Husband is financially controlling me

[ChattyChai]

I posted yesterday in AIBU and was advised to post on this board, so here goes.

My husband and I have 4 children, our eldest are 23 and our youngest is 12. We got married when I was 18 and he was 20, because that’s what our parents said had to happen, I got pregnant at 16. I know, I know - I don’t need criticism for that.

Since then, I really struggled for work until our youngest was 2. I was in and out of jobs, did open university courses and eventually qualified as a solicitor. For the last ten years I’ve worked up to be an associate, but it’s been slow going. I’ve faced a lot of outright sexism, knocked back because of the time I took out of work with our children for childcare and I’m only on £35k now.

ive recently got a new job in the NHS, because I just can’t stay in the law. The sexism, the lack of professionalism, the lack of progression, working myself to the bone to make money for other people.

My husband is earning 2-3 times what I do, depending on commissions and bonuses. We split finances as follows:

50% of each income into the joint account. This pays bills, the mortgage, my husband’s golf membership etc. he says the golf membership needs to come from the joint account as it allows him to “network”, but won’t allow childcare to come from this as it allows me to work, so it’s my responsibility. Anything left over gets split - 50% to joint savings, 50% to his personal savings.

20% into savings. 15% to joint savings, 5% to solo.

He uses his other 30% as spending money, a lot of mine goes to things like before and after school clubs to allow me to work full time, everything for our children like bus passes, school lunches, school trips. He doesn’t contribute at all.

Because of the school spending I’m regularly going into my savings and spending more than I bring in some months. I don’t have a huge pension, because I spent about five years out of work because childcare was unaffordable to me. Taking a step back, I can see just how uneven it is, but I also couldn’t afford anything on my own. I brought it up to him last night and he basically said that if I wanted to be financially independent I could start paying for everything myself and “get a real job”.

Now I’ve written to out, I just don’t know what to do next. I can advise clients all the time, but I’m absolutely sure I wouldn’t be able to afford it if he moved out and stopped paying his share.

There’s far more going on than OP is stating I think. If he’s financially abusive to this extent then OP is probably treading on eggshells due to temper or anger outbursts. I don’t honestly think it’s feasible for OP to alter any of the financial set up, given what she’s posted - she says he scrutinises every penny. I think the best thing she can do is gather evidence of the financial abuse and get herself out of there.

@ChattyChaidon’t be too hard on yourself, The wake up call is brutal and one feels so stupid after the fog has lifted. I have been in a 25 year relationship with a gaslighter and a cheater and I always thought our set up is 50/50 only to learn what ludicrous amounts of money were fritted away in affairs. The money I invested into the property more than him - I lost that too in the divorce. I’m a switched on person in a corporate, fast and aggressive industry, no-one would ever believe I allowed myself to be in an abusive narcissistic relationship. I would not have believed it before I start seeing all dots connected. It can happen to anyone, so be gentle with yourself. BUT! Don't freeze with the overwhelming feeling of the situation, you must find a way to claw some of that unevenly taken money back. he is financially abusing you, and financial abuse is not possible without gaslighting, lies, intimidation and coercion. I hope you can free yourself from this situation, well done to your first step by opening up to your work colleague

@ChattyChai
What a Prince
Divorce him and spend your money on what you like

I know you know this OP, but I just want to emphasise that your husband is a genuinely bad man. Like, really bad.

I'm absolutely certain that he doesn't just confine his badness to financial abuse - even if you have been worn down or coerced into believing that the rest of his behaviour is normal, I absolutely bet that it isn't.

You need to get away. Whatever he says about you not seeing a penny from him, he's lying. In advance of telling him that you are leaving, make sure you get as much evidence as you can of his income, savings, assets, pension.

You're still young - you will be so much happier without him.

The op may well realise life will be better without this transactional and controlling husband (who may also be having an affair), but also needs to be aware of how easy it is for high income husbands to hide their assets during a divorce. His savings will disappear. He might also access his pension etc. He will demand the 12 yr old stays with him 3 nights a week so doesn’t have to pay child maintenance. There is a playbook out there.

This isn’t to say don’t LTB, but to understand she might not get access to as much of the family assets as she’s lead to believe.

OMG DIVORCE !!!

And tally up the inequity over the years when you go to see a solicitor

Get a divorce OP. Stay on the lower wage for now.

Once all that’s gone through then it’s time to ramp up your career big time.

I don’t think he is high net worth she said he earns max 3 times her which is less than £100k and he works for someone else so he is on PAYE- hopefully this will means she gets what she is owed.

Re the police once you contact them the cat is out of the bag. I believe @ChattyChai should just take advice from her law firm and no-one else for now.

I don’t know. He’s still not come home, he finished work at 5 so god knows where he’s gone. I’ve taken pictures of every financial document in the house and emailed them to a separate email address to forward on to the solicitor on Monday

He doesn’t pay childcare because it allows YOU to work?! Is he forgetting that he is also a parent and it enables him to work too 🤯🤯 baffling!

Hopefully. However, I’ve known several cases where even lower worth husbands went out of the way to either hide or ensure their ex wives (and children) did not receive fair distribution of family assets. Including men who were the ones having the affair. When it comes to money, many men become extremely vindictive. Women need to know that the legal process only works if both parties play by the rules.

Start taking more money out and squirrelling it away. Take extra out shopping, foods. Your husband is completely financially abusing you. And get that bloody golf membership cancelled out the joint bills. Absolute CF. LTB. You CAN afford to leave him it will just be a different house, different living. You know he will have to pay his way with his child. He relies on u to be there cos he couldn’t actually afford to do it all himself and he knows it. He is not only financially abusing u but mentall ly and emotionally doing so. Please start a secret stash of savings. Put cash away. Keep it with a trusted friend. Just when the time comes and you come to believe in yourself you CAN do it you will need a good start when it Al happens. Ur hubby will use threats (you won’t see a penny) and undermine you (you NEED him). You really don’t. I fking hate men like your husband. You need financial advice asap.

Just to say that I am rooting for you so hard OP! Don't do anything rash. Get all details you can of the financials-he will try to hide as much as possible and you don't want to have to pay for a forensic accountant. You are still so young and you have a great qualification. You will have the opportunity to become a partner. Imagine if you specialized in family law and were able to help women in your position in the future?

I totally get that your world must be reeling but! You are on the front foot and your one precious life is ahead of you. Best of luck l!

I agree but being on PAYE and company pension makes it easier and I hope he doesn’t see it coming so OP can collect the paperwork she needs.

OP
I read your other thread on nail spending etc and I'm furious on your behalf

You said 'I think it’s because he earns nearly double what I do and so he’s been the one supporting the family, at times we were a one income household when the children were little so he sees it as me having to “pay him back” now'

You do realise that women PAY by making their bodies available for pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding and so on, at great personal risk, that this is an extremely vulnerable biological act that a man cannot perform by himself and that it's therefore absolutely normal and fair that the father supports the mother and children for the duration of the dependent period?

It's not about financial 'equality': You do not need to 'pay him back' anything.

THIS ^^

I am so angry on your behalf OP. Sounds like your work is being very supportive, and I am so glad for you. I think these situations are like the frog in the boiling water - it starts off ok, then gets worse so gradually you dont notice it until you boil to death. Good for you for not getting to that point. So sorry, I feel so angry about what he is doing to you.

And OP - Do not give any signs away of what you are doing or planning: Play this extremely cool while you prepare yourself. Fully expect the worst possible behaviour you can imagine once it becomes known you want to divorce him. Research what other vindictive men have done and presume the worst.

Can a spouse empty the bank account before divorce?

If you have a joint bank account, you should set it to require a joint signature, where no one person can withdraw any funds without first obtaining the other’s written consent (some banks do not offer this service so you would need to check this). You should also think about getting your bank or building society to freeze your account. This renders the account unusable by either party and ensures no monies are removed until you have reached a financial settlement. The decision to freeze the account should be balanced against the impact it may have on direct debits leaving the account and the family bills being met, as they will also be frozen

If you have a separate bank account from your ex, then you should change your passwords and log-in details to prevent your ex from withdrawing any funds.

At the very least she should be opening her own bank account and having her wages paid in there while she gets her ducks in a row.

You can do this OP. Start planning and organising, put money away, get bank statements/copies of everything you can re the finances. The past is the past, you deserve way more for the future. I can't imagine how scary it must feel but you're way stronger than you think.

I think the NHS is a good idea and there are lots (and varied) options for promotion.

Good luck x

My experience exactly! Left him after 17 years of financial abuse, stonewalling and gaslighting… I didn’t even know any of these terms then. 3 kids. Earning just £800 pcm, so got some top up from benefits. Felt bad about claiming as he was sitting on a fortune. Luckily I had a decent degree, so eventually resurrected my career. Divorced. Didn’t get anywhere near the financial settlement that was due as he hid most of the assets. Didn’t want to have to accuse him of fraud and drag it through courts, also didn’t want to waste money on a solicitor. It still ended up costing £52k in legal bills. Crap solicitor sadly. But all behind me now. I now have my own house. Kids go to him 50/50. So now he pays half towards the kids and does half the child care (though he mostly gets his sister on this) … though it’s been an uphill battle. He tried every trick in the book to minimise paying anything. He showed his true colours totally during the divorce. Kids are old enough now to hassle him for things they need. They saw early on that he was failing to contribute and now they ask /tell him he needs to pay and they keep on until he funds. I am very happy now. I am much better of financially. Can afford some little luxuries even. Kids are beginning to see what a disappointment he is.

I would add, it’s not easy. Emotionally its hell. Financially it was hideous. But you get through it. You will be in a better place eventually. (It took me 6 years to get on my feet properly). He will end up sad and lonely…My ex H has.