DP is this over

[Lex25]

Been with partner 20 plus years. It’s been mostly fine. Happy much of time. But only if things are going his way.
As the kids have got older he’s struggled with them having own opinions and not being as easy to convince to behave a certain way.
Things got really bad 3 years ago and I said unless there was change then I had to leave. He signed up to therapy and for the most part things have been much better.
he was signed off by his therapist as he thinks he’s doing so much better and to be fair he was. But recently things have kicked off again, he had a huge row with youngest who has moved in with his Grandma and he’s furious with me as he thinks it’s my fault. He has just had a row with the middle one who is livid and left home saying she never wants to see him again ( she will but she’s furious) he blames me for all this as I’m not agreeing with him telling them they are awful, she was rude to him but he was shouting at her. The oldest one is away and has missed all this.
I really don’t see a way forward. He was amazing qualities, he’s very fun he works so hard he does housework etc etc but when thinks don’t go his way he’s a nightmare. Part of me thinks that is f he goes back to therapy then we can make it work but the other half of me is just done with it. I’m not even stressed tbh I’m just tired of it.
I dint want to leave now though because I don’t want him to blame the children as I’m pretty sure that’s what will happen or the kids will blame themselves and it’s not to do with them. They’ll all be left home in a few months anyhow.

Never ever choose a man over your children.
He's already driven 2 of them to live elsewhere - you need to put that right before you lose them too.
You can love a person, feel sorry for them etc and still choose not to live with them!
You don't have to cut him off completely if you believe his issues are caused by his adhd/asd, but you (and your children) shouldn't have to live walking on eggshells, giving him all his own way so he doesn't kick off. You know that's not normal or acceptable behaviour.

It will be interesting to see how much financial help he gives you - you've been together years, are the mother of his children. I wouldn't be surprised if he leaves you to it - in your shoes this would certainly affect how much I was willing to maintain contact in the future.

Your life sounds exhausting OP.

This man is going to end up old and alone. Cut your losses now before your kids resent you for staying (if they don't already).

They don’t resent me and we are super super close and I promise I am not choosing him over them. the middle one he is super close to so the fact they have fallen out speaks volumes, the youngest has always been closer to me and the oldest said that he hopes he realises what he’s doing pushing everyone away ( the older one isn’t mine it’s his but I’ve been part of their life since they were ten and are now hitting 30! )

But yes I am exhausted and I don’t even feel anxious or stressed I am just tired. Also I have pets and that worries me.

For now can you, the youngest and your pets go to your mums as she is nearby? A little breathing space and a chance to do some research to check out how you would manage alone financially sounds like a good idea. Also he will get the message from you that enough is enough.
If you don't want to end things completely then there might be a way forward but it's up to him to return to counselling and to change his ways once and for all. It doesn't look good though as he has a history of being very difficult and you and your children really don't want a future walking on egg shells.

I feel so sorry for the kids. I had a horribly shit dad who was a bully. He died ages ago and I don't have one nice story to tell my daughter about him.

Hopefully they aren't too damaged moving forward in future relationships and don't follow the pattern as so many kids do.

You really do need to leave him. He's not suddenly going to change and can you bear to think of what your life would be like living with a dictator in you older years.

It’s not ADHD, ASD or a bad childhood that makes him this way, it’s his personality.
He is a vile, aggressive bully.
To his own children.
He wont change because he doesn’t want to, why would he, when acting this way, gets him what he wants.
Just leave and live a peaceful life without all this awful drama.

My middle one is going to send him a message now with her thoughts. To be fair to him in the two years he was in weekly therapy he hadn’t been like this, he was regulated and calm but since that stopped it’s all slipped back. My youngest said the same.
I’ve been at my family home this afternoon and they have said I can move in any time I like so it’s not a problem there.

@ColinOfficeTrolley my dad was very like my partner, he was an artist who went from drama to drama and was a nightmare to be around. I always thought when I met my partner he wasn’t like my dad yet as time has gone on it’s proved more and more that he is. I loved my dad and by the time he died I had a loving relationship with him but I can see the same happening with my kids, when I was small as my dad could control the situations it was easy but when we became teens it’s when it went bad. I moved out and didn’t speak to him for years.

OP I’m sorry it’s come to this but your children are leaving home due to their fathers behaviour and you are choosing him by not demanding he change or asking to leave.

how can this be sustainable. He is not a child you are not responsible for regulating his behaviour or forcing your children to go along with his demands.

they don’t deserve this.

Unfortunately, someone in the future is going to say of their relationship with your children 'they had a really shitty upbringing with a father that was a twat to them, and I feel bad for them'.

It doesn't sound a nice atmosphere for your kids to be living in - so bad in fact that two of them have decided to vote with their feet.

Leave.

And HE is the cause of your split, not you. This is a mess of his making. He's had therapy, proved he can behave in a civilised and respectful way, and has chosen to stop doing that.

Your children will be delighted for you. And they will find their own relationships with him in the future.

And it will be bliss to be without him, believe me.

I know. You are all right. It’s so sad. I’m sad but not like heartbroken sad.
just like- well that was a waste.

Have a look at Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, linked to ADHD. I’ve realised my ex has it and it has helped me to understand his triggers. There is new medication coming out that can help some with RSD but it doesn’t work for everyone. Therapy also has varying results. Every disagreement with the person in question leads them to feel extreme emotional pain and fear of rejection. They also have very low self-esteem, which they are ashamed of and so try to hide it. Some, including my ex, react with anger and aggression. Ultimately I left my ex because his behaviour had such an awful impact on me and child. Therapy did not work for him either.
Nobody should have to put up with a situation like this (regardless of whether it is RSD or not) and you deserve to be free of this situation just as much as I did.

@NoMumLeftBehindLiz love your user name I am watching that now to cheer myself up!

That’s really interesting. I can see similarities.
we were away the other night and he stormed off because of some minor incident and after he was delighted how the first thing he did was call me as i ‘ am the only one to be able to call him down ‘ what he doesn’t understand is that means me getting ranted at until he burns himself out. It’s such pressure!

@NoMumLeftBehindLiz therapy did work for him but it’s proven that he can’t do without it. He thinks he’s cured and that any suggestion that he isn’t behaving with complete reason is a slight on him and an accusation of the past years of therapy being a complete waste of time. He doesn’t realise therapy is often a long term piece of work and some people need forever to manage life.

I was in exactly this position but as the child. You need to make your choices very carefully op.

My mother stayed with my father. He has only got worse with age.
Now my mother sees no one. We can’t go as we can’t expose our dc to his rages and unpredictability.
They have lost all of their friends, even the neighbours avoid them.

My mother is very lonely and worn out with five decades of keeping the peace. She is a broken person.

Had she left we could have continued a relationship with her, I’m sure she would have met someone else in time. She has lost everything but him.

In my Dfs case he is an anger problem and undiagnosed, unmanaged anxiety. The minute we turned into our own people he could not stand us.

I would be planning to leave the minute they do, and tell them categorically why. That you stayed to give them a home and security but can stand it no longer.

Or be ready for the next forty years to get even worse, and god help you if you are ill….

Stop being his enabler with your kids to placate and enable their abusive father.

It sounds more like he's got a personality disorder and he controlled his behaviour for a while.

I wouldn't stick around. His behaviour is so bad he's alienated 2 of his kids and they're living away from home to get away from the shitshow.

You can't have him and your kids both. They've had it with his shit and soon they'll have had it with you telling them what to do to placate a wildly unreasonable man.

The middle one sent him a message today saying she loves him but he’s destroying everything and how he’s ruining the younger ones life too.
i hope he sees it and understands where they are coming from. Even if I can’t stay I hope they all manage to have a good relationship ultimately.

Op I can’t get over how much you are minimising. This monster is categorically wrecking their childhood and early adult lives. So much so that you have lost your youngest child, and the damage and pain they have been put through should be your first concern, not him. All you can say is that you feel sorry for HIM!

What about your children?

They have had no choice but to live in a war zone with him blowing up all over the place.

They haven’t even started the journey of processing what has happened to them yet, that will happen as they age. Right now they are doing their best to survive the experience.

This man has systemically ruined your life, your family, your future and you are calling him ‘lovely’
I can barely believe what I am reading.

Wake up op. Before you lose everything. Including your children.

You are super close to the dc because as children they saw you as the only person that could save them from him. They won’t always see it that way, you have allowed this to carry on for YEARS!

He has seriously damaged them and emotionally abused them. Why aren’t you more worried about them?

Even mow your middle child is fawning and hoping to ‘win’ him over. She hasn’t yet learnt this is utterly impossible, but she will one day. Many people have terrible childhoods op and they don’t behave like your dp.

There is no excuse for what he has done, none. Op the strange sense of calm you are describing is disassociation and it’s not a good sign. You are slowly losing your life. Please move out and take your dc away of this harmful and damaging man.

Just because he says something doesn't automatically make it true! Your children know that he's the problem. You know that he's the problem. So leaving him to get on with it will be seen as your failure by no one but him.
If either of my kids chose to move away from me because of my partner, I'd immediately ditch the partner, it really would be that simple. It's his behaviour that has put you in this position and you've communicated what he needs to do to turn things around and have been very gracious to date. For me, his chances would've run out now and I would be viewing it as him actively choosing to continue this bullying.
You have one life, OP. Choose what you do with yours to ensure yours and your children's peace of mind.

@Soulfulunfurling im
not minimising and I came here for support not condemnation. If you don’t live something it’s so easy to say what you would or would not do.
its trying to unpick 20 years of what you ‘ thought ‘ was normal.
I don’t know. It’s a lot. I’m all over the place tbh.

@Soulfulunfurling you aren’t wrong though and I have screen shot your post so I remember.

Ok but all thaf means us he can do better he just chooses to be worse.

Why is your child sending this?
Shouldn’t you be telling him all this?
Your child is telling your partner that he’s ’also ruining the younger one’s life’. So your children feel like he’s ruining their lives. You need to act.

I hope you haven’t left yourself in a vulnerable financial position by not being married and living in his property. If so, you need to wake up to that too.