Working on our issues but would like advice

[togo1004]

My fiance and I are working on our issues. I’ve posted here previously and he’s been helping more around the house which is really helping.

i have a worry that I’m making him sick. He’s been losing weight, and he won’t eat a lot anymore and says he full after a few bites. He doesn’t seem as positive as he used to be lately.

we seem to get along for a day or two and he acts insensitive to my needs and we have a fight. For example, today he asked me to do him a favor. He said the water filter person is coming tomorrow at 1pm and he has to go help his grandmother file some taxes so he won’t be around until 3pm. He asked me to open the door for the water filter man and if he has any questions, he can call him. I didn’t answer him right away and just froze. I have some social anxiety and sometimes it’s hard to even meet the delivery man to receive package at the front door. I told him why can’t you reschedule? He said babe just open the door for the man to do his job and call me if he has any questions. So I told him my anxiety is bad and I’m afraid he will start a conversation with me. He said why would the water filter man start a convo with you, you will be working on your computer and I’m sure the man just wants to do his job and leave. I started crying because he was being insensitive to my feelings and didn’t feel validated.

then he pointed out a fact that I went out to meet a stranger for coffee and dinner last week, and spent the entire evening with a new friend (his friends and he knows I have no friends and I often complain that I have no friends so his friend met someone outside who wants to learn Russian, I happen to be Russian and I wanted to learn Korean, she happens to be Korean so he got her number so we can chat and become friends). He said if you can do that you can open the door for the man and let him do his job.

he told me he doesn’t understand me. He said how can you be an introvert, but love going out with my friends to bars and clubs meeting new people to make friends but cannot open the door for the filter man?

he says he’s introverted and if he hangs out with his friends he needs alone time to recharge. He thinks that I’m not introverted, but extroverted but just has some social anxiety.

I eventually apologized to him because I realized I was giving him a hard time. This man does a lot for me, so I felt I needed to apologize.

he said he’s super tired of fighting over small things.

how do I stop fighting with him every few days? I’m having a hard time dealing with his insensitivity and feel that I can’t bring anything up with him.

I haven't read every single post or OP response, but I've read enough to feel that OP's partner should be running for the hills as fast as possible.
OP doesn't look like she has the insight or inclination to see her own abusive role in this relationship.
Run, OP's partner, just run.

Your fiance is right, he doesn't need therapy, you do. If you don't get therapy you're going to loose him as you're extreme anxiety will eventually be too much for him.

OP you talk about ‘his job’ and ‘it’s his priority’ why aren’t you making it a priority to function and make life easier on him? I’ve dealt with Agoraphobia, social anxiety and I’m Autistic. Even I can’t understand your logic being able to go out meeting new people but you can’t let a workman in? No wonder he’s confused.

You went out and faced your anxiety because it was self-serving, it was something you wanted to do. You didn’t really want to deal with the workman so you refuse to deal with your anxiety in that situation. It’s unfair on him.

I agree partners should support each other emotionally.. but you’re being pretty needy and it sounds like you play the anxiety card on him when it suits you.

I also agree with the others and think you need therapy. Not as a couple. You need to sort yourself out before you can be in a relationship with someone else. This isn’t his problem, it’s yours. It sounds like he was affectionate and sweet.. a lot of men wouldn’t have the patience to deal with that situation.

I hate to ‘police’ this thread but MN are not doing so. They are deleting posts, but not the whole thread. The OP is very vulnerable. As long as the thread stands people will be attacking her. This is upsetting to witness. Please read the whole thread before posting and please do not post unless you can offer calm advice to seek medical help.

It sounds to me that there is very little love between you. You could stay like this forever unless you sit down and communicate with each other.

Your first post was about your fiance not appreciating the fact that you do not like strangers coming to the house. I can empathise with that. I don't like it either, and try to avoid anyone coming to the house I don't know, and try to have someone with me, but I am disabled and vulnerable, so have a reason.

Your fiance could be setting a trap for you. Perhaps because you were fine in company with his workmate, he wondered if you were really afraid of strangers so arranged a tradesman when he knew he couldn't be there.

Either you two with so many issues are made for each other or will be your own worse enemies. 'A fish and a bird might love each other, but where would they live?' A common saying, but you should both examine yourselves.

Why would you need a counsellor if you recognise your silly ways yourselves?

@llizzie have you read the whole thread?

@Malvaceae have you read it all?

I've also reported the thread. Based on the fact I can't believe this isn't a troll winding us up.

Save your sympathy for the victim in this story - OPs DP being abused.

You need help before your anxiety gets worse and takes over your life which it will partner or hubby can only do so much to support you , this sounds like an illness and you need help from your doctors and by what you say urgently as well .

You are exhausting.

@MrsColinRobinson I have indeed read the whole thread and reported it 3 times. I agree with you that it’s possible it’s not a genuine poster and that is one of the reasons I have given for reporting it. If it is genuine then the OP needs professional help, not random unqualified advice and personal attacks. Whatever, the thread should be deleted

I thought I had read enough. What did I miss?

Are they fighting for control of one another?

@llizzie what a strange response. Why don’t you read the whole thread?

No, as multiple people have explained, you should not be. What you are describing is toxic.

You’re keeping him from doing perfectly normal things because ‘you can’t feel good’.

What do you think the word ‘toxic’ means? What do you think a toxic relationship is?

It IS NOT a big deal. It's a big deal to you, which is not normal and is a problem. It's for you to seek help to solve it. He can support you, but it's your responsibility.

So many people are just repeating the same things to OP over and over again because they have not read the whole thread. If the OP is genuine, this not Friday night entertainment it’s real life mental health issues. The OP is being repeatedly kicked while lying on the ground.

I will leave the thread now. My first flounce in more than 15 years.

you sound like very hard work

If every couple who argued about money and housework needed therapy, there would not be enough therapists in the world!

You are an adult and obviously need some therapy to overcome your anxiety issues.

He doesn’t need to validate your feelings. It sounds like he is being very patient and trying to help you.

This sounds exhausting and intense.

It's your job to sort yourself out, not his. He is there to support you but he can't if you don't help yourself, which it seems you're not by not going to seek help. Go seek help for your mental health issues. He does not have to go with you initially. Eventually yes do he understands what your therapist is giving you for homework and how he can help.

If youre this level of poorly maybe you aren't well enough to find couples therapy successful?

Maybe you could do some alone and then youd be better placed to succeed at couples therapyv

Having read through this thread, I suggest that you & your partner break up.
You need to do some really serious work on yourself & become much more self reliant. The amount of 'prioritise me' you expect from your partner is unrealistic & completely unsustainable.
Your relationship is already dead because of this.

I think its unhelpful to hold him to a standard based on Instagram and YouTube therapy tutorials on validating feelings. Its click bait, armchair psychology. You shouldn't be holding this much stock in it and I think youre only championing it so much because it aligns to what you want to hear.

I am interested in what your job is and how you manage it.

Some of the examples you give - if you worried he cheated and he hadn't. You think he should address your feelings first. But he isnt a robot, his feelings might be overwhelming him at the unfairness of the accusation. Hes feeling misunderstood and frustrated at an unfair accusation, so where is his validation? You've dropped this on him and hes meant to ignore his feelings and validate yours?

Hes paying the bills, doing more than his fair share of chores, the grubby jobs, looking after his family and priorising your needs even though it risks him drifting apart from his friends.

If you are this level of "triggered" (a word i hate as its overused and often out of context because of pop psychology used by people watching stuff on insta) about anything you dont like, or want to do or take responsibility for. But that doesnt make those things his responsibility. You need to get those addressed because he will never be able to help you avoid them. And if you dont you might lose him. And I'll be totally honest if he wrote a MN post on his experience id probably respond with leave. She isn't taking accountability for her actions, shes making her problems your fault, and she thinks you should suppress your feelings to make sure hers are validated.

Id be saying he cant love you enough to fix you if he tried

Earlier on you said this OP:

My parents have a good relationship, they are partners like 50/50.

Yet you now say you didn’t meet your father until you were 12 and your mother was a heroin addict.

Which is true?