Working on our issues but would like advice

[togo1004]

My fiance and I are working on our issues. I’ve posted here previously and he’s been helping more around the house which is really helping.

i have a worry that I’m making him sick. He’s been losing weight, and he won’t eat a lot anymore and says he full after a few bites. He doesn’t seem as positive as he used to be lately.

we seem to get along for a day or two and he acts insensitive to my needs and we have a fight. For example, today he asked me to do him a favor. He said the water filter person is coming tomorrow at 1pm and he has to go help his grandmother file some taxes so he won’t be around until 3pm. He asked me to open the door for the water filter man and if he has any questions, he can call him. I didn’t answer him right away and just froze. I have some social anxiety and sometimes it’s hard to even meet the delivery man to receive package at the front door. I told him why can’t you reschedule? He said babe just open the door for the man to do his job and call me if he has any questions. So I told him my anxiety is bad and I’m afraid he will start a conversation with me. He said why would the water filter man start a convo with you, you will be working on your computer and I’m sure the man just wants to do his job and leave. I started crying because he was being insensitive to my feelings and didn’t feel validated.

then he pointed out a fact that I went out to meet a stranger for coffee and dinner last week, and spent the entire evening with a new friend (his friends and he knows I have no friends and I often complain that I have no friends so his friend met someone outside who wants to learn Russian, I happen to be Russian and I wanted to learn Korean, she happens to be Korean so he got her number so we can chat and become friends). He said if you can do that you can open the door for the man and let him do his job.

he told me he doesn’t understand me. He said how can you be an introvert, but love going out with my friends to bars and clubs meeting new people to make friends but cannot open the door for the filter man?

he says he’s introverted and if he hangs out with his friends he needs alone time to recharge. He thinks that I’m not introverted, but extroverted but just has some social anxiety.

I eventually apologized to him because I realized I was giving him a hard time. This man does a lot for me, so I felt I needed to apologize.

he said he’s super tired of fighting over small things.

how do I stop fighting with him every few days? I’m having a hard time dealing with his insensitivity and feel that I can’t bring anything up with him.

Perhaps OP is writing a book and is tapping us for ideas?

You are making an absolute mockery of people with actual mental health and anxiety

You got an appointment within 24 hours and then contradict yourself with your parents story.

A bit pathetic really that you need this lev of entertainment of an evening.

If she had a heroin addict mother, she could easily be referring to her adoptive parents.

They have a good relationship. The thing is my father got my mother pregnant at 16 and my mother never told him about me until later because they broke up and she was dating a heroin dealer.

i Met my “step father” i guess you can call it that and i found my mother hung in the bathroom when i was 8 and i untied her and saved her life.

I don’t know why I don’t feel sad when I talk about this? Even if I look back as horrible as that sounds when I was untying the knot I didn’t feel sad or upset, just felt I needed to save her.

no I’m not trolling. I really do believe that I’m the center of his universe and he is mine. To be honest I would die for this man, and if he’s not well I do a lot for him also.

as far as Instagram goes I send him many reels about relationships because I learned about validation. I watched many YouTube and IG videos and it made sense to me.

now I’m trying to undo the damage by seeking therapy. But honestly, I’m unaware of my issues.

After my mother broke up with this guy she got in touch with my real father and he moved to be with me.

he brought a German Shepard as a gift and we all lived together. My father is a good man, we are all like friends.

they are in Russia in a small city and make very little money but it’s enough there to live fairly comfortably.

I work remotely as a programmer. I met my current fiance while I was working in Asia, and we hit it off right away. In the beginning I felt so safe with him but one day I was in his home office and was cleaning his desks and saw messages pop
up and decided to read it.

he was discussing with his best friend about me. He said he wasn’t “sure” about me. And that’s when everything crumbled including my safety. Because I was sure we’re good but he was talking to his friend about how “difficult” I can be, but he loved the fact that I was loyal, and quite peaceful overall.

now I understand that peace is gone, because we’ve had way too many arguments. Ever since those text messages I’ve seen I’ve been getting panic attacks and feeling insecure overall. And instead of apologizing he immediately said why are you looking through my stuff and that since he’s dating to marry, and he’s had a bad marriage prior he had wavering thoughts.

just to give a little background, he is also a divorced person. His ex wife was cheating on him and stealing money and buying luxury items and shipping them to her sisters house and they were sharing the profits together. It’s awful. He said he wasn’t sure because she was an absolute angel to him for 2 years and when they got married she completely changed. And he’s afraid of that happening again, and I felt extremely offended.

anyway, since I lost my safety we fought a lot. We fought a lot especially because he’s a bit messy. He’s improved but he used to leave stuff around when he knows it bothers me. And instead of apologizing he would say you also leave stuff around and I just put it back? What’s the big deal? But the truth is, I didn’t do it as often as he did. And his rebuttal was that he also pays all of the bills for us so what’s the big deal if you do a bit more cleaning but look I’m not his maid.

anyway, it’s improved and we are doing better. And I’m focusing on therapy now because i can tell he’s changed quite a bit. He doesn’t talk as much, doesn’t smile as much, and overall just distant than before. I want to fix it too.

And I think big part of our issue is that he grew up in a traditional family and he’s a strong Christian man. He goes to church every Sunday, does volunteering at his grandmothers retirement home to read books and play games with the old folks.

i grew up much more liberally and im not religious. He tried to get me to goto church with him many times and it caused us arguments. He believed that having prayers will calm my anxiety but I don’t like religions, it’s cultish and I don’t believe in it.

Eventually he stopped, and when my anxiety got bad he stopped going to church all together and stopped doing volunteering to help me cope being without him.

i know how he thinks, he thinks the man is the lead in the household and the women are the home
makers. This is how his family is, and I told him it’s not 1950. Then his rebuttal was ok then pay half the living shares and we can do it your way. But I can’t right now because I have debt.

so this put a thorn on us quite a lot.

I think it’s really unfair that he can’t see his friends.You are asking too much of him and he will leave you.

It sounds like you are sensitive because you have an anxiety issue. I personally would find it very hard to deal with someone who can’t answer the door due to social anxiety. And if it seemed like it was selective I would question if you are just narcisssitic and playing a victim. People aren’t required to adjust to your issues. It’s just incompatibility and need to move on.

You sound like you are 12 years old and need a hobby.

It’s extreme because he is not your therapist/life coach/emotional support animal and you are an adult!

I’m sorry but you sound like an absolute nightmare and the relationship sounds toxic. Why do you want to marry each other? You are not in any way compatible.

The quote “you want a partner, not a project” came to mind when I read your opening posts.

I'm actually stunned that this OP. You are so wrong. He is perfectly right in what he's saying. You have no right to his phone, he's not being manipulative but you just don't care.

Going out and meeting that stranger was a good thing and well done you However I can also understand why your bf is frustrated and confused by your willingness to challenge your anxiety by meeting a stranger and your reluctance in opening the door for a workmen.

You keep repeating that your bf is invalidating your feelings and i don’t think he’s doing that, I think he wants you to challenge unhealthy behaviours knowing that if you did, you’d be healthier for it. You see your anxieties and your food related issues as a part of your identity and when he challenges them, you view that as an attack on your identity. His suggestion of therapy, is him understanding that he isn’t the best person to support you in challenging unhealthy behaviours and that you probably need support from someone who is trained in delivering support.

I think you have a number of unhealthy behaviours that need challenging and I don’t think you are in a place where you can do that on your own. Yes, couples counselling could help you as a couple but I think that solo therapy for yourself should be your priority right now.

Did you feel the positives when you challenged your social anxiety and went out to meet that stranger? You challenged a difficult situation and I hope you felt better for it. Those same positives could be achieved in other areas in your life

I think your boyfriend is being supportive but I fear that if you aren’t willing to challenge some of your unhealthy behaviours, then maybe he might come to the conclusion, that you’re just not compatible. Now is the time, when he’s totally exasperated and done, will be too late.

OP i dont really understand why you've titled this "would like advice" becuase you've had lots and argued with it all

It's very clear from your latest posts that you're just a textbook emotional abuser, using 'anxiety' as a tool to manipulate and control him. You snooped and found out he talks to his friends about what you're doing. So now he doesn't get to spend time with his friends, or anyone else, without you there. You're isolating him and forcing him to centre you as a way of closing off all his means of escape.

I agree, we are being used as unpaid and unqualified "therapists".

If I was your partner I’d be very scared of you. I’m even scared for him. Only God knows what will happen if he tried to leave you.

Sometimes, the process of working through this stuff relies on having all the alternatives presented to you and arguing with them all until there is a clear answer.

Only the OP knows if this is happening for her.

But, tbh, only actual therapy will help because, even if she gets to a point of seeing it clearly, her emotional response to these trigers/situations won't change.

Please don’t reply with more of your weird made up fairytale bs.

honestly, get a hobby.

Sorry, that’s not how all woman’s brains work. My brain does not work in any way like yours

I think you’re on a wind-up.
No-one could be that self involved or unreasonable.
If it’s not a wind up, start taking some responsibility for yourself.

I didn’t argue. I took started online therapy because it was suggested here.

i only challenged ideas because it’s what I was taught to believe.

We will start couple counseling next week. I don’t want to lose him. So im willing to do whatever it takes to figure this out, thanks to you all.

and please for those attacking me, please stop. I came here to talk and get advice..

I’m working on this. I know deep inside it’s perfectly wanting to spend time with friends but I can’t help if I get panic attack.

one time we got into an argument and he left the house without saying anything I collapsed in the bathroom and he had to take me to the hospital.

i just don’t want that happening again

I hope this man manages to get away from you op I really do.