Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

OP, why are you ignoring all the posts that suggest you split up as this relationship is so unhealthy and unhappy.

I'd guess he's a nice guy who would worry about her being in a country where she doesn't speak the language fluently, and has no money. If I were him I'd buy OP a flight home and put her on it, but he may be too ground down to have any agency any more.

I give speeches on a regular basis and if my DH spoke to me the way you spoke to your DH I’d be giving him his marching orders. How he sounds and what he talks about when practicing is absolutely none of your business. You gave your opinion, which is fine, and then wouldn’t let it go. Almost like you just wanted him to agree with you. You kept badgering and badgering him. No wonder he cut you off, I’d have done the same.

MN please do not remove me, but this cannot be real can it? Can it?? Who behaves like this??

You put your ear to the door to hear? This is ridiculous, how would you feel if he was listening to you in the shower with his ear to the door and then complaining about what you were saying to yourself? Utter madness.

Absolutely think you should leave him in peace to have his shower - it sounds like you were just wanting to start an argument and I'm sure that's absolutely infuriating for him. It's good you're in therapy but I do think it sounds like this is about you and how you react to things... I'm sure if you do, and make this not about him, you'll make a massive difference to your happiness and relationship.

A good therapist will never takes sides in relationship counseling- won’t say: you were right, he’s toxic.

Because we are trying for the last time. That night we had a fight about shower it spiraled out of control into a fight until 6am and we agreed to try one more time.

This all sounds very intense. The way you talk about your relationship makes it seem heavy and lacking in joy or any fun.

You describe a situation where you are both feeling pressure and both very focused on your own experiences rather than empathising with the other. That is not a great place to start a conversation from.

How can you take the pressure off? What do you like to do together? Get out of the house, go for a walk/a coffee/ cinema/whatever, so you can get used to just being together without any big talks. That would be my advice.

He is not responsible for your anxiety. You need to take accountability here and learn strategies to understand and manage this. By forcing him to constantly reassure you about the minutiae of things you are anxious about, he is actually enabling your anxiety and behaviour - it’s a vicious cycle. Any good therapist would be able to identify this. He is not responsible for your feelings and you need a better therapist.

I don’t always but in the back of my mind I think sometimes he’s talking about me.

This is paranoid delusional thinking.

I talk to myself constantly, have arguments, have debates, with myself, with characters I've made up... much of it isn't real, it's just fun for my brain. A lot of people do it. Badgering someone over their own private thoughts is next-level intrusive. Your therapist is right, the poor bloke can't even relax and have his own thoughts in his own home. I really think you need the therapy.

Cos if she takes our advice
she would have no where to live and be broke

no sane person would ever ever put up with this shit

I think you need to grow up and stop being so self absorbed. You don't seem to realise not everything is about you. He is entitled to practice HIS speech whilst having a private shower without you thinking it's about you or picking a fight. If this was my friend in a relationship with someone like you i would tell them to get out of it quick. It almost comes across as you are trying to control him. Quite honestly you sound like a nightmare to live with. I do have the misfortune of knowing someone who is as entitled and self obsessed as you are and she is an absolute nightmare to be around but just can't see past herself and her "anxieties (which only come out when they suit her).

OP, that last time has been and gone. There is no point in 'trying' any more. Go home to Russia and get yourself some help for your issues. I'm sure being so far from home isn't helping you at all, and this poor man needs some peace.

Either you have a very very high opinion of yourself in that everything your partner says or do is about you and it can’t possibly be about anything else

or your an nasty abusive person with severe mental health issues

It’s not either or.

I was initially about to say LTB, but after reading the post I think he should leave you. Why on earth shouldn't he practice for his podcast? Why shouldn't he have some privacy in the shower?

So now he’s slowly demanding I pay for portion of the bills and split chores down the middle. Which I agree as soon as my debt is paid off.

So you put nothing into the household either?

Your debts are not his problem, so on top of emotional abuse you are financially riding him too... fucking hell.

Also 'his best friends were my best friends, and my best friends were his best friends.'... where are these 'friends' now?

Inserting yourself so he cannot have friends/relationship without you is also abuse. I'm sorry but I do not believe you have a host of friends that will put up with these behaviors, its mind blowing anyone is and its really not a surprise you are divorced.

No man can win no matter what they do, you are a user and abuser.

We have a lot of fun together. It’s just every few days there’s arguments. He claims that he has no idea what’s happening but I do. It’s because I’m not being heard and that I cannot communicate my feelings to him when I need to.

i just need him to hear me out. He’s the one who told me that if I’m ever unhappy about something I should go speak to him.

he told me last time that it’s in my approach. He said that I’m very accusatory. He said instead of “you’re being negative” I could have said “I don’t know what you’re talking about in the shower but I can hear you and it sounded very intense is everything ok?” And at that point he can answer and after that it’s My job to accept his answer and move on instead of keep driling.

i understood. My therapist said the same the only thing she added was that he shouldn’t cut me off like that and atleast hear me out.

@togo1004 reference to your post of 06.23 how can you say you never get to talk about how you feel? You do nothing but talk about how you feel and your poor bf is getting exhausted and ill because of it. I notice you don’t actually care if he’s unwell? Unless it impacts you and then you care (but about yourself, not him).

So why don’t you do that? Reframe how you say things to him. Or is the only thing you're taking away from that is that he cuts you off (probably because he’s tired of listening to same old me me me whining).

I will next time. English isn’t my first language, I’m a much better writer than I am speaker.

You don’t seem to have any trouble speaking to him when the focus is on you and your ‘feelings’.

Be honest OP, have you ever put your hands on him at all in anger?

This is interesting- your previous partner never went anywhere without you, really? OP i have never known someone so invested in every single feeling and conversation, having to pick apart every sentence they say, having someone press their ear to the door while they're in the shower? This is literal insanity, please set the poor bloke free, and work on yourself. From the ground up.

I read the last thread which was bad enough but on this one you have sabotaged him having a shower, blamed him for you having an eating disorder, you can't even agree that going out for a meal is a date, moaned that he cuts you off, and it hasn't occurred to you to track your cycle and see what effect that is having (google PMDD I would be interested to see your thoughts).
Not to mention that you don't seem to be getting any treatment for this anxiety that is ruling your life?