Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

1000 replies

togo1004 · 22/07/2025 05:49

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
pinkdelight · 22/07/2025 09:10

TipsyFairyHic · 22/07/2025 08:51

Where does it say Asia?

Show quote history

In her post at 7:29. I’m in Asia I won’t specifically say exactly where but they don’t speak English here that well or Russian.

TimeForABreak4 · 22/07/2025 09:11

I really hope this isn't real because I'm absolutely shocked at how abusive you are.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 22/07/2025 09:12

I can’t get past the fact that you had your ear against the door trying to hear what he was saying when he was in the shower. Presumably you thought he was having a private phone conversation and you wanted to know what he was saying.

I’m surprised he hasn’t left you.

Dodeedoo · 22/07/2025 09:12

Sounds like you are in the wrong ffs

cloudyblueglass · 22/07/2025 09:13

togo1004 · 22/07/2025 07:57

Because he often asks me to stop being negative. He says that I complain so much about work, my boss, about how tired I am that he doesn’t want to hear it. He says that me complaint a lot has a negative impact on his life because he believes that perception in life is a choice (I disagree).

so if I hear something negative I feel he’s being a hypocrit

Show quote history

But you previously said you approached him because his tone was making you feel pressured.

Now you’re saying bevause you wanted to point out what you think is hypocrisy.

which is it?

TimeForABreak4 · 22/07/2025 09:14

What is your relationship like with your partners family op?

Jaggy1 · 22/07/2025 09:17

I think you should be single and work on yourself with your therapist for a while.

PestoHoliday · 22/07/2025 09:17

Break up for the good of you both.

You should not be in a relationship until you’ve resolved some of your issues. Get yourself mentally healthy and financially stable. Take responsibility for yourself.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/07/2025 09:18

SpinachSpinachMoreSpinach · 22/07/2025 05:51

Totally agree with your therapist

Me too!
He was in the middle of doing something and you distracted him really anxiously and made it all about you when he wanted some peace

But equally, him doing this kind of role
Play freaks you out so he should do it not within
Ear shot of you. He needs to learn to ask for privacy when he needs it and you need to respect that.

Lulubo1 · 22/07/2025 09:18

I don't think you are ready to be in a relationship with anyone. You clearly have some issues you need to work on.

wheresmymojo · 22/07/2025 09:19

You have some significant emotional issues OP which mean that you are absolutely not capable of having a good relationship right now.

The good news is that this can all be resolved. The bad news is that you need to let this poor man go and work on yourself for a few years.

Nothing about the situation in this thread, or the water filter thread, is ‘normal’ behaviour. I don’t say that to shame you, I’ve had to spend ten years working through my own stuff.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/07/2025 09:19

BlackCoffeeAndSugar · 22/07/2025 05:59

Leave him alone! You are interrupting him on something that had nothing to do with you and making it all about you. Even when he explained what he was doing.

Of all the toxic men posts I see on here this isn't an example of one. He's by himself in a private space practicing for a podcast. Some people like to work through all the negative thoughts so they can process their possible response.

Do you always listen to him when he's in the bathroom?!!

I agree, it's kind of like reading his private journal and then getting upset and confronting him about what he's written in it and being even more upset that he's not empathizing with you he's just defending himself and his right to privacy

TaborlinTheGreat · 22/07/2025 09:20

I think the term 'narcissist' is very much overused these days, but in your case it fits, OP. I have rarely read such a load of crazy self-centered nonsense. Why your fiancé is still with you, god alone knows. You are wrong about absolutely everything to do with your relationship (and wrong about what should reasonably be expected grom a partner in a relationship).
There was no point in you starting another thread. Nobody is going to agree with you. Everyone is going to say you should split up with him (for both your sakes, but mostly his).

FlyingUnicornWings · 22/07/2025 09:21

BlackCoffeeAndSugar · 22/07/2025 06:08

"I don’t always but in the back of my mind I think sometimes he’s talking about me."

In therapy you need to address THAT and why YOU feel like that. Not try and change him.

I agree with this. You need to look at why this has triggered you. What is it about him being “negative” that sets you off?

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong, sorry OP.

Original poster
togo1004 · 22/07/2025 09:21

PopeJoan2 · 22/07/2025 09:06

When he suggested you record the arguments are you sure that he meant this literally? I used to have very toxic arguments with someone and would regularly wish out loud that we could record the crazy arguments as proof of how crazy they were.

Yes he meant literally. Because he says that I constantly put words in his mouth. He said it was up to me to share it with my therapist as well.

OP posts:
MissMoneyFairy · 22/07/2025 09:23

TipsyFairyHic · 22/07/2025 08:39

Your therapist sounds unethical.

It is not acceptable behaviour to record private conversations and share them with a therapist.

They should have told you that.

Are they a BACP counsellor?

No, it's an online therapist who speaks Russian, op needs psychiatric help, not this but this was all talked about endlessly in the last thread that got deleted, nothing has changed and the responses will all be the same.,

BunnyLake · 22/07/2025 09:23

IGuessIllbetheFirst · 22/07/2025 09:03

This is an interesting thread because you remind me of my mother OP (who is old but never learned to take responsibility for herself).

It is not possible to have a discussion with her even over small things e.g. shall we meet for lunch today or tomorrow, as it quickly descends into what I have or haven’t done, tears and recriminations, silent treatment and me agreeing to whatever she wants to keep the peace until I have done my duty and can get away from her. Reading your posts OP gives me more insight into how emotionally limited my DM is.

You are getting harsh feedback here OP but you sound a lot younger than my DM, so you have an opportunity to change, by really looking into where this abusive behaviour is coming from and spending time alone getting to know yourself and taking responsibilty for what is going on in your mind and your actions. I hope you can do that with a proper therapist (not one who agrees with what you saying and supports your abusive behaviour). Take this opportunity, you would be happier if you did and you would have much better relationships.

I don’t think OP really wants to change. What she really wants is for her bf to comply with her every need and want, and for his every response to be fully approved by OP. I don’t think she’s interested in self growth. All her (many) threads are pretty much identical.

insomniaclife · 22/07/2025 09:23

I’m wondering what is stopping him kicking the OP out of his house and life.

McSpoot · 22/07/2025 09:23

togo1004 · 22/07/2025 07:57

Because he often asks me to stop being negative. He says that I complain so much about work, my boss, about how tired I am that he doesn’t want to hear it. He says that me complaint a lot has a negative impact on his life because he believes that perception in life is a choice (I disagree).

so if I hear something negative I feel he’s being a hypocrit

Show quote history

You complain to him. He complained to himself where you couldn't hear him (without being a creepy stalker). Do you really not see the difference and that there is no hypocrisy (on his part - you are the walking definition of hypocrisy).

WonderingWanda · 22/07/2025 09:23

You barged into the bathroom while he was taking a shower because you could hear him talking to himself and being negative.....and you think he was the one in the wrong? Fuck me, I would've been a lot less polite to you and our relationship would be over for you not respecting my privacy.

Your fiance did absolutely nothing wrong in this scenario. If he wants to stand in the shower talking to himself this is his business. If he is slightly negative it is his right and this is not about you!!! I disagree with the therapist that your partner should've indulged you by hearing how you feel. I could get on board if the negative talk was to you or with you but this is about you trying to police his private thoughts. If you don't like hearing it then put some music on and stop earwigging through the door.

NeedANapAgain · 22/07/2025 09:24

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/07/2025 09:18

Me too!
He was in the middle of doing something and you distracted him really anxiously and made it all about you when he wanted some peace

But equally, him doing this kind of role
Play freaks you out so he should do it not within
Ear shot of you. He needs to learn to ask for privacy when he needs it and you need to respect that.

Show quote history

How much more privacy should he ask for, he was in the bloody shower. 😂

Original poster
togo1004 · 22/07/2025 09:24

We’re cool but not super close. They are nice people, he’s extremely close with his mom and grandmother.

he visits his grand mother often to take her out for walks and read books with her

OP posts:
MissMoneyFairy · 22/07/2025 09:25

togo1004 · 22/07/2025 09:21

Yes he meant literally. Because he says that I constantly put words in his mouth. He said it was up to me to share it with my therapist as well.

Show quote history

Saying it was up to you doesn't mean he was happy, have you thought about seeking psychiatric help like we all suggested last time rather than just an online therapist.

MischiefandMayhemManaged · 22/07/2025 09:25

togo1004 · 22/07/2025 06:06

Because he has one bad ear from being a musician when he was young so he’s not as quiet as he thinks he is. It was enough to hear tone when I put my ear to the bathroom door but whisper enough where I can’t make out what he’s saying.

Show quote history

You put your ear to the bathroom door?????? I'm sorry but your behaviour is abusive. You aren't letting him have privacy, you are acusing him of talking about you behind your back, recording your conversations?

If this was reversed and you were the one in the shower being listened to, recorded, and accused, we would be telling you to run away as your partner is abusive.

YOU are being abusive to your partner, you really need much more intensive therapy, and you need to leave. Let the poor man alone, and move out. you clearly aren't suited for one another and you are making his live hell.

Learn to live by yourself, and work on your mental health.

cryinglaughing · 22/07/2025 09:25

I think you need to be single.

You seem quite a complicated character, not at all easy to live with. It appears you need to do a lot of work on yourself to be able to hold down a relationship.

Don't drag him down with you, walk away.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.