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Original poster

Confused over parent in laws comments over our blended family holiday!

148 replies

Itsalittlewetout · 20/07/2025 10:16

Just wanted some opinions on this as it’s left me a bit confused.

Basically I have a blended family. Oldest was 4 when got with my partner and is now 9, youngest is 2. Oldest has contact every other weekend with her dad. He was abusive and I can’t imagine he has changed although he has another relationship.

Anyways we visited the in-laws and told them about our family holiday we’ve booked and that it’s with both kids. They looked visibly irritated. Said that the oldest will be having a family holiday with her dad (gets 2 weeks in hols) so why does she need to go with us also. We should have booked ours when she was with her dad and only took youngest.

I don’t get what they are trying to say. It’s our family holiday and she is part of our family. I want to go with her and have the memories with her. She is closer to me the her dad who she does get a bit scared of. I literally couldn’t go without her and she know that we’ve had a family holiday without her.

OP posts:
itsmeits · 20/07/2025 10:18

In laws dont see your DD as there GD.

Zanatdy · 20/07/2025 10:19

They are very rude. I’d have said well it’s a family holiday and I wouldn’t want to go without my child. Is any of this coming from your partner do you think?

cupfinalchaos · 20/07/2025 10:20

itsmeits · 20/07/2025 10:18

In laws dont see your DD as there GD.

Why would they? She isn’t. But it’s none of their business who op takes on holiday.

TwistedWonder · 20/07/2025 10:20

They’re rude and telling you they don’t see your DD as their family.

It’s a family holiday so obviously includes both your children - how strange to think otherwise

Original poster
Itsalittlewetout · 20/07/2025 10:21

itsmeits · 20/07/2025 10:18

In laws dont see your DD as there GD.

Clearly not. I was really upset by them saying this. But I can’t make them love her the same.

OP posts:
makingthecut · 20/07/2025 10:21

Yeah their grandchild is the only one that’s important to them. They don’t see her as part of their family and see her getting ‘more’.

Ignoring the history and the fact that the poor child might have been traumatised by having an abusive parent and doesn’t live with her family full time.

Pancakeflipper · 20/07/2025 10:22

They need a reminder she is very much part of the family and as a family member, she goes on holiday too.

Original poster
Itsalittlewetout · 20/07/2025 10:22

cupfinalchaos · 20/07/2025 10:20

Why would they? She isn’t. But it’s none of their business who op takes on holiday.

Show quote history

I have always hoped but never expected them to treat her the same. If they were decent humans they would because what sort of people want to treat a young child differently. They have really gone down in my expectations now.

OP posts:
Arrivederla · 20/07/2025 10:23

They sound horrible! Absolutely none of their business anyway.

Original poster
Itsalittlewetout · 20/07/2025 10:23

Pancakeflipper · 20/07/2025 10:22

They need a reminder she is very much part of the family and as a family member, she goes on holiday too.

This is what I said but it was like I was speaking a different language.

OP posts:
AnSolas · 20/07/2025 10:26

Your PIL are total and utter assholes.

The child is 9 and they expect you to ignore that she is yours and exclude her from your family.

Its very clear that they dont see her as having any connection to their family so that is one to watch out for when they are around your other child.

Sassybooklover · 20/07/2025 10:27

In-laws are presumably your partner's parents? The 2 year old is your child with your partner? Your in-laws don't see your eldest as their granddaughter and clearly think she should only have 1 holiday per year, as your 2 year old would. Therefore, to them your daughter's holiday will be with her Dad and your youngest with you and your partner. That would equate to a holiday each, with no one having more than the other. It's not your daughter's fault that her parents split, and she has to split her time with both parents. Be prepared for many of these type of comments in the future, where your in-laws perceive your daughter is 'getting extra'. They may start overcompensating with your youngest, because they will see it as 'not fair'. Your partner needs to address this with his parents directly. You can't 'punish' a child for having separated parents, which is more or less what they want.

Meadowfinch · 20/07/2025 10:27

Nasty, selfish and ignorant in-laws who don't like that you have an elder daughter, and that their son is helping raise her.

Honestly, what kind of a mum would you be to leave your child out of the family fun?

Tell them quite clearly that your dd is part of your family and you would never dream of leaving her out. Note that they are not your elder daughter's friends and never leave her in their care.

Anxioustealady · 20/07/2025 10:28

Getting 2 holidays (would her dad even take her on one?) would be one of very few perks of split parents compared to a whole load of disadvantages. They're being horrible. I don't blame you if you didn't know what to say at the time to pull them up because it's such a weird thing to say!

Even if they don't view her as a granddaughter, what's that got to do with this holiday? I would've been very annoyed tbh OP. What did your husband/OH say? My only concern would be if it's coming from him somehow.

Stripeyanddotty · 20/07/2025 10:29

What did your dp say to them?

pizzaHeart · 20/07/2025 10:32

She is your daughter and part of the family so you are holidaying together. I would be a bit rude in my response to them to be honest to show that it’s not their place to comment. They don’t see your daughter as their GD which is fine but she is party of your family and they should respect this. It would change my relationship with them very significantly. Not seeing as a GD - sad but fine . But open comments like this plus irritation- a huge red flag.
Is it coming somehow from your partner or is it just your in laws attitude?

By the way I don’t like this details about her being scared of her Dad. You know that this is the inportant issue.

CorrectionCentre · 20/07/2025 10:32

Your in-law's relationship with your dd1 is up to them. They can care about her and be kind without feeling the same as they do about the dc who is their dgc.
But! The extraordinary lack of understanding about your family is unbelievably hurtful. They must lack any sort of empathy to not understand a mother wanting to go on holiday with both her children. And they should respect that their ds loves and has welcomed your dd1 wholeheartedly into his family.
They're totally egocentric which is really unpleasant.

Sh291 · 20/07/2025 10:32

I don't think there is anything wrong with them not viewing your daughter as their own grand child. It doesn't make them bad people, but it's not what you want to hear.

That being said I think it's unreasonable to expect you not to take your own daughter on holiday, and it's weird that they would assume you wouldn't take her. Your oldest daughter will have benefits of things like extra holidays, presents etc with her having a split family. But don't expect your PIL to also treat her as a grandchild giving her even more extra benefits that even their own grandchild isn't getting.

amber763 · 20/07/2025 10:33

Your partner should have stepped in here. They're his parents. Did he anything to them?

Anxioustealady · 20/07/2025 10:36

Sh291 · 20/07/2025 10:32

I don't think there is anything wrong with them not viewing your daughter as their own grand child. It doesn't make them bad people, but it's not what you want to hear.

That being said I think it's unreasonable to expect you not to take your own daughter on holiday, and it's weird that they would assume you wouldn't take her. Your oldest daughter will have benefits of things like extra holidays, presents etc with her having a split family. But don't expect your PIL to also treat her as a grandchild giving her even more extra benefits that even their own grandchild isn't getting.

Oh yes "even more extra benefits" of... presents maybe and potentially holidays, from a father who abused her mother and she's scared of, that she sees every other weekend.

Do you really think a child would choose that over having both parents together at home with her, who presumably aren't abusive? OPs younger daughter has much more advantages, and she'll have them her whole life.

Original poster
Itsalittlewetout · 20/07/2025 10:37

amber763 · 20/07/2025 10:33

Your partner should have stepped in here. They're his parents. Did he anything to them?

He kind of wasn’t engaged in the conversation and had his head in his phone trying to sort out a works issue. I wouldn’t say he was a vocal person though either way. I’m not sure he listens much or pays too much attention or act on what they say.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsalittlewetout · 20/07/2025 10:39

Anxioustealady · 20/07/2025 10:36

Oh yes "even more extra benefits" of... presents maybe and potentially holidays, from a father who abused her mother and she's scared of, that she sees every other weekend.

Do you really think a child would choose that over having both parents together at home with her, who presumably aren't abusive? OPs younger daughter has much more advantages, and she'll have them her whole life.

Show quote history

And this is why I’m so disappointed. My oldest needs a lot more really. It must be difficult for her. Which is why I could absolutely never ever do our main family holiday without her. We’ve done a weekend when we have little choice because something falls when she isn’t with us. I feel terrible going on those also. I appreciate we have a life to live but she has no control over any of this.

OP posts:
Stripeyanddotty · 20/07/2025 10:40

So basically your dp doesn’t stand up for your 9 year old. What a prick.

MounjaroMounjaro · 20/07/2025 10:42

I would have been really sharp with them. For one thing, what the hell has it got to do with them, and for another, this is your child they're talking about - as if you'd leave them out of a family holiday! Was there an expectation on the IL's part that they would have come with you on the holiday?

minnienono · 20/07/2025 10:47

They just sound mean to be honest. Unless you were complaining about the cost in school holidays or similar I don’t see why they would even consider not taking both dc. Are they angling in the future to do a trip with just their grandson? That’s actually a good way to “even things up” when old enough to care of course. I would say though don’t feel guilty whilst your dd is away to do an activity perhaps that’s aimed at your sons age, it’s fine to treat him whilst she’s away (though still too young to realise)