Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

Oh FFS.

Another manipulation tactic.

Seriously, I know it's been said before, but if this was a man who we were talking about (listening to his wife in the shower, slapping her in the face, not letting her go out with friends, saying that he would leave if she ever puts the kids first.....) everyone would be saying to contact Womens Aid and get the fuck out of there.

You are an abuser @togo1004 .

I honestly think you are being really really unreasonable. Don’t go into the bathroom when others are in there. Don’t assume it’s all about you. You sound very very intense and paranoid.. he won’t be able to live with you exhibiting this sort of behavior- it’s abusive to be honest and no one should have this level of scrutiny. You have no trust in him; it’s over really given your attitude. I would think your therapist will speak to you more about it but I cannot see him in the wrong at all tbh.

Reading all your updates I honestly don’t think you are mentally well enough to be in a relationship. I hope you can improve things and find some perspective xox

Of course he sounds defensive, you were pushing him un reasonable

I think your therapist is saying you both are in wrong so that you don’t feel she is siding with him as she knows you tend to have irrational feelings, when in reality, she knows your partner is not doing anything wrong.

Maybe find another therapist to work on your own feelings. Why do you think he is talking about you? Also, when he first said he was not talking about your and being negative but that such podcast topics are passionate, why didn’t you accept what he said and left. Why you kept telling him he was negative?

OP, I wish you the very best of luck however you are abusing your boyfriend. You pick fights with him, you accuse of him of causing your eating disorder, you rely on him to manage all social interactions including managing your own emotions and he has to pay for everything. You are abusive and honestly very hard work to be around. The issue is you and not your partner. I have also had to ghost friends who behaved in a similar manner as it is absolutely exhausting. Please get the help that you really need.

This is mad! Of course eating out together is a date! I'm going out for dinner with my husband tonight. I'm definitely viewing it as a date. We won't be walking anywhere because it's due to rain plus I'll have my heels on!

Do you have a past trauma, bad childhood?

you need to find a therapist specialising on that.

You sound like an absolute nightmare 😱

Using terms like that to someone clearly with considerable mental health problems is really not in the spirit of the site. Please stop.

You should get some therapy. And then a job and some interests and hobbies. I would be well out that door by now as you sound like hard hard work. Life is too short to put your ear to the door of your partners shower and then pick a fight about his percieved tone. Poor man talking to himself in the shower cos you cant cope with conversations or life.

Well no. But I don't think people would be particularly nice or caring if this was about a man and his behaviour towards his wife.... Mental health problems or not.

i know he’s tired because i can see it. But im also trying. You don’t know what it’s like to never have your feelings heard.

Never have your feelings heard? The poor bloke can't even take a shower without hearing about your feelings. He's telling you very clearly that he's sick and tired of hearing about your feelings. Validate his feelings for once by leaving him be.

NOOOO KIDS!

I have no comments because (if you are real) these problems are too serious to be sorted on a forum.

But please...DONT HAVE A CHILD! Unfair and selfish decision of you.

You are being utterly ridiculous. I call BS. No one can be that self-absorbed that they can’t open a door to a tradesperson (I suppose they’re just meant to be understanding of you too and not mind losing money that day).
I think this must be a (very poor) work of fiction.

Yes i stil believe husband and wife should have each other as priority. lets say im giving birth and husband has to save me or baby, i would like him to save me..

OP you should not be in a relationship. Your considerable issues should not be this bloke's problem.

Sort yourself out.

Why are you making an issue out of him talking to himself? YABU

I've had issues before where I couldn't even meet the delivery man, I've gotten alot better over the years.

There is no way in hell you are prepared to have children if organising cupboards is already a lot of housework in your mind.

I think you sound like hard work to be in a relationship with at the moment.
You aren't going to be able to maintain a healthy relationship when you analyse everything he says , you are asking him to do so many things to appease you and your needs ,i think to the detriment of his well being.
I read from your posts that you expect xyz from him yet when he expresses his wants and needs you expect to be prioritised ,this is not fair .
Living on eggshells is not sustainable for anybody.

Put your ear to the door. So not really audible and you're trying to find something to argue about?

And on the basis of this comment, I'm sure this isn't real.
No-one real would prioritise anyone ahead of their children.

IF you are genuine and IF this is a genuine thread, go get yourself proper qualified help before contemplating a relationship, let alone children!

I had some trauma in the past, i went over them in my last thread but it was deleted.

I'm working with a therapist to sort these things out because I want to be happy with my man.

Today we are getting alone just fine, laughing, cooking and sharing food with each other.