Confused over parent in laws comments over our blended family holiday!

[Itsalittlewetout]

Just wanted some opinions on this as it’s left me a bit confused.

Basically I have a blended family. Oldest was 4 when got with my partner and is now 9, youngest is 2. Oldest has contact every other weekend with her dad. He was abusive and I can’t imagine he has changed although he has another relationship.

Anyways we visited the in-laws and told them about our family holiday we’ve booked and that it’s with both kids. They looked visibly irritated. Said that the oldest will be having a family holiday with her dad (gets 2 weeks in hols) so why does she need to go with us also. We should have booked ours when she was with her dad and only took youngest.

I don’t get what they are trying to say. It’s our family holiday and she is part of our family. I want to go with her and have the memories with her. She is closer to me the her dad who she does get a bit scared of. I literally couldn’t go without her and she know that we’ve had a family holiday without her.

No. It’s not always the same. I’m not going to get into it as it sounds like it’s not a relevant consideration here. I was speculating.

They are "allowed" to not see her as their grandchild. They are "allowed" to treat her differently to their son's daughter.
However if they treat a 9 year old child unkindly then they should expect to have it pointed out to them. So if they are seeing her at Christmas I would expect them to get her a token gift, would expect them to make some efforts to chat with her. Treat her like a great- niece perhaps or family friend's child.
They didn't need to comment on the holiday. It's not their business. That they think it would be a "better" holiday without your daughter there is just bizarre. And to call you "not a proper family" is incredibly rude.
I do think your partner should say something, it's not great that he didn't at the time.
"Mum that's enough. DSD is DD's sibling, DP's daughter and my SD and we are going on a family holiday because we are a family. DSD might go away with her dad but that doesn't mean she shouldn't get to have a holiday with our family as well. We see ourselves as a family and we're disappointed that you don't see yourselves as an extended part of that."

You’re wrong on my view to have even tried to explain. She would have got an icy stare from me and an ‘I beg your pardon?Why on earth would I have a ‘better time’ without my eldest?’

What you need to do now is tell your DH exactly what his parents said and that he needs to speak to them about it. Mine would know that if there was any similar comment made in the future and he did not immediately challenge it firmly I would explode.

And never go on holiday with them. They are highly likely to make it uncomfortable for your eldest.

I don’t see the point in arguing, we just don’t value the same things. I value inclusion and they value blood.

They are quite judgmental with little empathy for people’s differences.

You don’t see the point in arguing, so will sit there and allow them to disrespect you, your family unit and your first child. You will say nothing to them, you won’t even discuss it with your husband, you’ll just complain on MN.

Cool, cool. Glad that works for you.

I wouldn't waste my energy either

None of what you’ve said will make a blind bit of difference. I just won’t visit much going forward anymore.

Cool, cool. Glad that works for you.

This is probably the way that sanity lays rather than trying to change people who are not going to change. I’m assuming they love and value their biological grandchild and are perfectly polite and pleasant when they see their step grandchild.

my mum treats my DS and DSS with the same love in fact probably favours DSS. My dad loves my DS more than anything in the world (me and my mum included) but likes and values DSS. Both are fine. It has been a journey though and not always plain sailing with DSS however 12 years has helped everyone find where they are happy. At the end of the day we choose our step children our parents acquire step grandchildren

My in-laws can be quite unkind, I’m not a reserved person but like you I don’t think there’s any benefit in arguing. There’s not always anything to be gained.

I think that drastically cutting down on the time you spend with them is the way to go. They sound like very unpleasant people and they will see less of their grandchildren because of it.

If your dp has not adopted your daughter tben your PILs aren't her GPs

They are adults and this is a young child, was 4 now 9. They are supposed to be the healthy ones. Do they want to be visited as they age and benefit in our lovely family. This is all pointless labels. They can’t be half in and half out, we are a whole family.

You are a whole family, however they aren’t their GP. They don’t have to view them the same as your youngest, but both children should be treated with kindness.

I understand your frustration, but I think there are two things going forward:

1. you the OP adjusting your expectations on PIL to treat your eldest as a GC as they aren’t.
2. speak to your partner on how you want to come across in these situations going forward. Setting some boundaries on language used about your eldest. They have been unfair in the way they have spoken about the situation and you need a United front on how to approach these situations in the future.

This this this.
I would be distancing from them.

What a stupid thing to say outloud. It is one thing for them not to consider ther a grandchild. But they this the daughter should not be allowed to go on holiday with their own mother? A holiday that the grandparents are not attending nor paying for?

I think my in-laws are just not very empathetic people. Perhaps it’s quite a common thing for the older generation. (I may be stereotyping). They can’t empathise If they have never developed it. Shame.

@Itsalittlewetout - I’m completely with you on this. Family bonds are about love and connection, not blood. I’m close to my PILs and my aunt-by-marriage: are they supposed to be unimportant because we don’t share blood?

I think your PILs’ attitude is utterly chilling. They sound deeply mean-spirited (as do some posters on this thread). This is one to keep an eye on. It sounds like your husband does not share this view, which is the most important thing.

My stepdad regarded my DDs as grandchildren without qualification and my mum regarded my stepbrother’s DCs as grandchildren without qualification. They were all equally important in their eyes. And your elder child was 4 when she came into your DH’s life, not 31 (the age I was when my mum married my stepdad!).

How can any right thinking person try to keep at arm’s length a child they’ve known since they were 4? They sound quite unpleasant.

I feel we have all lucked out really on this front. Probably why my partner isn’t particularly very talkative with emotions. He is a good person in many ways and doesn’t treat her different at home.

This is a hill I would die on. There's no way I could accept being told that my youngest child would have a better time without her sister being included or that my own child didn't deserve to come on my family holiday.

You can't realistically let this pass and treat it simply as a difference of opinion re blended families because this attitude will bleed into their interactions with both of your daughters.

I'd be keeping them very much at arms length in future if this way me. I'm not saying they have to view your oldest as their grandchild (although it would be nice given how long they've known her), but to think that you should exclude your own child is just fucked up. You don't need to be making an effort with people like that.

honestly I’m still taken aback by what kind of people could think like this. About a child. Not even one within a family but any child.

Well now you're just being rude (and ridiculous)

You've said yourself that the great grandparents do treat her exactly the same and they are even older so how does that work with your "older generation" stereotype?

its a confusing comment because its batshit.
Have you talked to your partner about it? Id be wary that he might feel comfortable excluding your daughter to prioritise the new golden child, if thats what hes getting in his ear.
It wouldnt have even crossed my mind to only go on holiday with my younger kids when my eldest was at their dads. Ive never had anyone suggest it.

They sound revolting OP. I would be going low or no contact and with attitudes like that wouldn't want either of my kids around them.

Your partner sounds like a spineless doormat too. Id be angry at him for not calling them out on it at the time as its an appalling thing to say.