Husband is financially controlling me

[ChattyChai]

I posted yesterday in AIBU and was advised to post on this board, so here goes.

My husband and I have 4 children, our eldest are 23 and our youngest is 12. We got married when I was 18 and he was 20, because that’s what our parents said had to happen, I got pregnant at 16. I know, I know - I don’t need criticism for that.

Since then, I really struggled for work until our youngest was 2. I was in and out of jobs, did open university courses and eventually qualified as a solicitor. For the last ten years I’ve worked up to be an associate, but it’s been slow going. I’ve faced a lot of outright sexism, knocked back because of the time I took out of work with our children for childcare and I’m only on £35k now.

ive recently got a new job in the NHS, because I just can’t stay in the law. The sexism, the lack of professionalism, the lack of progression, working myself to the bone to make money for other people.

My husband is earning 2-3 times what I do, depending on commissions and bonuses. We split finances as follows:

50% of each income into the joint account. This pays bills, the mortgage, my husband’s golf membership etc. he says the golf membership needs to come from the joint account as it allows him to “network”, but won’t allow childcare to come from this as it allows me to work, so it’s my responsibility. Anything left over gets split - 50% to joint savings, 50% to his personal savings.

20% into savings. 15% to joint savings, 5% to solo.

He uses his other 30% as spending money, a lot of mine goes to things like before and after school clubs to allow me to work full time, everything for our children like bus passes, school lunches, school trips. He doesn’t contribute at all.

Because of the school spending I’m regularly going into my savings and spending more than I bring in some months. I don’t have a huge pension, because I spent about five years out of work because childcare was unaffordable to me. Taking a step back, I can see just how uneven it is, but I also couldn’t afford anything on my own. I brought it up to him last night and he basically said that if I wanted to be financially independent I could start paying for everything myself and “get a real job”.

Now I’ve written to out, I just don’t know what to do next. I can advise clients all the time, but I’m absolutely sure I wouldn’t be able to afford it if he moved out and stopped paying his share.

@ChattyChai - ignore your parents religious beliefs- they don’t have to live with him . They will get over it if they know he’s mistreating you

I know how scary it feels as I'm in a similar position but it will be worth it in the end getting a divorce.

Your youngest is 12 you dont need childcare.

Well I am in awe of you OP.

That you managed to study to qualify in law with 4 kids, first when you were 16, is incredible. Particularly as it sounds like you were the default parent most of the time while your husband built up his career.

Simple choice, this is either you for the rest of your life or divorce and be free.

I don't think your husband genuinely believing that you are a second class citizen in your own home is an issue that can be solved with a cosy chat...OP has already tried to explain how unfair their set up is to no avail.

OP, I do find it a bit odd if he is like this with money and nothing else, how is he with chores?
Do you go out much with friends?
Who decides what colour to paint the hall or where you go on holiday?

Also when you have left him, I'd tell everyone the reason you left is that you could not afford to stay married to him. To stay married to him would mean you would need to go into debt and your only option to avoid debt was divorce. He deserves some public shame for this.

If you leave, you'll be entitled to half of everything, plus child support going forward. If it means downsizing that sounds preferable to being with him.

Probably already been suggested but. In the short term ie next month transfer enough from the joint account to cover childcare into your personal account. Then get legal advice. You will be okay - people manage. He’s a fucking arsehole.
What is your specialty in law? Could you move firm or work for a local authority or in house? It’s not all a load of sexism and bad pay.

I absolutely understand why you left law. I used to work at a law firm, have friends who still work in law and a relative is working in law.

It is very hard to get ahead without someone supporting you. I knew someone who left work at a law firm to drive a forklift - because he got paid more driving a forklift.

My relative is working in law because she has a trust fund and her dad funded her second degree. The ones that stay in law are the ones who have financial backing. A friend of mine is doing well in law, she had an inheritance to buy property before she even graduated so she could take risks with her career.

I’ve known lawyers who made terrible money and lawyers that I went to highschool with that are making absolute bank. Basically it is an industry full of nepotism and old money. The structure of law firms is akin to a pyramid scheme.

Anyway, you’re intelligent - you know your husband is financially controlling you. You have access to legal resources. Divorce him and take the majority of his assets. Do it now so he has to pay you child support. You got this!!

This cannot be worked through as you are being financially abused by him. Therefore your marriage is over. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Get legal advice asap and start divorce proceedings.

Please take advice before doing this. If your inheritance has been kept separate from family money, you may be able to keep this out of the ‘marital pot’ of finances anyway. By cashing some in, it’s looks like you are hiding it, which is obviously frowned upon.

The idea would be to get cash back from things you buy with joint money (or even money that would be considered in the marital pot) so H is in effect paying half of any cash you have, iyswim (despite the fact it is frowned upon!)

Do you have any of your own savings that H cannot access?

Have you asked him if he actually wants to be with you?

His behaviour (which as per your thread yesterday is just awful!), the being ‘forced’ to get married, children so young etc. Does he resent the existence of the children? None of this excuses any of his actions by the way, but would discussing a reasonable path to divorce be a relief for both of you perhaps?

I would absolutely cancel his golf DD by the way.

I would also remove 50% of the savings now just in case he decided to remove 100% to make a point….

I am glad you posted over here. Please listen to the wise women here and play your cards close to your chest. I agree you should speak with Women's Aid about all of this, start getting copies of paperwork, tuck it away somewhere outside the house that he can't find. Use all his golf time to go digging.

It sounds as if things are ramping up and he is also emotionally abusive as well as financially controlling. And with your second paragraph here, I would also be suspicious that he has an OW somewhere and is being sexually incontinent, probably hatching his own exit plans.

Without him dragging you down, you may find that a professional role as a solicitor becomes a whole lot less stressful.

I agree with this suggestion.
Because with divorce, unless he gets 50/50 (which means he will pat childcare/clubs, buss passes for when he has the kids), what you will get for the children is CMS which in my view does NOT cover all these costs. Yes, you will get part of his pension, plus 50% of the house if you sell, but what are those figures?
In fairness, kids expenses NEED to come from both of you, its ridiculous that he thinks it needs to come from you because "it allows you to work". It actually allows BOTH of you to work!!! Surely he needs to be able to see this?

This is really unfair on OP, OP please take no notice, this is not true in the slightest.

OP it may be possible he is abusing you in other ways. It’s really common for victims in these situations to not realise they’re victims.
Please seek advice from women’s aid, or any other domestic abuse charity. abusers are extremely clever and can pull the wool over the eyes of even the most intelligent women.

He likes his clubs after school and it’s just a nicer thought than him coming home to an empty house

It sounds like neither of you love or care for each other anymore, and your relationship is held together by your dependency and his comfort. Once you have fully processed the last 24 hours realisation, you might as well plan for separation.

You may have a couple of years of legal battles and financial uncertainty but it will be worth it. Once you are free of him and your resentment, you will see how your life fills up wonderful things - quality time with kids, career progression etc. It feels like he is holding you back in the same sexist framework as your past employers, and you are breaking off the last of those shackles. Best of luck!

I think given the upbringing I’ve had of being quite religious, it’s such a slap in the face. I just feel like I’m viewing things through a totally different lens

Fine but if nobody is going to pay for them then he can’t do them. But you are in a lucky position because you don’t need childcare as such and therefore will be better able to financially support yourself if you leave your husband.
Also if he’s at secondary there should be all sorts of free after school stuff going on like sports clubs. Can he not do those? Or go to the library like his sister does?

Think about your children, what is this man teaching them? I don’t even know how you co-exist with such an awful man. Money seems to be the only thing he is interested in. he will have to pay child support and you can get tax credits. Honestly don’t waste your life with this idiot. You have done so well getting a law degree, you deserve so much more.

The biggest change that needs to occur immediately is from the joint account. None of this should be going into his own account. It’s the joint account for all bills and everything the family needs. So that needs to stop, how is he taking that money? If he won’t stop every time he takes an amount you take the same for your own savings as a temporary measure.

otherwise, and this is what I would do, start paying less into the joint account. Tally up exactly what is needed to cover everything and pay in 50% of that exact figure then there’s nothing spare to go to joint savings or his own savings. What a horrible man depriving his family all of these years. Even if he thinks you should pay 50% , you shouldn’t be as he’s on more money, how on earth can he justify then taking back some of that money that wasn’t even his in the first place.oh and yes go into the DD’s for the account and cancel the golf one he can at least pay for that.

btw he us an absolutely arse and you deserve better. He should have always been paying towards childcare they are his children. And you won’t have heard it from him but you’ve done brilliantly to study, look after all of your children and get a career….that IS a proper job ….the children alone us a proper job.

I’m really angry on your behalf and this sort of thing reminds me why I was a lone parent. I also had my child as a teenager worked got a degree and a career…..if a man then had thought it was acceptable to take any of my monry I would have left. But I’m pretty fiery on this topic after a horrific DV scumbag ex who wrecked our lives. And lastly forget about the finances I would 100% divorce him and start enjoying life without being controlled and having my wages stolen.

It is really great though that you have been able to recognise this and seek advice, that is a huge step in itself.

I do get it though, I had my children young, first was born when I was 14 and it’s really hard to put yourself first when all you’ve ever known is parenting and being a wife.

Financial control can be a part of coercive and controlling behaviour, I’m not saying that’s what this is, but it’s really important you seek some help from a domestic abuse charity.

It must be so difficult for you dealing with all this when you’re so emotionally entangled and he’s all you’ve ever known, sending you a hug x

Then deduct it from your money before you pay your share into the joint account?

Btw as reality sinks in we are all here if you need a hand hold. Look at all of the minute details of your life and you will start seeing you are being abused and controlled in all sorts of ways. I was in a horrific grooming coercive ‘relationship’ as a teenager a you just don’t realise how bad it is until afterwards. I was in my late 20s when the courts finally banned him from coming near us and I can live in peace.

You’d not want this sort of relationship for your children so don’t accept it for yourself, and also forget about religion. Your parents should have wanted you to be happy with the perfect partner not married so young and treated like this.

for example every time he’s ever gone to golf I expect you look after the children? Etc etc etc.