Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

but i also want him to share his feelings with me.

Even if they are negative in your eyes? It won’t do any good spouting platitudes at each other - you keep mentioning thanking each other - if there are difficult issues which need to be addressed. You seem to want your b/f to constantly reassure you that everything is ok. But it doesn’t sound to me as though it is, and it’s important that you both have the insight to recognise that, and properly discuss the parts you play in what is a dysfunctional relationship, before you can make any real attempt to move forward.

You really truly are awful, not contributing to shared living, knowing he is then spending all his money, but you're OK so yay.

This poor man.

Supporting multiple people including his abuser.

Yes OP what would your reaction be if he said the words this poster has shared?

Be honest, how would you react?

What do you bring to the relationship OP? Cos all I’m reading is what you need and how he needs to support you emotionally and financially. Quite honestly, you’re coming across as completely self centred, lacking in self reflection. Ever taken a step back and wondered why your friends have stepped back?

You can't really ask him to address your feelings , he's not a professional , plus there doesn't seem to have been a problem with perfectly ordinary things but then you make it a problem . That's probably why he shuts off , it's too much for him.

Going out for a meal as a date sounds nice, why does it have to include a walk afterwards ? Sometimes may be nice but not the time when he said he's having trouble breathing , which you interpreted as laziness . Unbelievable.

I don't actually think she's capable of empathy.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5353871-i-dont-feel-appreciated-by-my-fiance?page=1

So when you think he is taking about you, can you pause and think this is a me problem not a him problem, he is an adult , if he has an issue he can tell me.

are you from a household in childhood where you had to be aware of others moods as people couldn’t manage their own emotions?

it things are a trigger for us that’s not the other persons issue . I go into major flight mode if we are in a restaurant and I can hear a couple arguing or can see they are seething at each other and there is an atmosphere, especially when there are children there. It takes me back to my childhood. It would be wrong of me to take it out on my husband it’s not his fault.

Wow

I’m sorry but it still isn’t okay - if you hear strangers speak in a tone that doesn’t please you, what are you going to do? Approach them and butt in on a conversation that isn’t aimed at you?

You need to work with your therapist about not involving people in your anxiety as if they’re responsible to make you feel better. He was in the shower, explained what he was doing and you kept going. Being in the wrong here is squarely on you.

If your anxiety levels are that bad that you need reassurance in the middle of someone else’s shower, I would reconsider if you’re in the frame of mind to be in a relationship right now. I’m also very anxious but you really need to keep yourself in check.

lol oh my god

You must be insanely attractive. I can't see any other reason he would put up with this craziness.

I honestly fear for the future of humanity!

You feel “pressured” because someone is talking to themselves, to the point that you “tremor.” No you’re just nosey and want to be in control.
It is “triggering” for someone to cut you off when you’re talking. No it’s just annoying.
You think you’re developing an eating disorder because your DP offers you fruit instead of ice cream.
Someone coming to your house to change your water filter makes you feel “anxious” because you “have a really hard time dealing with strangers.” Well there are a lot of strangers out there, so you probably need to get used to the fact that they exist.

People need to get a grip and start being a bit more resilient.

Not when her (former) friends in Russia have nothing to do with her, either.

@togo1004 I don’t see how he’s wrong, he was talking to himself in the shower out of your way.

I often talk to myself if I’m practicing something like a speech and I’d be pretty pissed off if my husband took it upon himself to barge in to criticise me and make it all about himself.

Respectfully just let him get on with it xx

If you know you have anxiety and it's worsened by coffee then wouldn't it have been your priority to not drink coffee when a tradesperson was booked to come?

I hear that you feel unsupported by your partner but you are making him responsible for your feelings, emotional responses and triggers. He isn't responsible for these and it sounds like some work on yourself should be the priority so you can communicate more effectively with him. In turn he does need to work on listening and demonstrating understanding of you but it is not his responsibility to micromanage your lives so you never feel anything you don't want to.

Op, you are the problem. I feel sorry for your partner, he's clearly making a lot of effort to accomodate your obvious issues. You need to be single and work on your own mental health before you can be in a healthy relationship, IMO.

Good luck.

Would you be happy without him in your life?

I keep reading the updates and it doesn't get better.
OP you need proper medical, psychiatric help. You sound very unwell.

i cook him dinner from time to time im actually cooking now.

also he only ask me that im loyal, respectful and bring him peace and feed him. He said men are simple.

if this relationship works out I will also give him children

She isn’t. I suspect narcissism or some kind of PD. Every single thing is me, me, me. I understand that a neglected childhood can stunt a person’s emotional growth but that isn’t an excuse to behave so badly and so self-absorbed for the rest of your adult life.

also he only ask me that im loyal, respectful and bring him peace and feed him. He said men are simple.

And you don't do a single one of those things @togo1004

Don't even THINK about children until you are well.

Jesus! That poor guy. OP, get him to come onto Mumsnet so we can advise him to get out of this abusive relationship. I couldn't have lived with this shithousery for more than a week. The guy is a fucking saint.