels without twisting it to yourself.

Quite frankly sending him that sort of reel is massivley passive agressive and unneccesary.

I have only read the OP. I am a therapist and I wouldn't want you to send me a recording of your argument as it breaches all kinds of regulations. Also your therapist is there to work with you not him.

I’m autistic and I do NOT behave like this. I’m autistic and I’m NOT abusive.

The OP is seriously in need to a psychiatrist and needs serious mental health support. Her poor partner needs support to end an abusive relationship and therapy to move on from her.

(And expecting someone to read your mind and then getting disappointed when they don't is the trait of a narcissist)

He shouldn't be going to 'couples counselling' with you because he is the victim of your abuse. You need to leave him (I appreciate that means losing your meal ticket and whipping boy) and get mental health support from someone properly qualified.

I agree with several posters who suggest you could be dangerous given that it takes so little to make you angry.

Please do not have children. Parents need to be able to put them first and I can't see that you would be capable of doing that - at least not without significant therapy first.

If your boyfriend was my son, I would be doing everything in my power to support him to end this toxic relationship. He deserves so much better.

i need my man to let me tell him how i feel. I need him to hear me out no matter how big or small and I will hear him out as well.

if we separated I might literally die, I can’t even imagine.

I haven’t read the whole thread, just your replies, OP.

These bits above stuck out to me. It’s clear you have a view of relationships rooted in needs that haven’t been met from your childhood. The need to have a person hear you out - this is something an attentive parent does for their very small child. It’s not something that happens all the time in adult relationships.

And the feeling that you might die without your partner - that’s how a very small child feels when they’re not yet aware that they’re a separate person from their parents. It’s not how emotionally mature adults function in relationships.

People will readily label these needs in you as narcissistic traits. They are narcissistic - from that time back in your childhood when you should have been the apple of someone’s eye, commanding their full attention. It was developmentally appropriate back then, by its not now that you’re an adult.

I agree with the suggestion repeated lots of times here to get proper qualified therapy focussed on you. You need that attention from a therapist to partly replace (where possible) what you should have got in childhood, and partly to help you acknowledge what you missed out on in childhood and grieve it, and partly so you can learn the skills to look after yourself emotionally - all so that you can stop projecting it onto your partner or other adult relationships, or expecting unrealistic things from people.

I just read all of her posts on this thread and the previous thread and there's no way that she's a real person.

And being malnourished can affect your brain function…
(goes back to read the rest of the thread)

Ffs! Get a grip putting your ear to the door, that’s what children do when they think their parents are talking about birthday presents!

Has anyone considered Borderline Personality Disorder?

He needs to get away from you fast!

Shutting down abusive behaviour is never wrong.

Is anyone else getting a "90 Day Fiance" vibe from this post? :)

And she says that if he meets his friends, goes to his church or does volunteering (like he used enjoy doing) to she will have a panic attack and pass out, so he hasn’t seen anyone socially without her for six months.

Wow...I read her other post where she won't even answer the door whilst he visits his Grandma. I hope she does get him on here, hopefully we can convince him to get help.

Well OP makes for interesting reading...

Don't quite know what what to say about her..

Yes, many people except op

@togo1004 you are placing a hell of a lot of blame at your fiancé’s door. Please look at this list of your behaviours towards this man:

You have said you blame him for your eating disorder.

You blame him because you drank too much coffee and triggered your anxiety and he should have rearranged the tradesman visiting.

You blame him for making you feel pressure when you overheard his tone in the shower (which was not directed at you) and felt triggered.

He has asked you to record yourself. There is a reason for that. Your behaviour is unhinged.

You demanded he be the one to fix your feelings by saying he hadn’t done enough reassurance and it was his fault you felt the way you did.

You accuse him of sounding negative (through a door!). Then you blame him for being defensive. (By the way: people tend to react defensively when you accuse them).

You go out for a dinner date, but you don’t get to walk afterwards (as he was struggling with his breathing) so according to you that doesn’t count as a proper date. It was just eating. It wasn’t good enough for you.

You blame him for going out with his friends because that makes you panic as the thought of him having fun without you is panic inducing.

You have health issues that prevent you doing half the chores.

You have debts that mean he supports you financially and, according to you, has very little left to spend on himself.

He’s allocated two evenings a week to discuss your feelings, but you blame him for not listening to you enough.

You’ve hit him once (but it’s because he didn’t mind and you were sorry).

You’ve told him you’ll die if he breaks up with you.

He has previously been abused by an ex partner. I think this poor poor man has a very low bar because of that and he is allowing you to treat him this way. If you really loved this man, and I don’t mean in terms of what he gives you, then you would do the honourable thing and set him free of your toxic behaviour.

I know you’re getting help (one session of therapy is about 0.1% of the work you need to do on yourself) but your issues are going to take YEARS of hard work and reflection to address. In the meantime this man is your victim. I know you don’t see it like that. Everything you’ve described makes it sound like you think you’re the victim (just read the list of things you blame him for!). But your perception is the issue here, not his behaviour. He is being massively accommodating. Too much in fact. Because he is enabling your toxic behaviour.

Likely he has been damaged by his previous relationship to the point where he thinks this one is better and therefore ok. But it isn’t ok. Your treatment of him is absolutely awful.

Please listen to the unanimous voices on here and let him go. You need to seek help. Much more help than what you’re currently getting. You are a long way off being able to be in a relationship. It is unfair to keep him in this one.

These are your problems. They can’t be sorted in couples therapy. In fact the advice is that couples therapy should not be attempted with an abusive partner. And hard as it is to hear: your insecurities and anxieties are causing you to emotionally, physically and financially abuse this man. Please do the right thing. You say you have no friends left. There is a reason why everyone is backing away from you. You’re not fit to be in any relationships right now.

Well said.

@togo1004 please read this fully. And actually try to understand what's being said before responding with excuses and passing blame on your boyfriend.

WHOA. You need to chill out. He was 100% right to get defensive, why on earth was him talking (to himself!) in the shower, even IN a negative way, pressuring you in any shape or form? Your therapist was being kind to you by saying your feelings were validated, because they weren't. Sorry to be so harsh OP but you have some serious issues and if you carry on like this your gonna get dumped (and I wouldn't blame him either). No wonder you're seeking professional help.