DP is this over

[Lex25]

Been with partner 20 plus years. It’s been mostly fine. Happy much of time. But only if things are going his way.
As the kids have got older he’s struggled with them having own opinions and not being as easy to convince to behave a certain way.
Things got really bad 3 years ago and I said unless there was change then I had to leave. He signed up to therapy and for the most part things have been much better.
he was signed off by his therapist as he thinks he’s doing so much better and to be fair he was. But recently things have kicked off again, he had a huge row with youngest who has moved in with his Grandma and he’s furious with me as he thinks it’s my fault. He has just had a row with the middle one who is livid and left home saying she never wants to see him again ( she will but she’s furious) he blames me for all this as I’m not agreeing with him telling them they are awful, she was rude to him but he was shouting at her. The oldest one is away and has missed all this.
I really don’t see a way forward. He was amazing qualities, he’s very fun he works so hard he does housework etc etc but when thinks don’t go his way he’s a nightmare. Part of me thinks that is f he goes back to therapy then we can make it work but the other half of me is just done with it. I’m not even stressed tbh I’m just tired of it.
I dint want to leave now though because I don’t want him to blame the children as I’m pretty sure that’s what will happen or the kids will blame themselves and it’s not to do with them. They’ll all be left home in a few months anyhow.

You need legal advice here especially about your involvement in company finances. Kindly as possible please don’t let him walk over you, take your life back and set out the life you want to show your kids.

The fact that he owns property and knows you can’t afford the therapy or would struggle to pay for it tells you all you need to know.
He is abusing you and his children.
Asking you if you are alright now, when he’s been ignoring you, and knows you are distressed, is controlling. It’s like calling a dog to heel.
Fast forward ten years, kids gone for good, you will be stuck with this man as his behaviour worsens.
And the ‘fun’ is what he provides to keep you on the hook.

You need legal advice here especially about your involvement in company finances. Kindly as possible please don’t let him walk over you, take your life back and set out the life you want to show your kids.

No, but it’s in progress. I’ve told him we’re separating which of course brings great behaviours for a while. I am doing this. I want us to be friends and grandparents together. He’s a good man, often, and was genuinely an outstanding father. In my case he has never taken any of it out on DD and only been difficult with DS when DS has himself been a challenge. He’s incredibly close to them. I have so many friends and such a big family (although my own childhood was chaotic to say the least, my 7 db and I have all over come it through intense hard work). It makes me sad dh can’t. But he can’t, or won’t. And I deserve much better. I out earn dh by 4x which he says is emasculating and the root of many problems. He happy enjoys the fruits of my labour thou, and is very pleased dc have had such a l good life. In my case, dh gave me 2 amazing kids and was 50/50 raising them, I want what PP describes, separate but respectful.
We’re married and the finances will be tough, it’ll all be tough. But I deserve to be happy and not have him ruin every event of mine. Yes he was amazing at dcs 18th and 21st- dh! Food! Drinks! Fun fun fun! But he deliberately soiled my 50th and can’t say why? Spite? It’s sad, we deserve better.

it’s exhausting isn’t it. I think I am in a position where I am so sad but scared also because I’ll leave with nothing. My DP has been nice to kids mostly but even he admits he didn’t do much with them.
ifs so sad the ruining things. I don’t ever trust to have a party as I can’t trust he wouldn’t ruin it. It’s like they don’t want you to so they ruin it so you never ask again.

You just need to get out of there OP tbh.

Get out. Set up your new home in the family annex and breathe. The kids are adults so can do their own thing re seeing him. There’s literally no need for you to see or speak to him again.

Just to put another spin on therapy. I feel like it’s just going to put you through the emotional wringer with no actual output.

I’m not sure either. Every time i think about it my heart starts racing.

You're doing great OP, you are a lot stronger than you think.

Re your cats, Cats protection and possibly other rescue organizations will foster cats for women escaping abusive situations, you may not think you think you are in an abusive situation but your are.

Even though you're not married, you really need to get some advice from a Solicitor. If you've been involved in putting money in to house then you may have a claim, the same with you being named in the business and him saying he's paying you when he isn't.

You need to get as much advice and info as you can, once you know all your options I think things will seem much easier. If you are on a low income then you might be better entitled to Universal Credit. Knowledge is your friend

I think your kids will take strength from you telling their father no more, it shows them that you don't have to put with behaviour like this.

Thanks @CatServant2020 !
He’s agreed I can go and get some stuff from the house today and I was supposed to stay there tonight as my family have guests so need to be out the way but now we said I can’t so I’m getting a hotel which might be quite nice I guess.
I think he would keep cats as although he doesn’t love them they essential belong to the children and they’d never forgive him if he didn’t look after them.
I feel so horrible and just wished I’d never stood up for myself in someways as it would all be normal now if I hadn’t but then it would have gone to poo sometime o guess

Normal is just delaying further unhappiness.
Yes, you could have stayed silent and cowed. And had some sort of status quo for a while, but burying all of that unhappiness, not being able to have a normal family life, being a hostage to his moods over time erodes physical and mental wellbeing.
If you continue with it, you go into later years you realise you’ve wasted so many years being treated appallingly.
When we walk away from any painful situation like this, we want to soothe ourselves in an instant. To make the acute pain go away we just bow down and return to ‘normal’ so we don’t have to deal with it.
It is like having an abscess and taking morphine for it. When the painkiller wears off, we just want another one to reduce the ache. When the best course of action is to deal with the abscess which is messy and painful and horrible in the short term, but once that’s done the body begins to heal.
If you can get through this bit, and it’s really very fresh, you can begin to heal and get your life back.
If you stay, and many women do, you could get to 60, 70 and then 80 knowing you had wasted your precious life on somebody who is cruel and, at heart, doesn’t love you.
You deserve better.

You have put up with enough for too long. It had to explode at some point. It will take you a while, but when you come to the other side of it you’ll be happier.

Please seek legal advice regarding the company dividends and assets. You should be aware of everything that is being done in your name as you are essentially liable for all of it. The sooner the better. Even great partners can eventually become breakups that turn nasty, and you don’t want your ex partner to be able to handle finances in your name in that case.

@Lex25 End it! Ending it now show the kids you support them and out then over this toxic man . You Need to give them a home they can always come back to a nice happy place .
why should they be chased out because their father is toxic .
save the relationship with your kids not him . It’s not worth saving .

@Lex25 sorry just send your update .
I’d be cancelling couples Counseling if he wants it he pays . Your exhausted op you have done your best for 20 years
call a solicitor tomorow you have been together 20 years and I’m sure he hasnt kept you for free and you have paid your way. See what’s your entitled too from the house .
Time to find courage and strength you never thought you had. Put your energy into setting up a new home for you and the kids . Where you can be at peace .

You are entitled to go back maybe short term you can do that u till you get a rental and can take your cat

I’ve only just seen your thread OP and I think you’re being really brave and doing the right thing. I’m nearly 60 so a different generation, a different time, but I am the (eldest of 3) child in this situation. My mum never left. I love her, I understand and sort of respect her choices but it’s been so difficult for me and my sisters over the years. My dad has said some unforgivable things to me but I can’t cut them off completely. My sisters and I have our “what if…?” moments because my mum is strong in so many ways but - I think mostly due to a different generation (she married very young and my dad was her first boyfriend) - we would’ve championed her if she’d left. Incidentally, my dad had some childhood trauma which is really quite bad but he keeps excusing himself as if he’s the only person who ever experienced this! I have now experienced this same trauma and he’s taken everything out on me. Anyway, this is about YOU - your children will gravitate towards you, love and respect you. And I completely understand about the cats - I hope you find a way to have them with you because they will calm you and love you unconditionally. All the best.

Just to add - chin up. This may sound trite but when I was going through bad stuff because of my dad, my best friend messaged that to me. Then I was out and started crying and a stranger asked me what was wrong. I briefly explained and he also said those words. I’ll never forget how kind he was.

It doesnt matter what words other people use, he is abusive.

Do not go to counselling with your abuser.

Go and see a solicitor. The financies do not sound as straight forward as he is suggesting.

Thank you all so much. I need to make a firm plan. My head is all over the place and I’m struggling to decide what to do and my youngest is there and asking me to go back. They went to be at home as it’s all they know. Also they have a tiny room in my families house and none of thier stuff.
if I could hold out until Christmas we could move straight into the flat and they could have their own space. But if it’s I can do it in that long.

@IleftmybaginNewportPagnell he is like this too. His child hood trauma is all he talks about not considering he is an exactly the same! Honestly it’s like history repeating itself.

@Lex25 There's been quite a few legal cases now where couples who've been together a long time and had children together are awarded an equal share of the assets.

With regard to the company, as a director you hold a lot of power. You could close the business tomorrow! You could also be liable for tax. You definitely need to see a solicitor as a priority.

Encourage your youngest to come and see you. Tempt them with some favourite activities. Just say you need a break at this stage. Don't go back, it will get much worse if you do.

I think you need to find out where you stand financially before making any final decisions and where you stand with the company legally. It sounds like he's done a real number on you in every way. It's time to get ammunition and defend yourself. First job: see a solicitor. Also contact women's aid for some support.

Beibg a director on a business he owns might give you something to bargain with, especially if he's broken the law by not paying you/tax properly. Tread carefully because being a director means you have liability for this business too, but you should definitely get legal advice and see what can be done here.
You could possibly insist on your share of dividends/profits. If you are a part owner I'd think your name should be on the business bank account so you can see what's coming in and going out.

Not sure if anyone will see this as I started this ages ago.
I am still at my family home and the youngest one was at home but it all escalated again and is now with me.
you all warned me about couples therapy but i decided to give it a go. It’s not been great but today was horrendous. He just ranted at me for 50 minutes in front of the therapist. She did try and interject and let me speak but it didn’t happen. He ended up storming out and saying it was shit and then calling one of kids crying. I honestly can’t even remember a word of what he said either, it’s so strange, like nothing.
Not sure why I’m posting tbh. I guess to say that going to therapy with someone who abuses you is pointless like you all said.

Oh you poor thing! Nit just pointless though—actively dangerous for you. Call the therapist and express yourself and tell her the therapy needs to end, you will not participate as it is unsafe, and ask for help getting support to leave (ir self refer to whatever women’s sid is available).

Maybe they him the help & meds he needs, with his diagnosis this maybe not his fault.

Don't waste another second on that absolute waste of skin.

He just messaged me to say that he doesn’t think she is a good fit and that he hasn’t been happy with her and he doesn’t align with her methods.
he has a therapist who has no boundaries and I found out they follow each other on social media.