Confused over parent in laws comments over our blended family holiday!

[Itsalittlewetout]

Just wanted some opinions on this as it’s left me a bit confused.

Basically I have a blended family. Oldest was 4 when got with my partner and is now 9, youngest is 2. Oldest has contact every other weekend with her dad. He was abusive and I can’t imagine he has changed although he has another relationship.

Anyways we visited the in-laws and told them about our family holiday we’ve booked and that it’s with both kids. They looked visibly irritated. Said that the oldest will be having a family holiday with her dad (gets 2 weeks in hols) so why does she need to go with us also. We should have booked ours when she was with her dad and only took youngest.

I don’t get what they are trying to say. It’s our family holiday and she is part of our family. I want to go with her and have the memories with her. She is closer to me the her dad who she does get a bit scared of. I literally couldn’t go without her and she know that we’ve had a family holiday without her.

Well thank goodness your little girl isn't 'really' related to such thick, unkind people. Not many children would trade having two bedrooms, two Christmases and two holidays for two parents living together. I wonder why children don't see all the advantages when your in-laws can?

Whilst she is a part of your family, she was inserted in to theirs without a choice.

They don’t see her as family which is a completely normal thing but those thoughts should be kept to themselves and they should smile and be polite and warming when seeing you and your daughter.

It’s not that they don’t see your eldest as part of their family.

They don’t see your eldest as part of their son’s family.

You can easily extrapolate what they think of you, too.

What are they like at times like Christmas OP? Do they treat the children equally, or do they spoil the youngest and barely acknowledge the eldest?

they are really unpleasant. At first I wondered if perhaps they were coming on this holiday, and could sort of understand that they might not want a child they don't think of as having any relationship with them on "their" holiday - still cruel and unpleasant but an opinion they're entitled to have. Then double checked your post and they aren't even going! So it has no impact on them whatsoever!
That is incredibly mean.

I agree with the posters saying you should have a word with your DH. You don't have to tell him to kick off with his parents, but it's not unreasonable to tell them they made this comment, you find it incredibly rude and you'd prefer it if he had a word with them to make sure that, regardless of their opinion, they don't say something like that again in your (and particularly dd's) hearing. Tell him it's up to him whether he wants to say something or you will, but your version probably won't be as polite.

They're entitled to not think of your dd as their dgd but there's no excuse to be actively cruel towards a young child.

And I wouldn't be going above and beyond to organise any visits with them in the future. He can take charge of that. I'm not saying stopping them seeing your younger DC but you don't have to be the one organising it.

If they’d have said summer holiday rather than family holiday — she’s already getting a summer holiday with her dad — that would have made some sort of sense (not saying I would agree with the sentiment!) but to say she’s already getting a family holiday is ridiculous. Yes, her parents are divorced, so she has TWO families. Getting a family holiday with her dad is not the same as having a family holiday with her mum… If she has one, is she not allowed the other?? I mean, it’s one thing for them not to think of her as their GD, but to suggest she’s not part of her own family seems a whole other level…

I certainly couldn't welcome anyone with their views to come on holiday when they might treat the children differently

It's none of their business. Nasty pair. I would cut down on contact with them.

Are your in-laws coming on holiday with you?

ETA I've just seen your post confirming that your in-laws aren't coming with you. It's absolutely none of their business and a really horrible thing to say about your daughter. They think that now you have a child with their son, all your attention should be on them and not your daughter. They sound toxic and I would drastically reduce the time I spent with them.

What a bitch your MIL is. What sort of adult is deliberately mean to and about a nine year old child? You need to firmly tell her that you are a 'proper' family and if she doesn't agree, she doesn't need to visit and you won't need to visit her.

What an exclusive toxic way of thinking. I could never think like they do.

Please don't ever suggest this now that you know they don't see your DD as part of the family

You tell your MIL very forcefully and sternly that you are a normal family and your daughter is an integral part of that family and she will be going on every family holiday with you. Your MIL, on the other hand, will never be invited as you don't consider her a part of your family.

Wow!

Toxic step gran Alert!

When someone shows you who they are believe them! We now know who you are!

I suppose the bottom line is that we hope people are kind and decent but we can hope all we want as it doesn’t actually change what people think. I’m quite saddened I suppose that deep down this is what they think about us as a family. They aren’t our supporters. I wonder if they want us to fail as a family deep
down because we aren’t good enough for their image.

It's not bizarre at all. She isn't their grandchild so why should they think of her as one?

If my child divorced and got together with someone with a child, no way would I feel passionately about that child the way I do about my actual grandchild. It would also be very disrespectful to their actual grandparents. Of course I'd be kind but I certainly wouldn't be giving them the same value presents or putting them in my Will etc.

However, as regards your holiday arrangements with your own children, it's none of their business and they should keep quiet about their feelings. It would be a different matter if they were funding the holiday( which is what I thought you were going to say) but as they aren't they shouldn't comment. If they carry on then tell them that as you and husband are paying for the holiday it's up to you who goes on it and you want both your children to holiday together.

Her great grandparents from partners side treat her the same and view her the same as she was only 4. They are lovely and they have the benefit of the love of a lovely 9 year old who we visit often. It’s all gain in my eyes.

I’m not sure he wants to speak up to his parents.

It doesn’t sound like you want to speak up to anyone (including him) yourself, OP. You’re coming across as very passive.

I think you do need to talk to your partner about this. He might not feel comfortable talking but it’s something you have to discuss.
I would also wonder if he isn’t talkative because of his parents. What was his childhood like? Do you have to see them as much?

I can never understand gp's who refuse to accept a child upon marriage. I've got the best in-laws in the world. Even before I married their son they were so kind to my DC. They treated them exactly the same as their other GC. They were given birthday and Xmas gifts and cards, Easter eggs and invited to spend a week with them without me and DH in summer holidays. GP live by the seaside so my kids absolutely loved to go. MiL and Fil took a week off from work and took them out somewhere nice everyday. DS's used to love to go crabbing with their little nets with Fil. MiL cooked all their favourite foods for them too. My DC didn't have a Grandad before this so loved having one. Now my kids are grown up but still remember and love their dgp's. Both DS's drive to see Mil who is still alive and 85 this year. One DS drives over 120 miles each way to visit her. Fil now sadly died. MiL gets a visit from my DS's separately 3 or 4 times a year from each. They usually take her a bunch of flowers too or a box of chocolates. Your in-laws will get old and be lonely with fewer DGC to visit than they could have. I didn't have any DC with second DH and in-laws never made comment on it they just referred to my DC as our dgc. Your in-laws sound mean and have no right to try to stop you taking your DC on holiday. I'd be furious and tell them my DC is part of our family. We have 2 DC, why would we leave 1 DC out?

Don't ever invite these nasty in-laws in holiday with you. My In-laws were always welcome to come for a couple of weeks family holiday with DH, me and kids because they were so nice to them. MiL spent hours walking up and down the beach looking for special shells with them and often offered to babysit them in evening so DH and I could go for a romantic meal. If ever she treats your older DC differently to younger one I'd complain. I know for a fact my MiL has even included my DS's from previous marriage in her will. They are to receive the same amount as other genetic dgc. My DH is executor and she's given him a copy. One of the many reasons why I've never had a cross word with my in-laws in 20 years of marriage.

This.

My son married a lovely woman who had two small children, and they have since had another child. All three are my grandchildren and are treated exactly the same and bring us all a lot of joy.

There's nothing to be gained from not opening your heart to all the young children in your life, no matter how they arrived there.

Sorry @Itsalittlewetoutbut your DH sounds like a wet wipe. I get he was busy sorting a work thing at the time it was said, but ‘not being a talky person’ is not a good enough reason not to stand up for your wife and kids. Like a PP said, what a prick, a pathetic one of you ask me. That would give me the instant ick. Eugh

Well they have shown their true colours and have told you what they think of your DD. It’s not a conversation I’d ever be able to get past to be honest