DP is this over

[Lex25]

Been with partner 20 plus years. It’s been mostly fine. Happy much of time. But only if things are going his way.
As the kids have got older he’s struggled with them having own opinions and not being as easy to convince to behave a certain way.
Things got really bad 3 years ago and I said unless there was change then I had to leave. He signed up to therapy and for the most part things have been much better.
he was signed off by his therapist as he thinks he’s doing so much better and to be fair he was. But recently things have kicked off again, he had a huge row with youngest who has moved in with his Grandma and he’s furious with me as he thinks it’s my fault. He has just had a row with the middle one who is livid and left home saying she never wants to see him again ( she will but she’s furious) he blames me for all this as I’m not agreeing with him telling them they are awful, she was rude to him but he was shouting at her. The oldest one is away and has missed all this.
I really don’t see a way forward. He was amazing qualities, he’s very fun he works so hard he does housework etc etc but when thinks don’t go his way he’s a nightmare. Part of me thinks that is f he goes back to therapy then we can make it work but the other half of me is just done with it. I’m not even stressed tbh I’m just tired of it.
I dint want to leave now though because I don’t want him to blame the children as I’m pretty sure that’s what will happen or the kids will blame themselves and it’s not to do with them. They’ll all be left home in a few months anyhow.

I read your thread when you first posted but didn’t comment. Before you go to couples counselling there are seperate sessions to see if it’s appropriate ( it wouldn’t be if these sensed abuse). I think you’ve done as much as you can, he makes you all miserable and the therapy is just magnifying this and prolonging the pain. Think you will be a lot happier without him at this point. You tried x

We did do the separate session each and it’s been solidly worse. It’s no wonder he feels like it doesn’t align to be fair as she isn’t agreeing with him.
it felt like a safe space though where I could express how I feel but in hindsight I think he used what I said to have a go at me after.

@Lex25 he sounds awful. He has an awful impact on your dc and he doesn’t seem to care. Whatever his issue is, it’s not longer for you to try fix your marriage or him. It’s enough now. No one blames you for trying. Marriage counselling will only work if both couples want to save their marriage. Seems your husband just wants to win the arguement. He argues to win, not to try listen or resolve.

he sent the therapist a rude email today to say her methods don’t work.
in honesty he’s best to work on himself anyhow.
I just don’t know how to move forward, not to get back together but to move on. Like to tell him or the kids or find somewhere to live.

My ex did the exact same thing, had me in absolute tatters every week and didn’t let me speak. She did nothing, totally inequipped to deal with him and it was awful. The way you move forward is far more simple, separate your lives, go as low contact as you can to coparent, communicate through an app and get on with your life. He is a waste of your time engaging with him

@teenmaw its so awful isn’t it. I feel so traumatised from it all. It’s my own fault I shouldn’t have gone but thought if I didn’t then he would use that against me too and accuse me of not trying.
Can I ask how you finally ended it all?

Are you scared to tell him it’s over? You do sound fearful if I’m honest. Do you need someone near you so you feel safe when I you tell him it’s over?
If you are not already sleeping in separate rooms, now it the time if you have the space. I think it would be good to speak to a solicitor ( most do a 30 mil free consultation). You need to know what divorce will lead like financially. I traded my financial comfort and divorced my ex husband who was abusive too, I’ve never looked back!

I’m not living with him at the moment, I am worried as he owns everything ( and he’s fairly well off, not rich but well off enough ) and although he has said he’d support me if we split as we aren’t married I don’t know if he will if he’s angry. He told me in therapy he wanted to split up but I think he’s changed his mind. I don’t even know tbh.

Free yourself. He will not support you after you split. He just won’t. Or it will come with conditions that are onerous.

If he had wanted to protect you and your children he would have married you. He was willing to be generous as long as you were with him but he will cut you off as soon as he really feels its over.

So stop trying to please him or avoid offending him. Its a waste of precious time and energy.

The way he’s treating you is definitely abuse - and for your sake and your kids you need to recognise it and break the cycle now. He’s also been financially abusive from the underlying tone of things in that after a 20 year relationship with two kids he should not be rich and you broke. He is using money to control you. Also - don’t assume he will help you financially in any way after the breakup - he won’t.

@Aimtodobetter i know. I know this. I just don’t know how to get out. I mean I’m out but not free if you see what I mean.
What’s worse is I can’t stop feeling bad for him. Even his daughter is furious with him and he’s annoyed with me for that.
he’s started sending messages of love to all the kids even the youngest one who has been worse effected and the two older girls are begging the youngest one to respond but they won’t do it.

Your own perspective is the only one that matters when it comes to your life. Your life is like your body. It doesn’t matter is someone in another body is feeling fine eating a steak or sitting in a chair—if you are not eating a steak and you are not comfortable in a chair what difference does their pleasure make to your situation? If your dh is happy banging your toes with a hammer isn’t it fair enough that you don’t like it? A marriage or a relationship isn’t a slave contract and its not a democracy in which majority rules and you get outvoted by everyone else’s opinion.

You don’t have to win your case and prove your perspective correct by popular acclaim. Your perspective on your life is the only one that matters.

I would stop focusing on him completely - you have no control over his actions (and you never did - it was just an illusion that you had influence). Focus on yourself and building a good life for you and the kids - and don’t let him get in the way.

You don’t have to win your case and prove your perspective correct by popular acclaim. Your perspective on your life is the only one that matters.

I have just RTFT and wanted to say this too. It seems like you are still very concerned with what he thinks/may claim about you and the way you've handled things - which is completely natural when someone has got into your head for so long and you've become used to sort of adopting their perspective for the sake of peace. But you need to stop this. It doesn't matter what he thinks about you. He will no doubt continue to think the way he does and that won't change. You can't control that and in trying to make him see your side you will just keep going around around in the same old circles and never be free.

Being free means walking away from everything he thinks, walking away from the argument, not caring if he thinks it's all your fault for the rest of his life. I had a very toxic relationship that was similar in ways (not nearly as long) and what it took for me to move on is no longer engage, not respond to the abusive messages claiming this/that or the other about me, just not let his voice into my head anymore.

It will take some time, there will be setbacks, you will have times when that voice creeps in again and you doubt yourself, but you will get there. Now, I'm sure my ex probably tells everyone I am terrible and it was all my fault (he used to say the same about his previous relationships too!) but I honestly couldn't care less. I know the truth and that's all that matters.

Be strong, OP, you can do this and your life will be infinitely better.

Following on from what others are saying, you’ve been conditioned over a long period of time to base your actions around what your partner will say or do. I think it would be best for you to see a therapist on your own to help you understand this.
What is really telling is that he had all the “services” or having a wife without you having the financial security of being his wife. Depending on the age of the children ( sorry I know you’ve stated it) you should see a solicitor about maintenance if under 18. This man is very volatile so you trying to play nice will be fragile and not guarantee anything. Start making steps to earn more money - take more hours, look for a different job.

Thankyou all. It means a lot that you take time to reply. I come back to this thread to read when I am feeling worn down.
he cancelled the couples therapy anyhow and we both see our own therapist. This week when I saw him he was telling me the therapist we had seen was useless as she had created a drama triangle and that she sided with me, she really didn’t, I felt she sided with him so she couldn’t have sided with.
he also shouted as he said our son needs therapy, he probably does tbh.
i just need to extract myself from the situation, im so stressed by him though and i know once i say he’ll go his reasoning to play mr nice will be over and I’m worried what he’ll do.

Abuse is not a relationship problem, it’s about power and control. he’s driven these kids out and he’ll do the self same with you. he’s shown you the nice/nasty cycle of abuse throughout and that’s a continuous one.

This man is a common or garden abuser and that is precisely why therapy has not worked. ADHD (self diagnosed?) and his poor childhood etc are no justification or excuse for the ways in which these kids have been treated. He just paid lip service to therapy and went through the motions. In their head it’s always someone else’s fault never their own. Stop seeing him and or giving him headspace.

I would also be contacting women’s aid too.

I am not there thankfully I am living with family with the youngest child and it’s much better.
i no need to contact women’s aid, I wee on hold on Sunday for an hour and I finally got to position one and it cut off! So annoying.

I mean I need to extract myself in make a plan with him about finance but that’s when he’ll go mad.

I thought I would post an update although no one might see it.
I have left. I am living with family with my youngest child.
Aside from when I see him my anxiety has all but gone.
I have finally recognised his behaviour as abusive which took years, now I have seen it I cannot unsee.
He sends me messages of love and sobbing one minute then an hour later is back to angry.
He keeps contacting my family trying to give his version of events which is distressing for them, and me. Also he is trying to convince our middle child I am having a breakdown. Obviously she knows that’s not true.
she is really struggling as now he doesn’t have me to speak to he has transfer to her so her older sister has told him to lay off her and contact her instead.
the youngest is thriving being away from him and any time he has any contact he takes to his bed for 24 hours and can’t eat or drink. He had contact at new year and after that I found out he self harmed. I got in contact with a local domestic abuse charity and I have a meeting with an outreach worker finally on Monday. I told them about the self harm and they were going to do a mash referral but due to fact we are out of the situation they didn’t. Not that I would have minded but it’s further clarity to me how bad it had got and how I was convinced it was all me.
financially I am in a bad situation, even though he owns house with no mortgage he doesn’t seem to think he needs to provide and we didn’t marry ( also the amount of women who think you are entitled to stuff because you are common law or something is terrifying- I won’t stop shouting about that- I’m entitled to nothing)
he gives me 35 a week for his child and thinks that’s good enough but we are where we are and I’m not there so thank god.
I jist wanted to say thanks to all of you who commented and @Soulfulunfurling i saved your post as I said I would and it still helps.
aside for all that i struggge with feeling sorry for him. I don’t love him but I feel sad that he’s done this and ruined his family which just goes to show how powerful the abuser is that the ones they treat badly still have pity.
if any other women is questioning the relationship. Please leave, I haven’t felt as good in 20 years!

Congratulations! You are very brave. I am sorry that finances are tough right now but honestly, with sn abuser like your ex partner, even legal status might not have protected your interest in the property. These abusers have a million ways of delaying splitting joint assets, hiding money, and using the courts to further abuse you. It may be a blessing in disguise that you were able to walk away so cleanly even if it is with nothing. At least you aren’t having to pay a fortune to lawyers to fight for your share and he has no claim on you going forward.

@pikkumyy77 thankyou. You are absolutely right and even leaving with nothing feels like a win. He is pulling out all the stops now but I feel so safe not being around him.
it’s taken me 20 years to see what this is too,

He’s an adult now and he has had plenty time to sort himself out . His childhood can’t be an excuse for his bad behaviour forever .

I think you need to leave him and make a nice home for you and the kids .