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Original poster

Confused over parent in laws comments over our blended family holiday!

148 replies

Itsalittlewetout · 20/07/2025 10:16

Just wanted some opinions on this as it’s left me a bit confused.

Basically I have a blended family. Oldest was 4 when got with my partner and is now 9, youngest is 2. Oldest has contact every other weekend with her dad. He was abusive and I can’t imagine he has changed although he has another relationship.

Anyways we visited the in-laws and told them about our family holiday we’ve booked and that it’s with both kids. They looked visibly irritated. Said that the oldest will be having a family holiday with her dad (gets 2 weeks in hols) so why does she need to go with us also. We should have booked ours when she was with her dad and only took youngest.

I don’t get what they are trying to say. It’s our family holiday and she is part of our family. I want to go with her and have the memories with her. She is closer to me the her dad who she does get a bit scared of. I literally couldn’t go without her and she know that we’ve had a family holiday without her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsalittlewetout · 20/07/2025 11:23

ForZanyAquaViewer · 20/07/2025 11:20

the mum said something about us not being a “proper family” in the normal sense

How (and why) was your response to that not fury? You ‘tried to explain’? WTF? This woman told you that you weren’t a proper family, disrespected your family unit and expects you to treat your child like a second class citizen. Why are you tolerating this?

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I was a bit shocked to be honest. She didn’t word it like this. I can’t remember the exact wording but the basis was that we aren’t like a normal family with kids from the same parents so we shouldn’t be trying to act like one. She gets one family holiday with her dad so that should be enough. Family holiday ✅

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 20/07/2025 11:24

Itsalittlewetout · 20/07/2025 11:23

I was a bit shocked to be honest. She didn’t word it like this. I can’t remember the exact wording but the basis was that we aren’t like a normal family with kids from the same parents so we shouldn’t be trying to act like one. She gets one family holiday with her dad so that should be enough. Family holiday ✅

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My reaction remains the same. I would not tolerate this and I don’t think you should.

Qoopwhooping · 20/07/2025 11:26

They need to fuck off and keep their faces out of business that’s not theirs.

Anxioustealady · 20/07/2025 11:26

Itsalittlewetout · 20/07/2025 11:23

I was a bit shocked to be honest. She didn’t word it like this. I can’t remember the exact wording but the basis was that we aren’t like a normal family with kids from the same parents so we shouldn’t be trying to act like one. She gets one family holiday with her dad so that should be enough. Family holiday ✅

Show quote history

Maybe you could say something like "well we're all happier when she's there/we're together", not really something she can argue with. It's also nice for your daughter to hear that response if she was around. I would have been furious at what she said.

Puddingpiper · 20/07/2025 11:29

They could have kept their opinions to themselves. They don’t see the DC as their DGC and that is fine but I would
make it clear that they are part of your family even if not considered part of theirs. They are unreasonable to have said what they said but 12 years into stepparenting you realise that everyone has an opinion and many you won’t agree with. Insanity lays in trying to change their outlook.

Original poster
Itsalittlewetout · 20/07/2025 11:34

Puddingpiper · 20/07/2025 11:29

They could have kept their opinions to themselves. They don’t see the DC as their DGC and that is fine but I would
make it clear that they are part of your family even if not considered part of theirs. They are unreasonable to have said what they said but 12 years into stepparenting you realise that everyone has an opinion and many you won’t agree with. Insanity lays in trying to change their outlook.

yes that is what I’ve taken away from it. They have their opinion but I think it’s a shit one so I’ll ignore it. They’ve just gone down in my books.

OP posts:
Dancingintherainxxx · 20/07/2025 11:35

Bizzare they don't see her ad their granddaughter and they have known her years. Nasty people how upsetting.

Puddingpiper · 20/07/2025 11:38

@Dancingintherainxxxif you head to the step parenting board frequently they would get blasted for overstepping boundaries if they did treat her fully as a grand child. That does not make what they said correct.

Endofyear · 20/07/2025 11:43

I would tell them sharply that it's none of their business! And that you have two children, they are siblings and want to go on holiday together. I'd also tell your partner that his parents are out of order.

ginasevern · 20/07/2025 11:43

I'm more concerned that your DD is scared of her dad. I presume she has good reason to be? But your IL's comment was outrageous and your DH is a prick to allow this to continue. It's no good speaking to them, they'll never "get it". Your DH must protect his family from these pernicious comments and put a stop to it, now. This will potentially damage your child.

Zempy · 20/07/2025 11:44

None of their fucking business.

I would be distancing myself…

Bonbon21 · 20/07/2025 11:58

Well its handy to know their 'family' boundaries .... as they get older and less independent....
As yiu are obviously not 'real' family either they won't be looking to you for any support..
You reap what you sow in this life.

Sh291 · 20/07/2025 11:59

Anxioustealady · 20/07/2025 10:36

Oh yes "even more extra benefits" of... presents maybe and potentially holidays, from a father who abused her mother and she's scared of, that she sees every other weekend.

Do you really think a child would choose that over having both parents together at home with her, who presumably aren't abusive? OPs younger daughter has much more advantages, and she'll have them her whole life.

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I never implied anyone would CHOOSE this.

Notquitegrownup2 · 20/07/2025 12:00

Are you married op? Hopefully if so your dd1 was fully involved in the wedding and your dh made it very clear that you were becoming a family that day.

If not, I would want to explore with him how he understands 'family'. His parents have made it clear that your dd is not part of their family. To me, that would also mean that I am not part of their family.

Has he absorbed any of their attitudes growing up? How does he feel having a child who is accepted by his parents and a partner and child who is not. Is that how he wants to live his life - or if not, how does he intend on moving forward with this situation in future?

spotddog · 20/07/2025 12:00

I would speak with DP about this. A conversation needs to be had with them. DP needs to be very clear about your family unit.

Original poster
Itsalittlewetout · 20/07/2025 12:01

Bonbon21 · 20/07/2025 11:58

Well its handy to know their 'family' boundaries .... as they get older and less independent....
As yiu are obviously not 'real' family either they won't be looking to you for any support..
You reap what you sow in this life.

I don’t get this “real” family thing. We are family in my eyes. What makes a family is not blood it’s empathy and love. I’ve got friends
more family than this, they would never leave a child out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsalittlewetout · 20/07/2025 12:04

spotddog · 20/07/2025 12:00

I would speak with DP about this. A conversation needs to be had with them. DP needs to be very clear about your family unit.

I go by his actions as he isn’t a very talky man. He has never implied in anyway by the way he acts that we aren’t a family. He pays, he does pick ups, he changes his shifts for us. He’s never asked to go on holiday alone. He has sometimes asked to go without either of them, which we have so we can have some alone time. I’m not sure he wants to speak up to his parents. I think he just thinks they are what they are and it won’t change them.

OP posts:
BufferingAgain · 20/07/2025 12:05

Wanting to deny a nine year old a holiday with her Mummy - what a pair of thick arseholes.

Snorlaxo · 20/07/2025 12:10

I hope that your children don’t hear comments like you’re not a proper family. It’s damaging enough that they won’t hear their (step)dad defending the family unit but you should.
They only get an opinion on the holiday if they are paying

godmum56 · 20/07/2025 12:31

I think that what you can do is just not tell them stuff like that and not give them the opportunity to express those views. I am not sure how much control your partner will have over what his parents say or do, but a calm private conversation with him would be a good idea?

violetcuriosity · 20/07/2025 12:34

urgh this has got me, I have the same situation with an older Dd then 2 year old dd with new partner. What the fuck has it got to do with them?!

99bottlesofkombucha · 20/07/2025 12:35

I think I’d call and say I was so upset by what you said yesterday, imagine saying my own 9yo daughter isn’t my proper family. I can only imagine you don’t think dh is your proper family either since he’s only your child and that doesn’t seem to count, so I’ll have to adjust my expectations and behaviours. We won’t be coming round this weekend, it’s precious family time we need to keep for proper family. you can’t expect anything different if you think my child isn’t my proper family.
id be happy to burn bridges here.

Crushed23 · 20/07/2025 12:40

Meadowfinch · 20/07/2025 10:27

Nasty, selfish and ignorant in-laws who don't like that you have an elder daughter, and that their son is helping raise her.

Honestly, what kind of a mum would you be to leave your child out of the family fun?

Tell them quite clearly that your dd is part of your family and you would never dream of leaving her out. Note that they are not your elder daughter's friends and never leave her in their care.

This.

What on earth was going through their head? How could they possibly expect you to exclude your daughter from your family holiday? And what is this obsession with ‘fairness’ and each child only having one holiday each. I’m from a big family and there were instances where not all of us were taken on certain trips due to, for example, one having exams to revise for, or being at summer camp. No big deal. Your PILs sound bonkers, to be honest.

Goldbar · 20/07/2025 12:45

"What a bizarre thing to say. I'm not going on holiday with only one of my kids".

End of.

pizzaHeart · 20/07/2025 12:49

Itsalittlewetout · 20/07/2025 11:03

No they aren’t coming. They would be more than welcome to but it’s not something that’s been proposed.

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I would actually make a mental note never to invite them on your holiday, and wouldn’t tell anyone about it but just would cut any conversations in these directions. You won’t be able to have a nice family holiday with them as they see your oldest so differently.
And I would be careful what you tell them in general about your family life.