Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

What about HIS right to be heard? For YOU to hear HIM out? And not be grilled endlessly because he didn't give the answer you wanted him to? This all seems very one sided about what YOU think should be happening and how it should happen.

"And at that point he can answer and after that it’s My job to accept his answer and move on instead of keep driling."
Actually, yes, if he has answered you, then you have to accept what he is saying. He is entitled to his feelings, even if you don't agree with them and even if he hasn't given you the result you wanted. And yes, you DO need to move on and stop drilling!!

This is an extreme form of paranoia!

You're "therapist" should not be telling you to record any kind of conversation, this is inappropriate and invasive. Even more so unethical!!

You're feeding a narrative that just is not there. Analysing every micro scope of your life AND your partners.

You made your partners practice session all about you, when it has absolutely nothing to do with you.. regardless if he is talking negatively or not, that's his business/choice not yours.

Change your therapist. And actually look deeper into yourself because youyr too focused on others and your external world which is allowing you to avoid yourself and your inner feelings/behavior.

It sounds to me as if he’s sick of ‘hearing you out’. You can’t manage your own emotions and have delegated them to him. it’s not his job to resolve your own inability to self-regulate.

It’s not working for either of you. Time to call time on this relationship and work on your own issues.

Why do you want to live like this? It sounds exhausting and a waste of 2 lives.

Leave him alone. He's in the shower. You checked on him and he explained he was practising a speech. That should have been enough of an answer. continuing to tell him he sounds negative is really goading. You couldn't hear the content and the shower was on, so your perception is very unreliable. Leave him to shower and rehearse in peace and don't dogmatically insist on crriticising him without basis.

This reads like a Woody Allen film.

This is one of the maddest things I've read. Just stop.

Your poor, poor partner.

What am I reading here. You need to split up its not healthy, and you need to work on your neurosis.

The water filter situation reads as though you are in the wrong even when told from your perspective. It’s your problem for you to address. If I was your partner I wouldn’t make it my priority to deal with it because I’d worry by enabling you not to address it, it would just continue to spiral and more and more things would become my priority not yours.

I slapped him once in a heat of argument but I hurt myself from that. He wasn’t even fazed. He attended to make sure I was ok and I apologized immediately and felt so embarrassed.

never again happened

OP, it sounds like you need therapy to work through whatever major trauma has made you feel like this. It’s not normal to be paranoid and make every single scenario about you and how your needs have not been centred. It’s exhausting being with someone like this but it’s also an awful way to exist. I hope you can get the help you need x

@togo1004: We have a lot of fun together. It’s just every few days there’s arguments. He claims that he has no idea what’s happening but I do. It’s because I’m not being heard and that I cannot communicate my feelings to him when I need to.
So every few days you blow up at him because he has done something you perceive is wrong and you cause a huge row.

i just need him to hear me out. He’s the one who told me that if I’m ever unhappy about something I should go speak to him.
But why does he need to hear you out every few days. I have been with DP for a decade. There are loads of times when he annoys me without even trying and I'll roll my eyes and have a furious little internal rant and then get over it because not every feeling is actually important. I imagine he does the same. If we had to sit down for TWO DAYS out of every WEEK to spend an hour discussing every feeling I think I would go absolutely mad. It is insane he has had to do this to placate you, and we all know that it's not going to be enough for you.

he told me last time that it’s in my approach. He said that I’m very accusatory. He said instead of “you’re being negative” I could have said “I don’t know what you’re talking about in the shower but I can hear you and it sounded very intense is everything ok?” And at that point he can answer and after that it’s My job to accept his answer and move on instead of keep driling.
He told you last time and you still do it this time. You sound paranoid and delusional and he cannot win. He's in another room and you have your ear to the door in case you're able to start in on him and to check up on him. That's abuse. You then went in on him and when he didn't answer in the way you liked you went on and on, and because he didn't listen to you for a third time he is now in the wrong for cutting you off. You cut him off repeatedly in that transcript, why is that allowed?

i understood. My therapist said the same the only thing she added was that he shouldn’t cut me off like that and atleast hear me out.
He heard you out. Your therapist is either really bad and validating you to keep you coming back or you're not listening to them either.

Seriously you need to follow your therapists advice and let stuff go. If you can’t sort out your emotional regulation you will burn out yourself and your partner. Also policing how someone speaks to themselves is very controlling and is never going to be the basis of a sustainable relationship. Collectively your behaviour sounds abusive. I’m confident if your partner made a post describing this behaviour he’d be told to run for the hills. If you want to salvage this it’s really you that needs to make changes and manage your anxiety. You can’t make that your partners job.

And so now we add financial abuse to the mix... poor sod that he is.
How would you live and support yourself without him.
You make it sound like you're going to be so generous contributing to your own living costs, at some point... when you decide to... @togo1004

Ffs. Leave him. Leave him and go and get some proper psychiatric help.

I am saying this in kindness OP you are completely in the wrong here.

I have been married for 30 years and I certainly do not understand your behaviour!

Your other half was having a shower, why you felt it necessary to record him is insane and the subsequent conversation you had is just ridiculous. What he was doing in the shower had absolutely NOTHING to do with you!

Thats an invasion of his privacy.

Are you sure you are seeing a qualified therapist? As your other half did nothing wrong here.

The only person at fault here is you.

From this situation alone you should not be in a relationship.

This shower incident should not have even happened but the fact it did and was instigated by you tells me you need to take a real hard look at yourself and your behaviours.

As a couple you will go through tough times as any normal couple does but going by your actions alone and what you did you could not work through a serious issue.

As I read your post initially I couldn’t understand why you wouldn’t be saying to your other half why don’t you use me as a sounding board for your podcast instead of making it all about yourself.

Pls do some reflection here OP.

Yes you should hear each other out, but he was talking to himself and you had no right to challenge him in what he thought was a private conversation.
You really do need to work on your own insecurities before you think about trying to make a relationship work, poor chap...

Thought so. At this point OP you have been undeniably (even if we only go by your very biased side, without his side of things) emotionally, financially and physically abusive.

What’s your reasoning for not wanting him to see his own friends without you? Genuinely, what’s your justification for that?

I think it's more important that the fiance gets help to escape her.

Your behaviour is incredibly unhealthy - it’s not his responsibility to validate you behaving that way.

I said this on your last thread OP, and I’ll say it again. You are extremely unwell and you need psychiatric help immediately. You don’t have to feel this way every day for the rest of your life, you can get help and be happy. Your behaviour is abusive, whether you intend it to be or not, you are abusing this man. Stop it and get help, now.

I just told my husband of almost 30 years that the next time he rolls his eyes at a YouTube video, be prepared, as we will be having a HUGE discussion about his aggressive behavior and how it makes me feel. I won’t share his answer. 😂

He's spot on with this.

I'm sure I'm not the only one thinking the OP must be very, very beautiful.

Oh my goodness!! YOU hit him and it's still all about you being the victim and being hurt!? You are foul. Leave the poor man, do him a favour!