Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

Yes they validate your emotions within the safe space of the therapy exchange - it is not good that they tutor OP to rely on others as if they were her therapist though. I knew someone like this, every emotional state was the responsibility of others and of course a therapist validated her in her expectations that everyone apart from her was responsible for how she felt. It is bad therapy.

I think the hardest part for you being in therapy is going to be the ultimate realization that your fiance is NOT responsible to heal your wounded parts. And your triggers are showing you your wounds.

Confronting your partner in the shower because you were triggered is inappropriate. He felt cornered and responded accordingly.

You will need to learn how to self regulate your emotions rather than react to everything that triggers you. The right therapist will help you learn to regulate emotions and self soothe.

Do you work OP? Or do you watch kids’ tv all day?

I have flitted through your threads so I cannot remember which one this was from ~ you said if you ever have children , you must always be his priority over them, and for the same reason, if there was ever a choice between saving you or the baby when giving birth , you expect him to choose you .

I have never been horrified by a post in MN before now but this one has done . I sincerely hope you never have children .

Definitely agree with that. I havent read all OP's posts yet, but the ones i have seen (after i posted my message) are very concerning and by the sounds of it OP doesnt consult a real (qualified, experienced) therapist at all. I think most advise on here are is better than the one her supposed therapist gave her..

You made a post on here that your parents have a good relationship and are still together but I can't now locate it, maybe the one that was deleted? Yet in your last thread you said you only met your dad at 11 and your mum was a heroin addict who's life you had to save when little. So what is it?

Wow, this is a lot to read and process. OP from reading all the updates you have provided this is my opinion. You live in a different country, you have no friends there, you have anxiety around others, you don't currently work and you feel completely reliant of your DP for your financial, emotional and mental wellbeing. Your DP appears to be supportive. However due to your insecurities you have constantly on tenterhooks and getting angry and perfectly normal situations and your DP is expected to continue to be calm and reasonable. Obviously he isn't as this is alot for him to deal with. I very much hope you have a good therapist as I think you will need them within this relationship and also outside. I believe you should focus on yourself, your anxiety and your self worth as a independent person. This can be done through medication, therapy ( which you are already having ) and also practising meeting new people ( like the boiler man ) and starting new hobbies or work. I'm sorry to say you can't rely on your partner to give you want you need as it needs to come from within. For what its worth I think your partner wants to help. Good luck

@togo1004 , you seem to be HUGELY attached to the idea that all feelings are valid, and when people have questioned this, you’ve been aghast, thinking that all of Instagram, ChatGPT, therapists, the internet, agree with you. But that’s just not the case; you’ve fallen into an “echo chamber” where Instagram is serving you posts like those you’ve already liked, and you’re self-selecting things on other services that agree with you. There are plenty of sources online, even from psychologists and psychiatrists, who agree the statement “all feelings are valid” is not just bad, but dangerous, because people then use those feelings to justify bad behavior. Here’s a good one:

https://angerprofessor.substack.com/p/your-feelings-may-not-be-valid-and

As for the rest of it… I don’t know what to say to you. I read all your comments on both threads (I’ve never seen an OP comment 114 times on a 500-comment thread) and:

• so your therapist is Russian. That’s fine. What matters: IS she accredited? Otherwise, it might as well be ChatGPT. And like many people have said, sounds strange an accredited therapist would say to tape record an argument after one session.
• You’re underweight and your diet provides no vitamins (if it really is coffee with 10 tbsp of sugar, bread butter and cheese, and then bacon and pasta). You may feel like you’ve made a lot of progress from a previous eating disorder but it sounds like you still have one.
• You need to see the writing on the wall. You say you’d die without him. Instead of him saying “I’m not going anywhere,” he says, “You’d be fine in a year.” BECAUSE some part of him knows this toxic relationship can’t last forever. You really are emotionally, socially (by making him feel he is unsafe to leave you to go to church or volunteer with his GRANDMOTHER or see his friends without you tagging along), and apparently you have physically (you slapped him???) abused him.

You need a big, big, BIG wake up call or you’ll be single by this time next year, I guarantee it. And you will never have a relationship that lasts the test of time unless you deal with these issues. You’re a computer programmer! You’re smart! You’re organized! You’ve survived so much! You have it within you to be everything you need, and THEN a romantic partner will just enhance the complete person you are. But being an incomplete person is not romantic. You CAN do this. Please consider individual therapy and medical help for your anxiety - it should not control you.

A fucking Instagram reel?? After all that?

You're beyond help. I hope he does sign off here so we can tell him to run.

@togo1004

i think the sooner you get back to work the better OP, for your own sake.

I think your therapist was too kind, tbh.

This was all on you. You had no business getting involved with your partner's conversation with himself (alone in the shower no less!) and then being 'hurt' that he wasn't validating how he supposedly made you feel about it.

She also continued posting all through her first meeting with the therapist. (See her previous thread.)

At this stage I think you should be on your own and continue seeing a therapist for the issues that are causing problems within your relationship.
You need to work on yourself in order to be the best partner in a relationship and you can't do that whilst you're with someone.

A lot of what is happening is because your anxiety and insecurities are causing upset. And you just expect your partner to pander to your needs whilst ignoring his. You're becoming angry with him over silly things that you could just ignore. Instead you're making such an issue and then expecting him to fix an arguement your actions have started. It's very selfish. No wonder he's cutting you off at times. Hes probably tired of being treated this way constantly and doesn't want to keep dealing with it.

Please, work on yourself without it hurting others.

I agree with your therapist.

No way this is real.

You really don’t “””need” him to hear you out. You decided you can only be happy if he does what you want.

You need to be less needy about what you need from him.

Try doing what HE needs.

OP very respectfully and gently - you need to stop. You are following any feeling of anxiety you have and insisting that your partner take responsibility for it by reassuring you. All this is doing is reinforcing this toxic behaviour of yours.

All feelings are not created the same. If it is a feeling you have a lot, it is more likely to have become a habit or be an anxiety reaction that an actual reflection of what is going on around you.

Asking your partner to reassure you, engage with you when you are responding to these feelings, or go over and over what you feel is the opposite of helpful - it just makes everything worse.

Recording is neither here nor there if you have both agreed to it - but it is concerning you do not seem to be open to any suggestion you have done anything wrong. As for him cutting you off, so would I if you kept repeating the same thing.

I think you are in danger of sinking this relationship. I do hope your therapy can help you respond to your feelings in a different, healthier way.

But you're doing pretty much exactly the same. You're reeling off reasons and not listening. You're getting upset that he's reflecting what you're doing.
Why you feel the way you do isn't necessary to ask him
That's for you to examine. That and the need for all the external validation

So you escalated when he tried to help ....

You mentioned providing him with children. Please don’t.

Do him a favour and break up with him. The poor bloke can’t even have a shower in peace without having to explain himself to you.

I haven't read the entire 33 pages of this thread but I've read all of your responses @togo1004, plus your responses on your previous thread. It's pretty horrendous and actually makes for very scary reading.

I have to say I agree with every single other person who has said you are seriously unwell. You have severe anxiety, OCD and you appear to be extremely self-absorbed, controlling and manipulative. Everything points to a personality disorder and it would benefit you to engage with a psychiatrist.

I'm certain you won't though because you will not acknowledge or accept that you're unwell. I know this because I have a relative who is also extremely mentally unwell - in fact, if I didn't know better, I'd think it was my relative writing all your responses! - and they too will never accept or acknowledge that they have a mental illness, i.e. personality disorder.

I do urge you though to seek proper help, not an online therapist who may or may not even be qualified. If you don't I really do fear that things will spiral so far out of control as to have tragic consequences.

It sounds like you’ve tried to start an argument and your boyfriend sounds pretty reasonable. Perhaps don’t pester him in the shower and then he might not run for the hills ….
I think your therapist is keeping you on board so you don’t sack her.
Sometimes thinking too much and examining your navel for hours on end causes loads of problems where there are none.

Please show the poor man this thread so he can "feel validated" to leave you.

I can only imagine you must be stunningly beautiful!