Husband is financially controlling me

[ChattyChai]

I posted yesterday in AIBU and was advised to post on this board, so here goes.

My husband and I have 4 children, our eldest are 23 and our youngest is 12. We got married when I was 18 and he was 20, because that’s what our parents said had to happen, I got pregnant at 16. I know, I know - I don’t need criticism for that.

Since then, I really struggled for work until our youngest was 2. I was in and out of jobs, did open university courses and eventually qualified as a solicitor. For the last ten years I’ve worked up to be an associate, but it’s been slow going. I’ve faced a lot of outright sexism, knocked back because of the time I took out of work with our children for childcare and I’m only on £35k now.

ive recently got a new job in the NHS, because I just can’t stay in the law. The sexism, the lack of professionalism, the lack of progression, working myself to the bone to make money for other people.

My husband is earning 2-3 times what I do, depending on commissions and bonuses. We split finances as follows:

50% of each income into the joint account. This pays bills, the mortgage, my husband’s golf membership etc. he says the golf membership needs to come from the joint account as it allows him to “network”, but won’t allow childcare to come from this as it allows me to work, so it’s my responsibility. Anything left over gets split - 50% to joint savings, 50% to his personal savings.

20% into savings. 15% to joint savings, 5% to solo.

He uses his other 30% as spending money, a lot of mine goes to things like before and after school clubs to allow me to work full time, everything for our children like bus passes, school lunches, school trips. He doesn’t contribute at all.

Because of the school spending I’m regularly going into my savings and spending more than I bring in some months. I don’t have a huge pension, because I spent about five years out of work because childcare was unaffordable to me. Taking a step back, I can see just how uneven it is, but I also couldn’t afford anything on my own. I brought it up to him last night and he basically said that if I wanted to be financially independent I could start paying for everything myself and “get a real job”.

Now I’ve written to out, I just don’t know what to do next. I can advise clients all the time, but I’m absolutely sure I wouldn’t be able to afford it if he moved out and stopped paying his share.

Divorce is only option +1

Get legal counsel and also counsel from abuse hotline. They are also knowledgeable about practical stuff and how to get your ducks in a row. Don’t tell him anything. Prepare silently and then leave. Also I would first check if it can be used against you in court if you withdraw savings. If not, do it.

he will be paying you money by courts order - he’s lying and trying to scare you into submission. Because he’s a bully.

Go and see an experienced divorce solicitor. They should spell out in black and white what you are entitled to. Having an independent professional do it for you can be really helpful to cut through the emotional fug. Ask their advice on what/when to tell the H about your plans.

This man is simply awful and has no respect for you. He deserves to be alone and you deserve far better.

He's not going to change and you don't warn him that you're looking for the exit!

That will give him plenty of time to start hiding assets.

See the solicitor promptly @ChattyChai

You can definitely live on your wage and I imagine you’ll be much better off, my advice would be to get decent legal advice on leaving him.

He is being a complete dick and financially abusing you.

It’s the gaps. I was turned down from so many firms before landing my current job, it was just a really sexist standpoint

You are a lawyer. Surely you must know that he cannot do this?

If not, then I'm not surprised you are struggling to get a good job in law. And it's 'in law' by the way, not 'in the law.' You are not a police officer.

Gather all financial documents that you can lay your hands on and consult a solicitor before you even begin to think of approaching him about this. Don’t give the time pr the heads up to start hiding or moving funds. There’s a difference between equality and equity and he’s absolutely abusing and oppressing you. Contributions should leave you both with equal spends and he’s a fool to try to minimise your contributions that have allowed him to earn what he does. Please believe him, he is showing you who he is. Highly recommend joining the Bridging the Gap group on Facebook. Good luck.

Gosh £35k for a solicitor? That is so depressing. You've worked so hard and juggled a lot.
Do you even have an actual relationship with this poor excuse for a human being? Just divorce and rinse him for all you can. Please value your happiness, you really do only live once. You can do this.

You are likely 40ish based on what you have said. A qualified solicitor whilst parenting four children who are growing up and off hands. The world is yiur oyster and you likely have more life ahead of you than behind you.

I can't imagine you live or like this man. End it and li e your life; he should contribute but nevertheless you are likely to be far happier without him.

You are a clever, capable and strong woman. Break the tie and find yourself a bucketful of happiness and independence.

I am sorry to read this - so much resonated with me and ex husband.

I am angry at mysekf nw for allowing it to happen. I worked when he got home from work. We had no childcare costs but virtually ALL my earnings went into the joint account leaving me none for myself whereas he had disposable income for leisore / luxuries etc.

Stop it now.

Check what benefits you could get without him there - change mortgage to interest only if you can.

All the best x

No need to be harsh or rude.

Yes, I know the facts of it - but when you’re coming to the realisation that the man you’ve loved since you were 14, the man you’ve been married to for nearly 22 years, isn’t the person you thought and the blinders come off, it’s a gut punch. I’m barely thinking straight.

Op, is he salaried or self employed? If self employed, he could play games with paying maintenance. It is harder to do when employed.

Do his bonuses get paid into the joint savings?

Divorce him take everything you are entitled to and move on with your life

It’s really pathetic, isn’t it? Not just a solicitor, an associate. Sadly if you’re not in the city, you don’t earn much at all. It’s depressing.

We’ve not really had the same relationship for a while now. He’s been distant, cold, spending a lot more time outside of the home. I just thought it was natural, but I feel like my entire view of our lives has changed in the last 24 hours. I feel like hearing it from others just changed everything.

He’s employed. All bonuses and commissions etc go into his sole accounts

@chattychaiif your CV is gappy, employers are going to think you might not be a reliable long-term bet. You can tackle that head on in interviews by explaining the past gaps, saying that your kids are older now and you won’t be having any more, are committed to your career etc.

I had a 4 year gap in my CV when applying for training contracts. I was still offered two. I just had to say: yes I didn’t work for 4 years, mostly because I was at home with young kids but now I want to progress my career and having kids is very motivating because I need to support them.

A friend of mine has recently gone back to work in the law after a 12 year gap raising kids. She’s a PSL now and was fee-earning before, but even after just a few months in the PSL role the firm has now asked if she’d like to move over to fee-earning again. She works 3 days a week spread over 4 so does 1 full day (when her ex has the kids), 9-2.30 on 3 days and has the last day off.

There are a lot of options these days and I don’t buy the “sexist/discriminatory” angle as being a bar to having a decent job in any law firm. The one you’re currently at may not be for you (or you for them, from the sound of it) but you can change jobs without changing career.

You are golden.
If he is PAYE he cant hide it and you have a claim on his pension

Realistically, worst case scenario is half of assets.
He may well manage to wriggle out of maintenance, but if youngest is 12 now that won't be that long anyway.
Would you be happier, making your own decisions financial and otherwise?

I want to leave the law in any event - I hate it. I despise working to just make money for other people while not being paid a fair wage.

Play it nice to his face and photocopy everything.
be a detective. He’s probably got accounts & assets hidden from you. Try to get into his phone. Covertly record the conversations where he’s financially abusing you.
make sure there are copies of you & kids passports & important docs somewhere he can’t get them - safety deposit box, trusted relatives house etc.

good luck- play the long game.

I think I would be, but I’ve spent my entire adult life with this man. It’s quite a scary thought

I’d strongly recommend a divorce. Have you read why does he do that or completed the freedom programme? I think both would help you to get to a place of acceptance of that being what needs to happen. In the mean time you need to start gathering the evidence as a previous poster said.

Why did I know that would be your answer regarding his commission and bonuses! Good news that he is employed.

Do you have any way of accessing any of his financial records - pensions, savings, investments, commissions, bonus payments? Try to collate as much information as you can. Even just things here and there can give you information about anything he has hidden/doesn’t declare.

When in the same situation, I set up a new email address (random password obviously) and emailed photos of any relevant information I could source. I also used this email to communicate with solicitors and barristers.

I’m afraid the ‘you won’t get a penny off me’ comments would point me to the divorce lawyer asap . He clearly sees your job as ‘pin money’ and you are second class citizen . You are a smart lady quite clearly and you will ‘get on’ just not in a straight line like others maybe. Dont obsess about the house, concentrate on the assets, take the cash and rent if needs be and build up again. Honestly without this dick to be in the equation after a while you won’t care about the house nearly as much as. Things like this in my opinion and also experience at 63 assume much more importance when the rest of your life’isnt right’ -

Fuck that. They're married, it's all 'joint savings'. It's just she doesn't have access to all of it.
I'd remove 100% of what you do have access to. Be very careful he doesn't do this first as a way to control you, as you won't be able to afford legal advice/divorce costs without it.

Make your plans quietly, do not let him know a thing.