Husband is financially controlling me

[ChattyChai]

I posted yesterday in AIBU and was advised to post on this board, so here goes.

My husband and I have 4 children, our eldest are 23 and our youngest is 12. We got married when I was 18 and he was 20, because that’s what our parents said had to happen, I got pregnant at 16. I know, I know - I don’t need criticism for that.

Since then, I really struggled for work until our youngest was 2. I was in and out of jobs, did open university courses and eventually qualified as a solicitor. For the last ten years I’ve worked up to be an associate, but it’s been slow going. I’ve faced a lot of outright sexism, knocked back because of the time I took out of work with our children for childcare and I’m only on £35k now.

ive recently got a new job in the NHS, because I just can’t stay in the law. The sexism, the lack of professionalism, the lack of progression, working myself to the bone to make money for other people.

My husband is earning 2-3 times what I do, depending on commissions and bonuses. We split finances as follows:

50% of each income into the joint account. This pays bills, the mortgage, my husband’s golf membership etc. he says the golf membership needs to come from the joint account as it allows him to “network”, but won’t allow childcare to come from this as it allows me to work, so it’s my responsibility. Anything left over gets split - 50% to joint savings, 50% to his personal savings.

20% into savings. 15% to joint savings, 5% to solo.

He uses his other 30% as spending money, a lot of mine goes to things like before and after school clubs to allow me to work full time, everything for our children like bus passes, school lunches, school trips. He doesn’t contribute at all.

Because of the school spending I’m regularly going into my savings and spending more than I bring in some months. I don’t have a huge pension, because I spent about five years out of work because childcare was unaffordable to me. Taking a step back, I can see just how uneven it is, but I also couldn’t afford anything on my own. I brought it up to him last night and he basically said that if I wanted to be financially independent I could start paying for everything myself and “get a real job”.

Now I’ve written to out, I just don’t know what to do next. I can advise clients all the time, but I’m absolutely sure I wouldn’t be able to afford it if he moved out and stopped paying his share.

I agree you just put the child/children first and don’t realise how badly you are being treated.

Woman’s aid will be a great support. I had to literally walk out of my life with my child, mine was DV as well, and start a brand new life. I had nothing but it gets better. The moment I worked my first shift in an pub and got my first pay cheque and it was mine and no one was going to steal it from my purse and leave us without food I started to recover.

Hey OP, I just wanted to chuck my tuppence in for you!

When my marriage ended I earned £20,000 a year and I realised that if I wanted to keep my lifestyle I needed to get serious - and I did! I doubled my salary in 5 years and now 10 years on I've more than tripled it, so you can do this, you just need a bit of self belief. I did have tax credits to help at the start but now I get no help and I love being the one who puts a roof over our heads and I'm showing my DD that anything is possible and never to rely on a man!!

Also, I work in charity law - it pays very well if you get in the right cause (legacies are awesome!!) so please explore it!

That’s really a terrible wage for a solicitor, let alone an associate. My DH is a senior associate and his salary is way beyond that. I’m a legal assistant (albeit senior) and earn the same salary as you. This is a just a small high street firm, nowhere near London.

It sounds like you are taking the first steps towards leaving him. Well done.

OP, is he a workaholic who derives his self esteem from his Big Job? Or does he work because he enjoys seeing himself as the Provider for the family? Because if it's the latter, just be very very wary of him defaulting on any money that CMS says he has to pay, throwing in his job and heading off to be self employed (and never pay you a penny). My XH went from 'I'm taking the children' to vanishing to the other end of the country and not paying a penny, so I am aware of what these 'I am the Head of this family' types are capable of.

But you do need to divorce. This man will do everything he can to sabotage your attempts to earn more, probably because he knows you can outearn him and he's afraid of that.

He’s talking bullshit regarding you getting nothing.

You’ve got two options here - divorce him, or carry on experiencing his financial abuse (and if most certain is financial abuse)

Not useful but I would be be tempted to join the bloody golf club

Firstly, you have a proper job and you don’t ‘only’ earn £35k. That’s not nothing and he isn’t (and neither is anyone else) better than you because they earn more. Your value as a person isn’t held in your salary. You need to start believing this and believe in yourself. I’m not really sure what a proper job is if a solicitor isn’t one. Maybe your DH could enlighten us all?

You NEED to start putting less into the joint account to cover the additional expenses for your children. Don’t let him have this level of control over your life anymore.

Good luck.

I was in a similar position to you and 2 years ago I left him.

My exh cut up my joint bank card while I was on maternity leave with my DD. She is 13 now so took me a long time to see what was happening.

I used to pay into the joint account each month from my wages but didn't have any access to the money. I used to have to ask to buy the children shoes/school uniform and groceries. I left the marragie with debt I had accrued from normal everyday things I couldn't buy from the joint pot.

When I left he threatened to not give me a penny, withdrew all the savings in our joint account. I only took control of the situation when my brother drove me to the back to request access to the account.

I earn 36k and as a single parent get UC and child benefit, he also pays maintenance, although not all of what he should. I have a lovely shared ownership home with my 2 DCs. I just wanted to say it's not right and you should absolutely see a solicitor. Try and get copies of everything, bank statements etc... There are ways to get out of it.

This will help you to consider if other abuse is happening.

You need to leave this man. Yes, he's financially abusing you. He also appears neither to love nor respect you - you and your children deserve a lot better.

It'll work out. Of course he's going to claim you won't get anything because clearly he's as tight as a duck's arse when it comes to spending his own money. But the reality is that you will. You've got a decent job on a good (OK very average but one that lots of people manage on) salary, your kids are nearly all old enough to not need Mum around so much, and you'll be fine. Get the divorce process going.

Of course you'll see a penny from him. That's out of his control. Because you're married you are entitled to assets from him whether he likes it or not. Tough shit for him.

Couldn't agree more with this I was trying to think of something to say and this summed it up perfectly x

Hi

Yes, you are being financially but also emotionally abused. As a lawyer you give independent advice without any emotional involvement, your marriage is different because no one likes to admit they are being emotionally and financially abused so don't beat yourself up about this. Just start paving the way for freedom.

Your husband is making it appear that the children are yours alone from a financial and responsibility perspective. You have reduced earning power due to taking time off for childcare, why is there an assumption that you should pay the childcare fees from your monies, he has the same responsibility fo r those children as you do. Why doesn't he limit his career and pay for childcare so you can fly? His response will be that he earns more and it doesn't make sense, your answer, that you had tp sacrifice and limit your career to look after the kids or you could BOTH work fulltime and BOTH share the financial ramifications of that.

The he has the cheek to say that his work networking is a joint responsibility??? Really. I would cancel his golf fees.

I'm married, over the years, me and my husband have swopped and changed as to who is the highest paid. We have a joint account in addition to our personal accounts. We calculate our monthly outgoings which include food, household expenses, cars, petcare, holiday and present fund, childcare etc. Lets say that is £2000 per month (its not - its just a figure). We then add our incomes together and lets says hubby earns 3/4 of our joint income and I earn 1/4, I put £500 into the joint account each month (as in a quarter of £2000) and he puts in the other £1500 (3/4 of his income).

We review this regularly and we play fair, we sub each other if we need to if there is something expensive happening but we work together. I have earnt more than him at points in time so I paid more into the joint account and vice-versa.

He is using you emotionally and financially so yes, very definite abuse.

See the solicitor, do nothing now, get all bank statements details of outgoings and financial commitments and pave the way to take action when the time is right for you, but get the paper trail in place. Do not tell him you are seeing the solicitor but document or record all discussions re money.

You can do this, you kids deserve better than he is prepared to give, you on the otherhand are sacrificing your own wellbeing for him and the kids, and the kids would not want this. Are the older ones aware of the situation?

What OP's husband is doing is abusive. Do you really think that abusers like OP's DH will suddenly have an epiphany after a chat with OP and see the error of their ways? None of his behaviour is reasonable and normal. That is the kind of man he is. The only way to break free is for OP to leave.

This is entirely unnecessary! The OP is asking for help, her husband is clearly controlling which in itself destroys self-worth and self-confidence. The last thing she needs is comments on here dragging her down even further!

Gross!

all of this crazy....so sad for you. I have my own story but hey, I am foreign and beggars can't be choosers so

I get this, I felt the same when my eldest went to secondary school. In reality she liked the independence.

Me Too

Also, I work in charity law - it pays very well if you get in the right cause (legacies are awesome!!) so please explore it!

I was also going to suggest this. It pays better, there are plenty of qualified solicitors working in the sector, and most larger charities are very good re: flexible/hybrid working.

Take a look at Rights of Women too.

https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

You can do this. It will take time. And will feel overwhelming. But you can do it. And then you can spend as much as you choose on self-care.

Is your husband ‘religious’ too? Are you part of the same church?

What’s your relationship like with your two older children, how close by are they?

What is your relationship like these days with your parents?

Do you have non-church friends? (Ie not from the same small community?)

I’ve just come out of the meeting with the partner. I just broke down - I think a lot of you are right, because I had my eldest so young my entire life has been being mum or his wife and I don’t know any different.

re. Him taking the money out of the joint account - he will just transfer it out at the end of each month, if I were to do that he’d get incredibly angry. If I go outside of the food shop budget he’s fuming, starts shouting about me being a greedy pig who just eats all his money. He watches every penny. The only way I could do cash back is if I were to cut our food shops down - I’ll try to do it where I can though.

the partner advised me not to withdraw my premium bonds etc., yet, she’s said to just go home this afternoon and gather as much paperwork as I can and make copies of it, and send those copies to myself. She’s said opening my own solo bank account that’s with an entirely new bank is a good idea.

im going to look at some other legal jobs, but she’s also suggested to me that I rescind my notice and she’s going to take a look at our recruitment plan and see if she can get me into a different role within the firm, potentially earning more.

I just feel a bit gutted by it all. Working in the law you think you’ll see round these sorts of things, so when it happens to you it’s just a gut punch

OP be careful cashing bonds and having the cash. He could find it and take it.

If the bonds are in your name just leave them just for now. Wait at least a day or two?! Don't make quick financial decisions.

Get advise from a colleague on family law.

I'd also advise you call women's aid. You are in an abusive relationship as you have realised, and it's a big thing to get your head around, that this person isn't who you first thought they were. You need support and advice.

Finally, do NOT let on that you're waking up to your situation. Try and carry on as you have been just for now. Maybe even say you're looking at how to save on childcare and clubs etc to throw him off the scent. This is a dangerous time for a woman in your situation. Please be careful. Clear all your devices history, keep passwords on everything, etc.

I'd advise setting up a new back account with a bank neither of you use, and a new email address with a different one to the one you usually use. Take care.