DP is this over

[Lex25]

Been with partner 20 plus years. It’s been mostly fine. Happy much of time. But only if things are going his way.
As the kids have got older he’s struggled with them having own opinions and not being as easy to convince to behave a certain way.
Things got really bad 3 years ago and I said unless there was change then I had to leave. He signed up to therapy and for the most part things have been much better.
he was signed off by his therapist as he thinks he’s doing so much better and to be fair he was. But recently things have kicked off again, he had a huge row with youngest who has moved in with his Grandma and he’s furious with me as he thinks it’s my fault. He has just had a row with the middle one who is livid and left home saying she never wants to see him again ( she will but she’s furious) he blames me for all this as I’m not agreeing with him telling them they are awful, she was rude to him but he was shouting at her. The oldest one is away and has missed all this.
I really don’t see a way forward. He was amazing qualities, he’s very fun he works so hard he does housework etc etc but when thinks don’t go his way he’s a nightmare. Part of me thinks that is f he goes back to therapy then we can make it work but the other half of me is just done with it. I’m not even stressed tbh I’m just tired of it.
I dint want to leave now though because I don’t want him to blame the children as I’m pretty sure that’s what will happen or the kids will blame themselves and it’s not to do with them. They’ll all be left home in a few months anyhow.

That sounds sensible. At moment we are just being polite.

last night I went in garden to speak to daughter on phone as I went out for day and he admitted he’d listened in using the cctv/ring doorbell.
We had another ‘ chat’ this morning and it was just same spiel about how ice let him down and he’s had to be bad guy and I can’t give boundaries.
We are having another ‘ chat’ later apparently. Can’t wait.
funny I went out yesterday and just didn’t come home until really late and it was so nice I felt so calm.

Don’t know if anyone will see this thread but thought I’d post again here as so lost.
After many days of being told I’m wrong and how awful I’ve made the situation I left. I’m now at my family home.
i feel so lost. The youngest has gone back to our house so I am here on my own and my middle is at uni and oldest as away anyhow.
i agreed to go to couples therapy ( but I had to book and organise it all as he refused even though he suggested it )
Although he is wealthy he has insisted I pay half ( I have no money at the moment ) and he is being horrible. Yesterday I saw him and he was just being normal and I felt quite bewildered by the whole thing.
Today I got really upset at work and he has told me he is not taking to me as I am bringing his mood down and I am to negative to be around and he’s trying to keep positive and he can’t be around me. I was supposed to stay there at the weekend as my family have friends visiting so have nowhere to stay and now I have no where to go for weekend.
i feel like I’ve lost everything and he said he won’t speak to me until therapy now as I’m breaking him.
i genuinely don’t know whether to feel bad for him or me. I feel like I’ve caused all this and should have just acted normal and not complained and said how sad I was.
This is all so hard and I’m so sad.

And I feel so sad for my kids. Youngest is at home but they are barely talking but just wants their stuff around them and middle one is so upset and stressed and I shouldn’t tell her stuff but I do. Feel like it’s my fault family has fallen apart.

It's not your fault - he's an arse!

I know. But I feel like it is. He is horrible but I feel so conflicted. I just want to do what I always do and make it better and there is no point. I doubt the youngest will manage long there as they have already said how unhappy they are.

I know. But I feel like it is. He is horrible but I feel so conflicted. I just want to do what I always do and make it better and there is no point. I doubt the youngest will manage long there as they have already said how unhappy they are.

You cannot fix this man, OP. I know it feels dreadful and hopeless at the moment, but you will be much, much happier away from him. He has no intention of changing - he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him.

It is not advised to do couples therapy with an abuser, and that's what he is. I would save your money and tell him firmly that you are not paying half. If he desperately wants to save the relationship then he puts his money where his mouth is and demonstrates that he is trying (and paying). Otherwise, tell him you are done.

Save the money for yourself and the kids. None of this is your fault.

The DC are voting with their feet and good for them.

What if he’s not an abuser though and I’m over sensitive? Like I’ve told my friends and family and none said it’s abuse and everyone said to try therapy. I’m only seeing from my perspective

Insisting you pay half of the therapy cost when he knows you have no money is abusive. You spending 20 years raising his kids but having no money while he has lots is abusive. And all the ranting at you and you bending yourself into shapes to appease him.

You probably haven't told your friends and family the same amount of honest details you have told us. It's quite natural to give people you know a sanitised version of the situation out of embarrassment, but then that's the version their advice is based on. The raw stuff you have told us out of desperation is really bad OP, and you and your kids are all stressed and scared when you're around him.

I'm sorry it's so hard right now but there's nothing you have said in this thread that sounds like you have made a mistake in leaving.

Whose perspective should you see it from if not your own? And people aren't “too sensitive.” They are as sensitive as they need to be. Are people who are allergic to peanuts “too sensitive?

It sounds like you would all really benefit if he went back into therapy, I really feel for you! It sounds like he has a need to control things otherwise he feels unsafe, and that is very damaging for your family. I understand this because I used to be a little bit this way and have had a tonne of therapy which has really really helped me be less controlling, more relaxed and flexible about things. Maybe if he won’t go back to therapy then you might have to leave him? Sending love and also - this is not your fault, you are doing ur absolute best here!

@ReadingTime yes that’s so true. I think I’ve secretly wanted to be away for ages and now it’s happened I feel bereft. Also my DS is with him so that worries me as he’s so unpredictable.

@YourAquaLion did the therapy work? He had been in therapy for two years and it had helped but he stopped and it’s all gone wrong. I think that plus family issues we had at home plus in extended family.

It doesnt matter whether its abuse or not. His behaviour is making you very unhappy and you do not have to be in a relationship that makes you unhappy. Being in a relationship that makes you unhappy will damage your kids. It will damage you. It doesnt matter the reasons why. You deserve to be happy.

@Daisyvodka it’s so hard. I miss him even though he’s being horrible.

I think you need therapy yourself OP as to why you're prepared to put up with his behaviour.

No one is entitled to tell you how you feel about things. It's your feelings.

Even though you've left at the moment he's not willing to hear your point of view and everything is still on his terms, he's making no effort to hear you out or to try and sort things out, instead he's being nasty to you. It's his way only, there's no consideration for you at all.

You have 2 choices now, you can go crawling back, begging his forgiveness , live your life walking on eggshells and putting up with his rants. You probably won't see much of your children and probably any future grandchildren because his behaviour is already effecting them.

You're allowing him to talk over you and he seems to be able to convince you are wrong when you know you are not, the children feel exactly the same as you, it's not you and them that's the issue, it's him.

That's the reason I think you need therapy, to work out why you've put up with it, to work out why you can't stand up for yourself, why you allow him to speak over you and why you allow his opinion to be the one that matters.

If you go back now his behaviour might change for a short time but it won't last and if you go back it just shows him that he can behave how he wants and you'll just put up with it, so this is going to be your life from now on.

You don't actually miss him, you miss your idealised version of him.

Think back to your initial posts, that's your truth, thoughts and feelings.

Whatever you do next I hope you find happiness

He's obviously really good at punishing you for whatever he doesn't like. and like most people a lot of the time, you have ended up feeling like you deserve it, or at the very least, complying so that the punishment will stop, and creating a pattern that is really hard to get out of. Now you've actually left the punishments have escalated to financial ones, including your housing situation, which are clearly really serious for you. I think you have no choice but to try and become as financially independent as possible in the future, though I don't know enough about you to make suggestions. If you don't he will continue. I'm sending you a virtual hug and I'm sorry I cant do more. The children at soem level clearly recognise what is happening with him and are clearing our before they get habituated and emmeshed. Please try and get out of the situation yourself.

If you go back now he’ll escalate his abuse, and it IS abuse OP.

I often think women need to deliberately disagree with the men they’re with early on in the relationship to test their reaction. It’s easy to get on while it’s all easy between you. How you handle the disagreements is the acid test.

You are currently experiencing a form of Stockholm Syndrome where you are missing the codependency of the role you have in your relationship as the pacifier because that is the familiar. Ironically it feels safer to slip into the well worn groove of even an abused dynamic rather than the strange unpredictable unknown. Be patient, look forward and go and see a solicitor as soon as you are able.

Give your youngest some time. Keep seeing them a lot, ask them what they need to feel comfortable enough to leave.

The fact that you are worried about them being alone with their father speaks volumes and tells you that you have made the right decision. Hold fast OP, be patient. Things can only get better!

Thank you all. You are all right I have been reading about toxic dependency and I think I’m struggling to accept it’s over. I know I can’t go back. I’m only going to councelling with him as I think it’s the only way I can tell him how I feel if there is a mediator there.
@CatServant2020 i am in therapy at moment but my therapist is away for the month and I think I’ve not talked about him as I’ve felt ashamed of what my life is. ( also and you’ll get this- if I leave I can’t bring my cats and I absolutely adore them. One is ancient and my favourite thing on the planet and he’ll look after them but not love them properly )

I’m in a similar situation and have just had a holiday with my dc and not met him come. It’s given me the space I need yo see it clearly. @teenmawis right, 100%.
mine is literally copying the horrendous behaviour of his own father, then crying and apologising. Repeatedly. CBA, he’s dumped too much rage on me for there to be a way back. I’m sorry. A lot of men seem to suffer a mental collapse in middle age don’t they? It’s such a shame, we did so well to overcome our shit starts and now this. But I cannot help him. He has yo help himself.

This is no life for you or the children. You deserve so much better. It’s good you have family support. Do you work, have friends? Can you independently make a home for yourself with room for all of the children? He doesn’t deserve you. If he cared about you all he would make the most of help available and make a better life for your kids than he had himself.

@defrazzled oh my gosh! The same here. It’s all because of his Dad. All we hear is how awful his dad was and now history is repeating itself.
Have you left now?
I worry for my children I’ve left it to late they will be so damaged that history willl repeat itself like it has with him.

@Whatwouldnanado i can stay with family. I can’t afford to rent where I live even though I work full time. Annoyingly he owns a house I could live in but I wouldn’t be able to afford the bills. One of my family has an annex on their house though I could rent and me and the youngest could go there.
I realised as well that I am not on the mortgages as he refused to allow me to be and we are not married but I am also a company director on his business so because he takes dividends on my name I won’t be entitled to any support for housing.