Confused over parent in laws comments over our blended family holiday!

[Itsalittlewetout]

Just wanted some opinions on this as it’s left me a bit confused.

Basically I have a blended family. Oldest was 4 when got with my partner and is now 9, youngest is 2. Oldest has contact every other weekend with her dad. He was abusive and I can’t imagine he has changed although he has another relationship.

Anyways we visited the in-laws and told them about our family holiday we’ve booked and that it’s with both kids. They looked visibly irritated. Said that the oldest will be having a family holiday with her dad (gets 2 weeks in hols) so why does she need to go with us also. We should have booked ours when she was with her dad and only took youngest.

I don’t get what they are trying to say. It’s our family holiday and she is part of our family. I want to go with her and have the memories with her. She is closer to me the her dad who she does get a bit scared of. I literally couldn’t go without her and she know that we’ve had a family holiday without her.

Says a lot more about them than it does you. Hope you have a fabulous holiday.

They are not looking in to this on the love/memories perspective. They are looking that their grandchild only has one holiday meanwhile the step grandchild is having two holidays.
None of their business in any case. But they look to me jealous of your older kid.
You and your husband need to cut this shit quickly before they start comparing the materialistic stuff and making it a competition between the kids.

It’s appalling. My elder dds are not treated exactly same as ds by my nlaws (6 and 8 when we met been together 17 years) but they have always included them and expected them to be a part of family events.

Even if you care more for your blood grandchildren than your step grandchildren, why the hell would you mention it? Just keep your thoughts to yourself and treat them all the same.....very unkind not to.

What else is this parenting forum for if not to hash out some of the difficulties we can experience within our family units...including in-laws?

Think your words are harsh. The OP knows her in-laws remember? You may have a wade-in-and-confront approach to your in-laws, the OP doesn't. Don't criticise her for that. It would be very unlikely to have any impact on their attitude anyway.

Cool, cool. Glad that works for you.

How mean spirited your in-laws are.
I think it’s disgusting.
Foxtrot Oscar to them frankly.

I was the step-grandchild, and the first GC in the family.

They (GP and aunts/uncles) adored me - included me in everything, and also spent lots of quality time with me on my own.

In the end, one of them took me in and raised me, along with my sibling, their bio relative.

Being on MN has really opened my eyes to just how lucky I was to have them.

I completely understand that not everyone chooses to behave that way towards a non bio child of the family, but to grudge a child a holiday, bought and paid for by her mother, with her mother, and have the actual brass neck to question her mother, is beyond comprehension.

I wouldn’t be bothering with them after this, and your DP should be ashamed of them.

I’ve been in this situation, but as the step grandma. My adult DC’s spouse had two children of primary school age- we treated them just like any other child of the family, presents at Christmas and birthdays, they stayed over at Christmas, went on joint family weekends away and trips out.
I wouldn’t have dreamed of suggesting they should be left out and if I had would have been firmly put in my place and quite rightly so!

They called us by our names- they had other grandparents in their lives but I hope they always felt welcome!

It is difficult because you probably don’t want to cut off your DH or other child from them, but I think your DH (or if not you) need to nip this in the bud.
If there is anything else along these lines they need to be told to 1/ but out, it’s non of their business how many holidays your children have and 2/ you and DH have two children in the family and you treat them both the equally and they should do the same.

If they won’t, just back off.

Out of interest could they be resentful towards any financial set up that your blended family has at all? Is their son paying to take the step child on holiday for example? This could be the tip of the iceberg if it’s a financial issue is what I’m thinking. Have they voiced concerns about their son having gotten into a relationship with someone who had a child from a previous relationship before at all?

None of what you have said is any of their business. What he does and doesn’t pay for is his business. I own the home we love in. They should be proud of him because he is a great person.

Your DH should still be defending you and your eldest. Like I said above, him not being ‘a talky person’ is no excuse. It doesn’t cut it I’m afraid. He needs to step up

Not saying it is but it won’t change their feelings on the issue. If they had any financial concerns regarding things like this it could be a bigger issue brewing ie inheritance

I don’t need their money as I own my own house, almost 80% paid now. I’ve made provisions for my children. But yeah money causes issues in many family’s.

"You're seriously asking me why my daughter is included in my family holiday? We have very different parenting styles if you would leave one of your children out".

Fuck them. Seriously, I would stop bothering with them now they've shown their true colours. If your spineless husband wants a relationship with them he can arrange it all. I would have nothing to do with them

Op theres one thing them just not loving her the same.. which ok is their own issue but their comments are disgusting and vile. Imagine being so disgusting you begrudge a child having a holiday with her mum because shes already had a holiday. Seriously op wise up! Your daughter is your blood and your partner is with you knowing you had a child so I don't want to hear this nonsense that shes any lesser then the rest of you are in that family.

Duplicate

I’ve just come to the conclusion that my in-laws are emotionally redundant. I’m not too sure what their thinking is or why but I know they aren’t my kind of people. Blood is thicker than water with these people I find. Unfortunately we won’t have much of a relationship so hopefully they won’t need anything from me or my kids in the future. It’s a bit shit when you realise what people really are and you stop seeing the good in them.

Yes! Wasn’t it lucky he just had to sort out this work issue at that exact time!? I had a relative like this…horrible mother, who would say the most awful things to people and even although he was in the same room at the time he ‘never heard it!’

OP, you need to tackle this leaving absolutely no room for confusion.

Your DD, who is already suffering more than anyone because of the court mandated time with father and also by being away from you for longer than your youngest, will ABSOLUTELY be already picking up that your DPs parents don't think she's a real member of the family.

Because she is a child and lacks the psychological sophistication to make a distinction, she will likely believe that your DP by association, and possibly you by association, also believe that she's not a real member of the family.

She will be too scared to mention it to you for fear of hearing that it is true.

You absolutely need to act to protect her.

Do not brush this under the carpet.

As an aside, your PILs have shown themselves to be heartless cunts and this will not be the last time (or likely the first, I expect you are a nice person with poor boundaries) they behave as such.

You are.

Any children of my children (however arrived) are my grandchildren

Of course they won’t love her the same as they love their grandchildren, but why on earth is it their business you you take on YOUR holiday? Do you dictate to them who they spend their holidays with?

They definitely don’t like the fact dh is raising your child that’s obvious. I am in a second marriage and met dh when my two were young. He’s supported them financially and treated them the same as his own. If his mum had even hinted her displeasure I would have had no relationship with her.

What a stupid thing to say. She's your child. Of course she'll go on holiday with you. Imagine how heartbroken she'd be if you didn't take her and I'm sure her little sister would be devastated.