Confused over parent in laws comments over our blended family holiday!

[Itsalittlewetout]

Just wanted some opinions on this as it’s left me a bit confused.

Basically I have a blended family. Oldest was 4 when got with my partner and is now 9, youngest is 2. Oldest has contact every other weekend with her dad. He was abusive and I can’t imagine he has changed although he has another relationship.

Anyways we visited the in-laws and told them about our family holiday we’ve booked and that it’s with both kids. They looked visibly irritated. Said that the oldest will be having a family holiday with her dad (gets 2 weeks in hols) so why does she need to go with us also. We should have booked ours when she was with her dad and only took youngest.

I don’t get what they are trying to say. It’s our family holiday and she is part of our family. I want to go with her and have the memories with her. She is closer to me the her dad who she does get a bit scared of. I literally couldn’t go without her and she know that we’ve had a family holiday without her.

I think you are going to have a DP problem too...

You seem like a really good mom. Lots want to prioritise their new family or let their new boyfriend push their child out or mistreat them, so don't worry, I think she'll be fine.

I get really annoyed though when people say children with split parents are advantaged because they get 2 birthdays, 2 Christmases, 2 holidays... my parents are split and I just didn't go on family holidays after they divorced at 7 because my dad never went, and my mom went with her boyfriend and sometimes his kids, and Christmas isn't the same having to go between 2 homes.

But it sounds like she has a loving home so don't worry about all that. I would tell your OH to have a word with them, because next time they say something like that, if he doesn't speak up you will.

That is just horrible OP but unfortunately this is the sort of issue that often occurs in blended families. I feel terrible that your poor dd has to see her father who she's afraid of let alone being left out of holidays with her mum.

So many ppl view SK as ‘but they’re getting 2 holidays’.

IMO that shouldn’t be the focus.

Instead:

They are getting quality time with both parents but separately.

You are one family unit to you and your family unit, but your in laws don’t see it the same way.

This!

It is court ordered unfortunately. 😞

Is there a back story you’re not sharing like you’re not working and they begrudge their son taking on the financial liability for your oldest?

weird comment I agree.

Horrible attitude by them and shows exactly what they think of her. You can’t change their feelings on her but you can advocate for her and tell them to keep their shitty opinions to themselves regarding your family holidays and dynamics in general. Twats.

That does sometimes overshadow the resident children’s “quality time” though.

Exactly. I want my children who have holidays together, for their bonding and memories, to know that they are both equally important and not one more so than the other. I want her their as much as they squabble etc.

On the plus side they're not coming with you.

No I work and own my own home we live in but it’s none of their business!

Just to clarify, are the GPs going on this proposed holiday or are they just opining about this hypothetically?

No they aren’t coming. They would be more than welcome to but it’s not something that’s been proposed.

It’s incredibly weird they think you shouldn’t take your own daughter on holiday.

Then it’s utterly bizarre that they even have an opinion then - regardless of the issue of whether they should treat your daughter as their granddaughter. I confess I assumed it was a GP funded holiday!

What do you mean by this?

Surely just the same as when families with multiple children go on holidays? And OP's eldest is basically a resident child, she mainly lives with her mother 85% ish of the time.

I think rather than the inclusion of your dd, if they’re ‘irritated’ they probably perceive that their biological grandchild gets ‘less’ in terms of treats like holidays.

They won’t understand all the parenting politics and minutiae like you do. People are human and emotional and prioritise their own blood. Hurtful, yes. But I’m afraid that is always going to be a factor in blended families unless grandparents are exceptionally saintly.

Take no notice, it's nothing to do with them. I think any decent parent would want all their DCs on holiday with them.

No we literally saw them and was talking about what we booked. They then piped up about why aren’t we just going with the youngest so we can have a “better” time. She’s going with her dad so jobs done she doesn’t need to go with us. I tried to explain that we are a family and the mum said something about us not being a “proper family” in the normal sense. I tried to explain feelings but was pointless.

And while this conversation was taking place your useless dp was doing something on his phone.

Poor kid! I would be quite direct with her if they say anything in her presence, that they are limited and foolish people. Don’t let her internalise it if you can help it.
you have my sympathies having to send her to court ordered contact, that in itself is traumatic for both of you when you have an ex partner like that. It won’t be forever even though it feels like it

My youngest gets quality alone time with me every other weekend, oldest gets very little alone time with me. Also I’m at home in the day with little one when oldest at school.

the mum said something about us not being a “proper family” in the normal sense

How (and why) was your response to that not fury? You ‘tried to explain’? WTF? This woman told you that you weren’t a proper family, disrespected your family unit and expects you to treat your child like a second class citizen. Why are you tolerating this?