Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

Usually coffee doesn’t bother me but that day I drank 2 because I was so sleepy all day. And it gave me horrible anxiety. And I was in no condition at that time to even think about opening a door for a stranger.

You should absolutely not be having children with him or with anyone until you get proper psychiatric help OP. I am not trying to be nasty - you are not well.

You get hysterical if he asks you to do more than organise some drawers in the house, and yet this whole thread seems to be water off a duck's back.

Well you’re not doing that are you! What peace and respect are you showing him? None! Poor man literally (and metaphorically) can’t breathe around you!

Please don’t have children. You are not emotionally equipped to meet the needs of a child.

This. And the common denominator in both the OP’s longterm relationships and her relationship with her therapist and in whatever happened on her deleted thread is her.

Please do NOT have children. You need to deal with lots of strangers for all manner of reasons when you have children. Being in "no condition" to deal with strangers because you've had 2 cups of coffee is simply not an option.

No if we separated I might literally die, I can’t even imagine.

hence why I’m trying everything this time to be better

I think you imagine that 2 cups of coffee will make you anxious so it automatically happens . Drink Decaff!

@togo1004 when you slapped him in the face, what did you feel? Apart from upset that you had hurt your hand?

Do you have plans on how to make today better?

What suggestions has this therapist had that might help you today?

Also he only ask me that I'm loyal, respectful and bring him peace and feed him.

You're not respectful though, he can't even have a shower without you pecking at him. From what you've said you certainly don't bring him peace. And you've said he does the majority of the cooking.

If this relationship works out I will also give him children

'give him children'?? They're a joint venture you know!
And please, please don't even consider this until you're way more balanced than you seem to be now.
Please.

I think this is all bollocks, just like the previous thread.

You are really unwell but that’s not an excuse for your abusive behaviour. You need to not be in a relationship until you work on getting yourself better, and that’s a long road for you I’m afraid.

No if we separated I might literally die

No, you really wouldn’t.

if this relationship works out I will also give him children

Please don’t.

You're making me feel harangued just describing what happened. Your therapist is right. Your behaviour is not reasonable. Of course he's being defensive - I would be defensive if you were treating me like that. It's nothing to do with you what he's doing in the shower. Do both of you a favour and let him go. You need to work on yourself more.

Let me guess: you've threatened to kill yourself if he breaks up with you?

We haven’t gotten into that yet, I have my next session in 3 days.

i only met her once and I texted her the night we had a huge fight.

we will also do couples counseling in 2 weeks

You can't have couples counselling when one of you is abusive, OP. And if the therapist actually calls you out I wonder how long you'll last at it.

Oh bless him.

Poor bloke working to support his wider family as well as OP. Can't even have a shower without the thought police barging in. The fact that he's still upright and sane is a miracle.

If I was him and you listened when I was showering, you'd probably just hear faint sobbing.

When did you last bring him peace? He cant even have a shower in peace. And give him children- on the last thread you had a really unhealthy idea of even the possibility of coming second to a child, or sharing his attentions- you are nowhere near the right headspace to cope with that.

iIf you give ANY shits about him, do him a favour and walk away

You haven't met her, it's online therapy. In your previous deleted thread you said you'd leave if he ever put your children above you, do not bring children into this farce, you will not die if he leaves, you might threaten to, do you ever think that your obsessive , self absorbed and paranoid behaviour is driving everyone from you. The answers you get here are the same as you got before, have you made an appointment with your doctor to get a mental health assessment.

You are the problem here. He pays for you, does more than his share of the housework, takes you on dates to restaurants you specifically say you like and you occasionally make him dinner and peck his head for chatting to himself in the shower. You haven't listened to any of the comments here so you won't listen to mine either but I am gobsmacked by your lack of awareness of how much this is your fault.

This.

Although the OP is completely in denial and clearly believes that she is the one who is hard done to.

@togo1004 You are a manipulator and an abuser OP. You lack any sort of self awareness. You don't need a bit of online therapy to sort you out, you need proper help. I will say it again: go home to Russia where you at least have your parents. Get serious, proper psychiatric help and probably medication and once you are more balanced then try to have a relationship.

@togo1004 - you explained your childhood in your other thread; your drug-addicted mother and your absent father. You are very deeply wounded. You make everything about you because nothing was about you when you were young and there were no healthy boundaries, just chaos.

You’re not currently in a position to have a healthy relationship.

I agree with a PP: I suspect you have a diagnosable personality disorder which needs specific treatment (possibly including medication) and management in order to get you to a heathy place. You probably need a psychiatrist rather than a therapist to achieve this. Are you able to access this?