Husband is financially controlling me

[ChattyChai]

I posted yesterday in AIBU and was advised to post on this board, so here goes.

My husband and I have 4 children, our eldest are 23 and our youngest is 12. We got married when I was 18 and he was 20, because that’s what our parents said had to happen, I got pregnant at 16. I know, I know - I don’t need criticism for that.

Since then, I really struggled for work until our youngest was 2. I was in and out of jobs, did open university courses and eventually qualified as a solicitor. For the last ten years I’ve worked up to be an associate, but it’s been slow going. I’ve faced a lot of outright sexism, knocked back because of the time I took out of work with our children for childcare and I’m only on £35k now.

ive recently got a new job in the NHS, because I just can’t stay in the law. The sexism, the lack of professionalism, the lack of progression, working myself to the bone to make money for other people.

My husband is earning 2-3 times what I do, depending on commissions and bonuses. We split finances as follows:

50% of each income into the joint account. This pays bills, the mortgage, my husband’s golf membership etc. he says the golf membership needs to come from the joint account as it allows him to “network”, but won’t allow childcare to come from this as it allows me to work, so it’s my responsibility. Anything left over gets split - 50% to joint savings, 50% to his personal savings.

20% into savings. 15% to joint savings, 5% to solo.

He uses his other 30% as spending money, a lot of mine goes to things like before and after school clubs to allow me to work full time, everything for our children like bus passes, school lunches, school trips. He doesn’t contribute at all.

Because of the school spending I’m regularly going into my savings and spending more than I bring in some months. I don’t have a huge pension, because I spent about five years out of work because childcare was unaffordable to me. Taking a step back, I can see just how uneven it is, but I also couldn’t afford anything on my own. I brought it up to him last night and he basically said that if I wanted to be financially independent I could start paying for everything myself and “get a real job”.

Now I’ve written to out, I just don’t know what to do next. I can advise clients all the time, but I’m absolutely sure I wouldn’t be able to afford it if he moved out and stopped paying his share.

It’s referred to as working in ‘the law’. If you don’t know what you’re talking about, then don’t correct people.

This bears repeating. Do not tip your hand. He is punishing you for the early pregnancy and the early marriage. He has been complicit in your family’s abuse of you—forcing you to marry at 18–since the beginning. Money and forcing you into the role of house and child servant are just the way he does that.

I agree that divorce is the only way forward. Read up on divorcing a narcissist or on “high conflict” divorces as that will give you insight and ammunition into the fight ahead. Get quick information from your family lawyer acquaintance but only hire someone very experienced with scorched earth type husbands. Because you need a real fighter to fight this divorce. However you will definitely come out ahead as you will have ownership of your own assets and will not be subsidizing his golf.

This is really poor advice
Pensions are an absolute minefield that need absolutely specialist advice

Is he self employed or employed
if he is self employed forget about child support as he will probably say he earns 0 or takes dividends

even if he is employed he’s the sort of asshole who would demand 50 -50 and pay no child support and not do 50 -50

so honestly I wouldn’t factor child support into any money for the future

go for his pension and a share of the house equity and Savings

and once you are 100 percent sure your going to get divorced take your share of any savings and put into a seperate account that he can’t access

make sure your credit rating is good and if you can save some money in cash and make sure your in financially stable as much as possible - cos he is gonna play dirty

when you do the shopping get cash back so it won’t show and stash it on your locker in work

despite the urge to pay for everything on cards a nice little stash of cash will make you feel wonderful 😂

do this before you tell him anything because he won’t be happy or play fair

I'm in a very similar situation. All I can offer is my sympathy. I'm totally trapped, I couldn't survive on my own.

The partner who’s head of family has said she’ll sit down be with me and have a chat after lunch. On my lunch I’m going to pop to the bank (not the one we bank with jointly) and set up an account, and then cash in some of the premium bonds I’ve inherited and draw that out as cash, to stash away somewhere

This! Not sure on @ChattyChai your PQE or area of law, but you are massively underpaid. Well done @ChattyChai you've done amazingly well. I too did Open Uni, came into law late and qualified as a solicitor. I'm now on £67k at 4PQE. You only really get pay increases and promotions if you leave. Firms will use any reason to pay you less if they can. It sounds like you are in a small firm, even Local Authority pays more than £35k.

Your 12 year old doesn't need wrap around care unless SEN.

Your "D"H is a dickhead.

Happy if you want to DM me.

I would have cancelled it already. He is an abusive bastard, it’s as simple as that. Divorce him.

meant to say you have been with him 20 odd years so a few more months even a year preparing yourself so your in the best position won’t matter

treat it like a mission
get everything from you’re and the kids passports to driving licences ,copies of bank accounts and mortgage papers

if you wanted to you could use clear score and check his credit file it will show any bank accounts / loans ( and it’s free ) and he won’t know ( just in case he’s hiding money )

oh and when you leave take those golf clubs and sell them or fuck it give them away

me I would do a Den Watts and hand the
fucker the divorce papers on Christmas Day like in Eastenders 😂

What a lovely way to kick OP when she is down. Surely you realise that living with a man like her husband has sucked all the confidence out of her so that she is always second guessing herself.

Your contribution is just spiteful. Despite getting pregnant by this prince of a man at 16 she has still managed to educate herself and qualify as a solicitor. That is a great achievement.

I got to here:

“…but won’t allow childcare to come from [the joint account] as it allows me to work”

It also allows him to work. Why can’t he pay for it?

he tells me that the options are I pay for it, or I don’t work

@ChattyChai Is there some kind of cultural thing going on here as well. I’m just getting that feeling - very much you as ‘second class’ and a feeling you just accepted this ludicrous system of savings whereby your savings are joint - his aren’t??

My blood boils for you OP. You are being financially abused. Why doesn’t he stay at home with the kids?? Such an arse. Please leave this awful man and take more than 50% of all his money. He will be in for a big surprise. He thinks you’ll never leave him and is thus abusing you.

Would your parents be supportive if you leave him? I'm expecting you to say no as they and his parents pretty much coerced you into marriage at 18 but hopefully they would be concerned about how your husband is treating you.

Do you have access to the joint account? I'd just be transferring the childcare cost out of the account into yours every month, he can't cancel those.

Or take it out as cash and put it in yours.

Then stop putting your money into joint savings and build up a runaway fund.

Stop having sex with him too if you are, just for shits n giggles.

Nothing cultural as such, our parents are just very religious. As soon as I turned 18, we were to marry.

I really don’t know. They’re still very religious, but they do have divorced friends etc.

You need to accept you'll need to sell and move to a smaller property. Honestly it will feel awful but it will be so worth it when it's yours and nothing to do with him. You don't need space for the older kids as they presumably are at the point of leaving home

Exactly my thoughts that was

Stop contributing to joint savings, tell him you can't afford it right now and you'll start again when the childcare costs end.

But you're not going to be able to stay in that house I don't think. He'll need to pay maintenance but he'll probably be an arse about it.

You definitely need to speak.to a solicitor and get a plan going. All we need sometimes is a plan and how to execute it.

If he did that I'd cancel his golf membership. Two can play that game

I'm actually shocked that he said he will leave and that you won't see a penny. What a great role model for your children. I couldn't stay married to a man like that for a minute longer. I'm not one of the LTB brigade and I think people should try everything before ending a marriage especially when there are kids involved but in this case I think you would be wise to look into what your situation could be if you divorced this man and the freedom financially and otherwise that would give you. I suspect you would be much better off in both cases. Good luck

Why are you still with him? Don’t waste another day of your life on this awful man. You will cope , just move to a cheaper place and enjoy a proper life with your children. I wish you the best of luck.

Communicate to him that you feel he's financially controlling you.

Let him know how you would have approached things if the roles are reversed.

This forum will have you believing "Divorce" is the solution is every marital issue. It's not. Some things can actually be worked through.

Then why didn't they insist that you married at 16, given that you were pregnant and they are religious/traditional? Why make you wait 2 years as an 'unmarried mother?'