Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

It’s not that I don’t want him to, I feel bad if he does. The thought of him having fun without me makes me panic.

i don’t know why, but it does. I know it’s very wrong and it’s my priority to fix it. I know deeply it’s very normal, but I feel panic if he leaves me alone and goes have fun.

I have no friends really. I have 1 friend in Russia and she doesn’t respond to me. I’ve met another Russian girl here and she ignores my texts, and recently I met another friend but she’s busy with her life.

I wish I had friends like he does, they all love each other like brothers and I wish I had that too.

This.

Honestly, you need to hear people on here.

You arent mentally well.

Now physically abusive too.

And STILL trying to make out your the 'victim'... you hit him but 'you' where the one hurt, he had to come after you.

Reading your posts really makes me think you have issues that prevent you from being in a normal relationship and if you love your partner you should step back from him. Not make him your ‘therapist at home’.

If we look at this from a different angle, right or wrong, your partner doesn’t make you feel heard, validated, makes you feel on edge etc - he isn’t the right man for you.

You guys are not even married, your relationship shouldn’t be this hard. Let him go and work on yourself.

Oh and find a new therapist - the dynamic is totally inappropriate.

And then you went into the shower and started hassling him when he wasn’t even talking to you and wouldn’t let it drop. You know you don’t need a therapist to tell you the way you behave isn’t normal right? With kindness you really do sound batshit. Learn to leave people alone. The only person pressuring anyone was you.

I think you need more than a therapist. You seem quite narcissistic

He was practising for a podcast and playing Devils advocate thinking up all possible answers and questions. Of course it is going to be negative, that’s the whole point of what he was doing. Trying to pull his arguments apart so he hadn’t missed a gaping hole in his podcast.

The question is why you think this has anything to do with you?

Has everyone got to be happy smiley people only talking about nice things around you so you don’t get anxious

Why can’t you mind your own business.

Are you able to split up with him or do you have to stay with him as he is supporting you?

You seem to need some disturbance in your life constantly- did you have a shitty abusive childhood - your behaviour is not normal - you are looking for problems for some reason? You need to get to the bottom of this - it maybe routed in childhood dysfunction.

You don't need a counsellor, you need a Psychiatrist. That overthinking getting out of control and spiralling as you mentioned, are traits of serious Mental health disorders. The fact that you also think that he's talking about you when he's talking to himself is a trait of a serious mental health disorder.

I know people with Schizophrenia, Bipolar, Personality Disorders that when they have episodes have those same traits. But with the right medicine and following treatment they have healthy romantic relationships without the toxic behaviour that you are displaying.

You really need help, your problems are way beyond a counsellor or a Psychologist.

Yep, agree with this. You're being abusive here.

I admit that did occur to me.

I can always move to my parents. So that’s not an issue.

but I love him, I feel really bad for my behavior and I’m also trying

he told me last time that it’s in my approach. He said that I’m very accusatory. He said instead of “you’re being negative” I could have said “I don’t know what you’re talking about in the shower but I can hear you and it sounded very intense is everything ok?”

Yep, I agree with him completely here. Keep saying "but it sounded really negative". "But it sounded really negative" like a broken record doesn't even explain what the problem is. People are allowed to think negative thoughts to themselves when they're on their own in their own reverie. You didn't even explain to him what the problem was. And if you just keep repeating the same phrase over and over, you're not going to get a helpful response, because it's clear that the other person doesn't understand what you're getting at so can't answer your question to your satisfaction. "But you're being negative" - so bloody what??! That's allowed, why is it your problem and what has it got to do with you?

So first off, communication is a problem here for you. And yes, it is enraging when someone cuts you off, but at the same time I can see why he would get frustrated and do that if you often communicate with him in such a frustrating, vague, non-communicative way.

And the fact you even assume any negative thoughts of his relate to you, or are any of your business, is something you need to work on with your therapist. Or even a clinical psychiatrist, if it starts edging into the realms of paranoia.

You know who isn’t fazed when slapped by their partner? Someone who is used to being abused. You said he wasn’t fazed as if that makes it sound better. It does the opposite.

OP, go home. Honestly, go home to Russia where you can communicate more easily; get help with your anxiety issues and make yourself whole again. You can't force a relationship to work however much you want it to. Cycling back over and over your own problems is clearly not helping you at all, and you sound so alone out there. Which, given your behaviour, is probably not surprising - do you have issues with your friends socialising without you too?

Your inability to form these close relationships is because of your behaviour. You are clearly not well and some online therapy is not going to fix this.

You love him but this relationships is hugely abusive. You are not going to wake up one day and it's all fine.

You should move back to your parents' and get some proper help.

Have you ever been diagnosed with a personality disorder? Like histrionic? Your behaviour is so abnormal that there must be something going on.

he told me last time that it’s in my approach. He said that I’m very accusatory. He said instead of “you’re being negative” I could have said “I don’t know what you’re talking about in the shower but I can hear you and it sounded very intense is everything ok?”

Exactly. You expect him to be utterly kind and validating about every single one of your (often unreasonable) feelings, and yet you don't seem to have any respect or care for his feelings whatsoever.

Good god don’t move to your parents. You’ll be interrogating them every time they fart.

I don’t know, it sounds like you expect him to do all the listening, you want your feelings validated, you feel entitled to make everything about you, even when you’re wrong and expect him to just take it. Of course he gets defensive. You sound like you’re gaslighting him - you started a fight with him, then when he got upset and defensive you recorded it to send to your therapist so that you had a stick to beat him with. Sounds like your therapist is enabling some pretty abusive behaviour from you

Blimey! I’ve read all your comments @OP and all I can say is you are hard work!

Your Fiancé deserves a medal and if he were my son/brother I’d be so worried about him and his mental health with you constantly going on at him and restricting his friends contact. The poor bloke. 🥹

As you’re so keen to share feelings/record conversations etc have you shown him this thread?

Why does he get so defensive?
Because you're badgering him. You keep pushing for a different answer. You're telling him you don't believe him.
If you want to tell him how you feel, in the middle of an argument that you created is not the best time.
But a relationship shouldn't be this hard.

No but my best friend of 15 years abandoned me last year. She never gave me a reason just one day told me that she no longer wants anything to do with me.

i tried to make friends here, the guys i met all tried to have sex with me and girls just ghost me after one or two times hanging out.

i have 1 friend left in Russia and she also rarely responds to me.

so my fiancé and his friends are always trying to find new friends for me as i really need some. I even tried to goto meet ups to make friends and it just falls apart.

i have no idea why either..

In order to have friends you have to be a friend to yourself first and get over the fact that people are going to have negative and positive feelings and have their own problems
that they can discuss with you. Going out with friends might seem like a laugh a minute and it can be but at some point someone might have a problem they want to discuss with you but if you always make things about yourself then the relationship is one sided

I just don’t think you could cope with what having a friend means. If everything is about how things make you feel.

You do need to leave him immediately and return to your parents and get psychiatric help. I do believe you have serious mental health issues. You are extremely abusive to him and you can’t see it. It’s all about you and your wants and needs. You divorced your previous husband as he wasn’t ambitious enough for you?

My husband is a kind lovely man and works full time or did before we agreed he would take early retirement to paint and write and do something for him. I want him to be happy not climb to the top of the rat heap in the race of life.