DP is this over

[Lex25]

Been with partner 20 plus years. It’s been mostly fine. Happy much of time. But only if things are going his way.
As the kids have got older he’s struggled with them having own opinions and not being as easy to convince to behave a certain way.
Things got really bad 3 years ago and I said unless there was change then I had to leave. He signed up to therapy and for the most part things have been much better.
he was signed off by his therapist as he thinks he’s doing so much better and to be fair he was. But recently things have kicked off again, he had a huge row with youngest who has moved in with his Grandma and he’s furious with me as he thinks it’s my fault. He has just had a row with the middle one who is livid and left home saying she never wants to see him again ( she will but she’s furious) he blames me for all this as I’m not agreeing with him telling them they are awful, she was rude to him but he was shouting at her. The oldest one is away and has missed all this.
I really don’t see a way forward. He was amazing qualities, he’s very fun he works so hard he does housework etc etc but when thinks don’t go his way he’s a nightmare. Part of me thinks that is f he goes back to therapy then we can make it work but the other half of me is just done with it. I’m not even stressed tbh I’m just tired of it.
I dint want to leave now though because I don’t want him to blame the children as I’m pretty sure that’s what will happen or the kids will blame themselves and it’s not to do with them. They’ll all be left home in a few months anyhow.

I am not judging you - or condemning you. This was my life too, and I recognise the excuses and he is ‘lovely really’, it’s just his childhood and all the other excuses in which we enable abuse to continue right in front of us.

I am saying this to you because I really don’t want you to lose everything, that this man can never be worth it.

That you are so desensitised and used to his abuse it just rolls off you these days. Your children are clearly really struggling, he is going from bad to worse. You need to stand up for them op. Not by arguing (you will never win) but by leaving and keeping your children safe.

Why is his past trauma more important than the trauma he is putting your own children through?

Pacifying will be understood as weakness by him. Trying to appease him will never work, he will lose all respect for you. You can’t save him, but you can save your children, yourself and your relationship with them.

One day they will all be adults and you may have to justify why you let them suffer like this. There is time to do the right thing here op. For your kids if nothing else.

It might be worth considering that you don't hold boundaries because he can't handle it! He wants you to hold boundaries with the children but be available to him as an emotional outlet whenever he needs it - your lack of boundaries has benefited him more than anyone and yet he condemns you for it when it's not facilitating his needs.

Lovely, this is an abusive relationship - being ranted at continuously is not normal or acceptable. You must get out. I think you'll only see how bad this was when you are no longer in the thick of it. Your family can likely see it, which would explain why they are saying to come home anytime and aren't encouraging you to stick it out and work on things.
He uses you as a verbal punchbag and you turn into a human pretzel to avoid anything setting him off and this is such a stressful way to live. He doesn't respect you and he's too selfish to change.

I do think that when people have been under a great deal of stress the way their brain handles it sometimes is to make you care less, to feel less. It's the only way to not have a breakdown yourself. That's why you feel this strange distance from the situation and can't motivate yourself to be so so angry at what he's doing to your children as well as to you. But your brain recognises enough that it knows the situation is harmful to you, hence the feeling you need to leave.

Csn you get some money from him first? - He owes you help because this is a situation of his own making and you shouldn't be at a financial disadvantage.

This is exactly it! I can’t hold boundaries with anyone and least of all him. I just give in for an easy life. As soon as he’s happy we can all be happy type thing.

You been with this man 20 years and had 2 children with him. Why did you and him never get married? Was it a case that early on you wanted to get married but he fobbed you off? Perhaps he knew that if he married it ment that legally you would be entitled to his money/assets?

For years he has been dectating every thing at home. He is verbally abusive. He is like a bold child having tantrums if he does not get his own way. He has used you as a verbal punch bag for years. When he does not get his way he is moody and verbally abusive. As the kids got older he got worse because they would not do what he wanted and probably said no to him. For years you walked on eggshells for years with him and even now your defending him.

At this stage your 2 kids have left home because of him and his behaviour. It's time for you to get all his financial information and speak to a solicitor to see what your entitled to from him.
I then tell him it over between you because you had enough of his behaviour and you need to move out of that house. You need to put you and your children 1st now and get counselling for you and them.

If you don't do this your kids are going to stay away. He is going to get worse with age. Your kids will grow up, become adults and possibly have there own kid's. They won't visit because they know he will tell your grandkids to stay quite ect.
Imagine having no relationship with your adult kids and possible grandchildren because of staying with him.
Imagine him complaining if you have to help with childminding or spend time looking after elderly parents.

Men like him get worse with age and he won't want you meeting up with friends, going places ect when you get older. You don't want to end up careering for him either.

It time to leave him and build up a proper relationship with your kids for the sake of your own mental and physical health now.

We didn’t get married as he didn’t want to but neither did I to be fair. I didn’t think about money. I don’t think he’d leave me penniless tbh and it’s not like I don’t have somewhere to go. i feel like I can’t breathe, he’s in other room thudding around and dropping things and my heart is pounding.

He will never be happy op, this is a rainbow scenario where you keep looking for the pot of gold which is a happy, healthy family.

I know it feels uncomfortable but at least you are now aware of your body, your own feelings. Your pounding heart, you are no longer numb. You might want to run for cover, but try to stay with the feeling if you can. What is your heart pounding for? What is it trying to say to you? Is this the safe and deeply comforting place it ought to be in your own home - with the man you live with? Or are you becoming aware that you are actually quite unsafe? He is unsafe, try and pinpoint where it is stemming from.

Ask questions, observe your reactions.

It might be the magnitude of discovering what you have been living with.

Just keep breathing. Do some grounding techniques. Breathe in for 8, hold for 8 and out for 8. It’s okay op. We are all here for you.

I think it’s this. Thank you for the replies.
I usually give in to him to make this feeling go away and now because I havent it’s so hard to sit with.

OP, I have known a few men like this (although I haven't been in a relationship with one), and my only contribution is to observe that they almost always get worse with age. Ageing implies a degree of loss of control over things as we lose the ability to do things as well as we once did and faculties start to fail us. Men, in particular, tend to 'double down' and try to reimpose control over those parts of their life that they feel they can influence, which can lead to their behaviour becoming more and more entrenched as they get older.

You might want to bear this in mind regarding future decisions.

You obviously do not want to leave if he can control his anger. There are 2 options. He goes back into therapy or you leave. He chooses.

OP I think I am your DP and you are my ex.

i had 20 years of therapy (ongoing) antidepressants, and anger management courses. As my babies became young adults, family life imploded slowly but steadily.
I knew I was “the problem” but could do absolutely nothing to stop my reactions. My self hatred and despair and loneliness increased with every one of my outbursts.

I finally left. My DP and one DC begged me to stay but I could see that I was damaging everyone I loved so I packed a suitcase and left - and not one of us has regretted it.

I finally got an ADHD Diagnosis and everything fell into place. RSD is a real and major part of my symptoms. It isn’t that I will not change, as god knows I tried absolutely everything - but that I cannot.

OP, since I moved out ten or so years ago, everyone is happier and able to show the love and care we feel for each other. I holiday with my “ex” and my DC, sometimes all of us, sometimes just me and him. It’s wonderful.
I celebrate my DC for who they are, I have an incredible relationship with them now - I have owned my shit with them, my immense regret and shame - and to my amazement they say it’s ok and that they love me and that in fact I over remember the bad bits and forget all the good bits, that they are glad I’m their mother. This brings such gratitude in me. I simply do not believe that without the space and “air” of separation, without reducing the opportunities for me to go into RSD around those I love, I would be truly alone - my DC and my ex would have had to push me away.

One interesting thing was my ex has changed so much without the pressure of me - he’s been able to grow himself as a father and man, part of which was being able to reflect on his own part or share in the family dynamics that emerged as our DC grew up. He remains the most important person in my life, we message and meet loads, and all is good.

I remain very prone to RSD despite taking medication. I still have outbursts and meltdowns and frankly wish I’d never been born (not suicidal, just it’s all been such an almighty slog and misery and self hatred),but I did manage, in the end, to do the right thing for my wonderful DC and ex, and for our family.

@insomniaclife I genuinely think some people make great friends and decent partners ‘from a distance’ but are rubbish at the Groundhog Day aspects of living with someone- often it can be very genuine people who just can’t keep their emotions and moods ‘in check’ - so are actually simply hard to live with day to day - I put my H in this category - not a shit person, just hard to live with.

@insomniaclife I’ve got a friend like this too- fabulous lady but prone to being moody and can be a bit flakey too - I don’t think she copes well with the amount of compromise needed on a lot of relationships and hence after awhile finds them all dull.

@insomniaclife wow! That’s so hard and that’s so brave that you did that. Were you happier away with less conflict? Like I try to say to my partner raising teens isn’t easy but I don’t think he understands but you seemed to have so much more insight.

He wanted to speak to me this evening, so I did talk to him. It is just going round in circles still. He said he’s being blamed for shouting and that he has tried to raise the kids and teach them and I’ve interfered and now allowed him to as I am scared of conflict. I am and I admit that but it’s the shouting and disregulated behaviour I hate not being a parent guiding them. I think he things the only way is to shout. After an hour of him explaining to me I did bring up his temper and he Jusy signed and said he needed a break and left the room as it’s not relevant . The fact that me and all his kids are saying it is is missed on him. ( obb you are hearing my side so I know he’d see this differently ) the fact is I have covered up for them. As I cant deal with it, I would have parented very differently if his parenting had been measured and calm.

The dawning realisation is radical and can be a shock. When you see your life through the eyes of others.

Stay with the discomfort and reality. Don’t appease or reassure him. Just he factual if you can. Things have come to a head, and you need some space to decide how to proceed. Move away from too much dialogue. He will be keen to blame you or the dc, he can not face who he has become, who he is.

Don't collude with his cover ups. Just remain really calm and make a plan op.

Thankyou @Soulfulunfurling im doing that and just letting him speak ( and speak and speak ) and not saying much. I didn’t even say much and he was trying to get me to agree to ‘ be on his side ‘ as I’ve been letting him down and haven’t been on same page as him. He’s right about that at least! I am so not on the same page as him.

You are on your own page now.

He doesn’t get to tell you how to think, to gang up on your own children, to enable his tempers, to force your children out one by one.

He can talk and talk but it doesn’t have to mean anything. Yes you should have left years ago, but better late than never. This way your children can still be in contact and see you without dealing with their abuser every time. They won’t lose both parents op.

Thank you @Soulfulunfurling fpr all your wise words. It means a lot. When I woke up today I was convinced maybe it is my fault and I needed this. Xx

I’ve been being polite but keeping it at that. He was just telling about work on Thursday and I was answering but keeping it distant at the end he said ‘ you alright now then’ and I said no.
he messaged the two younger ones yesterday, I think the middle might have replied but youngest hasn’t.
This morning he’s not talking to me again.
I am trying so hard not to appease him as it feels so oppressive and awful I can’t stand it.

So what’s the plan then @Lex25?

I’m not sure. At moment im in a spare room. No kids around obviously. I can go to my family home but one of my cats is not very well at the moment so I don’t want to leave him but don’t feel it’s fair to take him.
he wouldn’t mistreat him but he’s ancient and has lots of health issuers.
i have an offer of a flat I can take but not until Christmas which is months away :( but I could bring the cats and wouldn’t need to leave them. My youngest could live with me then so trying to get it all sorted in my head. The thing is I know youngest wants to go ‘ home ‘ and not to a random flat but I don’t know what else to do.

Neither of you will be doing your best parenting as each is affected by seeking to counter-balance the others perceived or actual parenting shortcomings.

maybe explain that he’ll be able to to parent how he wants, and vice versa, when you live separately, and that living apart does not mean you are not a family.

try not to say anything blaming to him - each of you will have so much mutual resentments and shame and guilt it simply triggers defensiveness if you do.

find a mantra that works for you - future focussed, and achievable. So eg “I want to be the best mum I can be to them in the coming years and I will do that best living alone with them” or whatever. And just repeat that to yourself and to him