Husband is financially controlling me

[ChattyChai]

I posted yesterday in AIBU and was advised to post on this board, so here goes.

My husband and I have 4 children, our eldest are 23 and our youngest is 12. We got married when I was 18 and he was 20, because that’s what our parents said had to happen, I got pregnant at 16. I know, I know - I don’t need criticism for that.

Since then, I really struggled for work until our youngest was 2. I was in and out of jobs, did open university courses and eventually qualified as a solicitor. For the last ten years I’ve worked up to be an associate, but it’s been slow going. I’ve faced a lot of outright sexism, knocked back because of the time I took out of work with our children for childcare and I’m only on £35k now.

ive recently got a new job in the NHS, because I just can’t stay in the law. The sexism, the lack of professionalism, the lack of progression, working myself to the bone to make money for other people.

My husband is earning 2-3 times what I do, depending on commissions and bonuses. We split finances as follows:

50% of each income into the joint account. This pays bills, the mortgage, my husband’s golf membership etc. he says the golf membership needs to come from the joint account as it allows him to “network”, but won’t allow childcare to come from this as it allows me to work, so it’s my responsibility. Anything left over gets split - 50% to joint savings, 50% to his personal savings.

20% into savings. 15% to joint savings, 5% to solo.

He uses his other 30% as spending money, a lot of mine goes to things like before and after school clubs to allow me to work full time, everything for our children like bus passes, school lunches, school trips. He doesn’t contribute at all.

Because of the school spending I’m regularly going into my savings and spending more than I bring in some months. I don’t have a huge pension, because I spent about five years out of work because childcare was unaffordable to me. Taking a step back, I can see just how uneven it is, but I also couldn’t afford anything on my own. I brought it up to him last night and he basically said that if I wanted to be financially independent I could start paying for everything myself and “get a real job”.

Now I’ve written to out, I just don’t know what to do next. I can advise clients all the time, but I’m absolutely sure I wouldn’t be able to afford it if he moved out and stopped paying his share.

Divorce - you’ll make it work - he’ll have to pay child care, you’ll get half his pension up to the date of divorce and probably end up with more at the end of the day

I can’t afford to leave him, the mortgage and bills alone would take up pretty much my entire income. He’s said he’s happy to stop paying and leave, but that I won’t see a penny from him. I asked him last night if we can re-adjust the %s we contribute and he said no

We have been sold that 50/50 means equal. It's the biggest lie.

Don't put your money into anything joint until this is resolved. Negotiate based on proportions. Require savings you've contributed to to be returned with interest.

If you cannot do that, if he will not hear you or you are frightened then you have your answer and follow the first responders suggestion.

Just start paying for all the children’s stuff from the joint account?
I don’t understand how you end up with 4 older children and just plod along thinking every single expense for them is on you?
Start paying for everything, school club, bus passes etc on the joint account from today and think about whether you want to be with this man or if you would be happier without.

In leaving him he will have to contribute for the children. So you won't be covering everything. He will have to split the savings. They always say they won't pay. That alone tells you how much regard he has for you.

Yes you may have to adjust but currently your pay is lining his pockets. Not yours.

You are conditioning your children to repeat this in their own lives. Treat their partners badly or be treated badly themselves.

I’ve asked, he says no. If I set up direct debits etc he will just cancel them again and then it ends up going unpaid - because he doesn’t tell me that he’s cancelled it. Last time I tried it was embarrassing, our youngest son was told he couldn’t attend his clubs because I’d not paid.

Yes, just start paying for kids from the joint account. They are a joint responsibility. Though presumably none of the kids are still in wrap around care? And are you still supporting the 23yo?

not supporting the eldest two - they’ve both moved out. 12 year old still does morning/afternoon clubs because it’s what he prefers and it’s preferable to him coming home to an empty house in my opinion

So the obvious immediate howler for me, is childcare.

50% of childcare should be paid by him because it allows him to work. So childcare comes from the joint pot.

That’s before you get into the golf, the 50% contribution from someone who earns much more etc.

Hmm. Seen your update. Honestly I’d change the rules unilaterally in a way that works more equally. He’s not in charge! You should be a partnership.

He says it doesn’t because if we didn’t pay for childcare, I’d just have to cut my hours or not work again. He sees it as me “paying” him back for the years I didn’t work and we lived off his income alone.

Divorce him. You’ll get more than 50 percent of assets and he’ll have to pay child maintenance, plus you’ll get child benefits and maybe UC. Run the numbers and see a solicitor.

also stop doing anything for him, housework, cooking etc. this man is evil, depriving his wife and children.

Your 12 year old will stop childcare very soon trust me they all do! It’s not a long term problem

Well plenty of women support themselves. Your two older children can support themselves. Hell have to pay maintenance for the younger ones. You’ll have to move to a smaller house. Sounds far preferable to the current situation.

is he being physically violent? Some women stay because of understandable fear - but some women stay as some off form of self punishment

You can contact the Financial Support helpline.
https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/what-we-do/financial-support-line/

There's lots of information on the website and you can also contact the National Domestic Abuse helpline who are available 24/7. I would gather all financial information and see a family law solicitor for advice. You may need a forensic accountant.

I think you’ll find many people on your wage live quite well, especially when a single parent with universal credit.

You are choosing to continue to live with this dickhead when you have other options. Get yourself on https://www.entitledto.co.uk and rightmove and a local solicitors and the Child Maintenance Service https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service

Presumably the mortgage is some way to being paid at this point. And you don’t need a house for six people but enough space for three.

If you split, your half should give you some equity towards a place that is big enough. And you must be only 40ish - so plenty of time to earn more in future. I can’t see how you stay with someone who treats you like this.

Stop paying so much into joint account set up DD in your own account he can't cancel those.

As for saying that you won't get a penny he must really hate you so the marriage is dead.

You need a solicitor fast. But don't tell him play along nicely until your solicitor has all the information re his finances.

Honestly, divorce. You'll probably be better off BUT you would have to agree to move house.

So, is the house you live in more important to you than your happiness/your children learning about healthy relationships/your future security?

BTW - he wants to split too.

Fuck’s sake. He is an abusive arse. You are supposed to be a team. He should have been paying 50% of all childcare and child-related expenses - they are his kids too.

I’d advise you get advice from a good lawyer. Most do free half-hour sessions. I’d also talk to Women’s Aid - they will be able to advise you too.

Keep posting on here for support. You deserve so much better.

This.
Pay for the kids things from your own account and stop contributing to the joint account at all. He can't control that.

I’m going to organise a session with one of the family solicitors in the team here, hopefully before I leave.

I would stop paying into the joint account but he would happily let us fall into default with everything just to take me down, I think.

I’d be telling him - the finances are managed more fairly or I’ll be seeking legal advice.

With even half decent solicitor you’ll have half of everything plus probably maintenance for children. No prenup and you’ve been together most of your adult lives, you’ve taken on the lions share of childcare and household tasks to allow him to focus on his career. Everything you have - the house, the savings (regardless of whose name they are in) are marital assets.

Gather all financial documentation and see a competent family solicitor.

Get a valuation for the house and work out what kind of accommodation you’ll be able to afford with your share.

What you want to do professionally is a separate issue which you can park until you have a clearer idea of your future.

The child care and after school activities enable you both to work. Unless he is wants to collect the children from school, childcare is a joint expense, as it would be if you divorced and went 50:50.

When he refers to golf as networking, I assume that means he is self employed because corporate networking events are paid for by employers. If he is using it as a sales and marketing tool for his own business, it should be paid for from his business account.

Does he suggest you get a proper job because he believes you have taken a job that is way below your ability, easy and low paid so you don’t have to work hard and pull your weight financially? If there’s any truth in that, he may have a point. But surely he would have discussed that with you before you took the job.

He seems way more interested in money than having a good relationship with his wife and children.