DP is this over

[Lex25]

Been with partner 20 plus years. It’s been mostly fine. Happy much of time. But only if things are going his way.
As the kids have got older he’s struggled with them having own opinions and not being as easy to convince to behave a certain way.
Things got really bad 3 years ago and I said unless there was change then I had to leave. He signed up to therapy and for the most part things have been much better.
he was signed off by his therapist as he thinks he’s doing so much better and to be fair he was. But recently things have kicked off again, he had a huge row with youngest who has moved in with his Grandma and he’s furious with me as he thinks it’s my fault. He has just had a row with the middle one who is livid and left home saying she never wants to see him again ( she will but she’s furious) he blames me for all this as I’m not agreeing with him telling them they are awful, she was rude to him but he was shouting at her. The oldest one is away and has missed all this.
I really don’t see a way forward. He was amazing qualities, he’s very fun he works so hard he does housework etc etc but when thinks don’t go his way he’s a nightmare. Part of me thinks that is f he goes back to therapy then we can make it work but the other half of me is just done with it. I’m not even stressed tbh I’m just tired of it.
I dint want to leave now though because I don’t want him to blame the children as I’m pretty sure that’s what will happen or the kids will blame themselves and it’s not to do with them. They’ll all be left home in a few months anyhow.

I should add he has ADHD but I do think he needs a ASD also. He literallly can only see things from the perspective he has chosen.

It's over, it's toxic and nobody is winning

Don’t know what to say but I think you need a big hug. Though I know that’s not the done thing.

Sounds like an awful time OP.
Did youngest move in with grandma to get away from him?
Will the middle one also leave?

Are you done with him? If so, start looking into what separating will look like. Speak with a solicitor.

If not, sounds like he needs an ultimatum to get back into therapy. You may find your children all leave and don’t come to see you very often if this doesn’t get sorted out.

youngest left because of him but he thinks it’s my bad parenting that I’ve let youngest do what they want as I want to be the good guy. Youngest wants to come home but how can they as it will just all kick off again and they say they don’t feel safe at home and I get it as neither do I. Well safe is wrong word- calm maybe or peaceful.
Middle one lives away from home anyhow so it’s not so noticeable.
it’s this awful feeling where I love him and when he’s lovely he’s sooooo lovely but he becomes so disregulated he can’t be calmed. On a recent holiday I spent the whole time trying to get everyone to do what he wanted to stop him blowing up. One night we didn’t want to eat where he wanted and he stormed off. He called me so I have to be emotional punch bag where can vent until he’s calmed down. I can’t deal with descalating him constantly!

If you have got to the point where you are simply tired of this, and not stressed by it all, I would argue the relationship has blown it's course and it's time for a radical re-think. It must be exhausting trying to not just keep the peace, but persuade the family to do stuff they don't want.

Your kids will have seen you trying to keep things together their entire lives so they will understand it's not their fault if you step away now. You don't have to make a snap decision; you can carefully plan, 'get your ducks in a row' and then tell him it's over, when you are ready.

It seems that you (very literally and quickly) need to choose between him and your children.

I know. It’s a mess. I’ve smoothed over every row for 20 years to stop him betting angry and it’s a mess of my own creation tbh.

I was in a relationship for just 2 years with a man who was utterly convinced of things he’d dreamt up and even when the evidence was right there in front of him would still stick by his own personal alternate opinion where I had always done something wrong.

In the interim periods he was fun, spontaneous and absolutely gorgeous. I left him though as the amount of egg shell walking and being made to feel like crap because of his way of interpreting what I said or didn’t say was just exhausting. How you’ve managed for so long I don’t know but it’s a real shame if your retirement is going to be full of this also. I could never. I wish you luck OP.

I know. I wonder myself. But when he’s not angry he’s lovely. He had a really shitty uprbrining and a horrible family and I feel bad for him.

Felt*

From your OP we could argue your kids aren't having a great time either - walking on egg shells, being shouted at, etc and you're certainly not enjoying the relationship and it's already badly effecting the relationship you have with your kids. Why continue to perpetuate the cycle ?

He's had therapy, improved so has some insight and now he's slipped back so badly 2 of his kids will not see him anymore and if you stay with him, they won't see you either. Is this what you want ? Look I'm not saying every relationship should be a bed of roses 100% of the time - there will be good times and the not so good. But that's not what you have described.

It really does come down as crochet says to choosing between your kids and your husband. It's not a great situation to find yourself in after 20 years with him, but needs must

It's basically quite simple: Who do you want in your life long term, him or your kids? Because if you stay with him, you will lose that relationship with your kids, and he honestly isn't worth that.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Many people do not have ideal childhoods.
Having a crap upbringing is no excuse or justification for his abusive behaviour towards you and the children. You have tried to appease this man at great emotional cost to you all.

Is he formally diagnosed with ADHD?. Again this is no excuse for his actions towards you all. Put your kids now front and centre, not him.

I know. You are all right. It’s just so sad.
luckily my family live close by and I can move in there with the youngest.
we aren’t married so not entitled to any finances but at end of day I suppose people who have lived in rented all lives end up in same situation.

Are you in rented accommodation? I would think after 20 years you’d be entitled to something but I don’t know what.
He sounds very difficult to live with. Make plans..

Such a shame that you aren’t married.

Do you have any savings of your own?

@MagnoliatheMagnificent no we are not in rented he owns a property ( he actually owns more than one ) but we are not married. He’s probably give me money for a deposit. Inn not sure I haven’t thought that far ahead tbh.
he’s very money orientated. I am not.

@BunnyRuddington no nothing. It’s fine though my family live nearby and I can move in with them. They are fab.

I feel sorry for your kids, having to tiptoe around this man for years on end while you attempt to placate him. You have a choice though, it’s not going to get any better, think it sounds time to call it a day. It must be exhausting.

I’m in spare room and he hasn’t spoken to me since yesterday. He said that he is reactive buy only because he has to be because I’m to weak to sort stuff out. When he was saying this stuff I could kind of understand what he said, I don’t hold boundaries I know this. But I don’t think shouting is ok. I don’t shout at people. Thing is it’s not just me he shouts at loads of people. I’m always anxious when we are out incase someone annoys him.

When all your kids go cos they won’t live with him. Does that mean he will take his frustrations out on you an disagree with your opinions? Or do you tow the line and agree with him for a quiet life.

Your kids can’t continue on this. He won’t change cos he can’t see it.

When he was in therapy it was so much better. He did it weekly and basically managed really well, there was a huge change but since he stopped ( and life carried on, sick parents, grumpy teens etc) it’s got bad again.

op I lived like this too. Something I realised is you have to judge a person based on their worst behaviour, not their best. Thats because their worst behaviour shows their true self. People don’t really change, they can mask it a bit for a while but ultimately the real guy will keep spilling out. Stop making excuses for him, he’s a cunt and he’s making everyone’s life a misery. Protect your children from living like this and get the hell away from him. The blinkers are on now but once you take a step back you’ll see that him making your home inhospitable for two of your children is an absolute deal breaker. Your home shout be where they run to, not from

@teenmaw thats so true. The worst behaviour not best.