Working on our issues but would like advice

[togo1004]

My fiance and I are working on our issues. I’ve posted here previously and he’s been helping more around the house which is really helping.

i have a worry that I’m making him sick. He’s been losing weight, and he won’t eat a lot anymore and says he full after a few bites. He doesn’t seem as positive as he used to be lately.

we seem to get along for a day or two and he acts insensitive to my needs and we have a fight. For example, today he asked me to do him a favor. He said the water filter person is coming tomorrow at 1pm and he has to go help his grandmother file some taxes so he won’t be around until 3pm. He asked me to open the door for the water filter man and if he has any questions, he can call him. I didn’t answer him right away and just froze. I have some social anxiety and sometimes it’s hard to even meet the delivery man to receive package at the front door. I told him why can’t you reschedule? He said babe just open the door for the man to do his job and call me if he has any questions. So I told him my anxiety is bad and I’m afraid he will start a conversation with me. He said why would the water filter man start a convo with you, you will be working on your computer and I’m sure the man just wants to do his job and leave. I started crying because he was being insensitive to my feelings and didn’t feel validated.

then he pointed out a fact that I went out to meet a stranger for coffee and dinner last week, and spent the entire evening with a new friend (his friends and he knows I have no friends and I often complain that I have no friends so his friend met someone outside who wants to learn Russian, I happen to be Russian and I wanted to learn Korean, she happens to be Korean so he got her number so we can chat and become friends). He said if you can do that you can open the door for the man and let him do his job.

he told me he doesn’t understand me. He said how can you be an introvert, but love going out with my friends to bars and clubs meeting new people to make friends but cannot open the door for the filter man?

he says he’s introverted and if he hangs out with his friends he needs alone time to recharge. He thinks that I’m not introverted, but extroverted but just has some social anxiety.

I eventually apologized to him because I realized I was giving him a hard time. This man does a lot for me, so I felt I needed to apologize.

he said he’s super tired of fighting over small things.

how do I stop fighting with him every few days? I’m having a hard time dealing with his insensitivity and feel that I can’t bring anything up with him.

This is abusive thinking

You have no boundaries, in any area of your life. Your lack of self-awareness will hinder your present and future relationships.

What are the things that you know you do wrong in life?

My darling, I'm sure you've had plenty a good advice on this thread so I'll say this...

You are suffocating thos poor man. If I knew you, I'd offer you a place to stay just to release him. And if he were my distant relative I'd encourage him to leave. I don't understand why he's not doing that himself. Probably too ground down.

I really hope therapy works for you and I think for his own sake he should probably attend some sessions, so he gets help to disentangle himself from this relationship. Your control over this man's life is beyond shocking and before you ask - Yes - YOU DEMAND TOO MUCH! And No - JE SHOULDN'T PRIORITISE YOU ABOVE ALL, INCLUDING HIMSELF!

This is abusive behaviour and you need to let him go.

If a drug addict walked up to you, as high as a kite or coming down, needing a fix, would you think they made much sense or was capable of making a healthy life choice? Or capable of being in a loving relationship?
No! They’d be a hot mess, the only thing they’d care about is getting the next fix! They can be highly manipulative and abusive, I wouldn’t trust him/her with a puppy, let a lone a child, your upbringing had no structure, your mum, how she brought you up, wasn’t healthy or normal. You’re still hyper alert for any danger or disaster even though you no longer need to be, that time of life is over. You very likely have PTSD as well as lots of trauma,

Your mum forced you to be her shadow, anticipating her every need, you were trying so hard to be good enough for her to notice you exist.
That is what addicts try to mould their loved ones into, an enabler and a rescuer.
You are treating your BF like rescuer and demanding he does everything that keeps you feeling safe, like an enabler.

ok ill stop, i thought it was romantic, that's all

You were abused all through your childhood, of course you are going to come away from all that with distorted thinking.
That is what you have to be aware of, your mum is not a role model for you to emulate in any relationships.

I don't think I do "wrong" per say but I know that I'm very difficult. I'm really trying to change, hence i'm in therapy.

I wasn't aware that being the center of someone's universe is bad I thought it was romantic.

I'm very kind to my fiance, i also take care of him in my own way. Hugs, alot of affection, and if he needs something I go out and get it for him too

Nothing is worse than being completely controlled and suffocated by someone, if this really is happening to you then no online therapist can help, you need mental health support for your irrational and controlling behaviour.

we both want to make it work, but I know i'm on the last leg now, because he made it clear to me that he's willing to try one more time.

I'm REALLY trying and I will try my best with therapy. We are traveling soon next week and I want to make up fully before we go.

She put herself as the centre of your universe, you were not allowed to have any thoughts or feelings of your own, only she was important and it was your job to keep her happy.

Can you see how you are doing the same thing to your bf? Your mum was abusive, her actions were not right, this is not a healthy way to love, it drives people away.

To make a relationship work you do have to make it a priority but that should never come as a detriment to yourself. You’re expecting too much of your DP and need to take some responsibility for fixing your anxiety yourself

If you start to link your behaviour, to that of your mum’s, how she expected you to rescue her, you will start to understand how irrational and suffocating it is to your bf.
He loves you, he only wants to see his friends but you are convinced, the world will end, if he does. It’s totally irrational, it doesn’t make sense and it’s driving him away.

@togo1004 - it sounds like your therapist will be very helpful. It’s excellent that she is making you responsible for regulating your feelings and has given you homework to do. It’s not surprising that your upbringing left serious scars and deep anxiety. You had no healthy role models, only very damaged ones.

I can be anxious. It’s really important to practise doing the things that make you anxious. Otherwise your world will shrink to nothing. There seems to a real trend now to let people hide behind their anxiety rather than encouraging people to take positive steps. In fact, it worries me that people say they suffer from anxiety (which suggests they’re powerless in the face of it) rather than that they feel anxious.

So a really good thing to do would be to let your fiancé go out without you. That’s how you will learn that it’s safe for him to go out without you. You can plan a lovely evening of treats for yourself: books you like to read, films you like to watch etc. Meet your coffee friend. Work out what your interests are and pursue them.

Also, please change your diet. It’s awful. And eating all that sugar and drinking that coffee will be increasing your anxiety.

Don’t read your fiancé’s messages. He’s allowed to have privacy.

Finally, no adult should be the centre of another adult’s universe. We are all the centre of our own universe. In a loving relationship, there will be give and take where each person sometimes prioritises the other. A big part of being a properly functioning adult is that we look after our own needs. We don’t expect someone else to constantly look after us.

This is your opportunity to get healthy, OP. Good luck!

What you feel and fear, is not about your bf, it’s an echo of your original pain, as a child living with a heroin addict.
Everything you needed your mum to be, loving, soothing, loyal and kind, you expect your bf to fill that void. Your bf can’t mother you, only you can connect with the child you were. Validate her, tell her she deserved better than what she was subjected to, that she is safe now, adult Togo1004 will keep her safe by making healthy life choices and will heal from the past.

I have reported this thread yet again. If it is genuine it is harmful for the OP to be repeatedly attacked. She needs professional help not personal attacks.

And has been told by many posters to seek professional help

I hope to god this man has people in real life supporting him to end this relationship.

I think you've quite an entitled view

Please open the door isnt a big deal and as you say you do go out when it suits.

It isnt his job to make you feel better about everything. He didnt make you feel bad, didnt say anything nasty. This isnt a family tragedy. This is your being angry he asked you to open the door.

And even if the answer is no I cant. You have to see why thats frustrating for him. And youre making it all about your feelings

I was thinking exactly this, you are looking for someone to take care of you and make allowances for your anxieties. This is not what a supportive relationship would be, he is trying to make you face your fears and move forward, instead you are allowing your feelings to hold you back, rather than learning to manage them and grow as a person.

I don’t think he’s being insensitive and his request is perfectly reasonable. I think you should work to overcome these issues rather than expect him to work his life entirely around your needs. I used to have social anxiety but I stepped outside of my comfort zone and gradually worked my way through it. I think you should do the same.

If you can’t open the door to a tradesperson, you can’t function in society. Literally the guy will walk in ask to be directed to the filter, change it and then tell you he’s done and then leave. You’ll get more social interaction ordering a coffee at Starbucks.

You need to recognise you are very, very high maintenance, and it’s not remotely reasonable to expect him to bend over backwards to accommodate you the whole time.

Please leave this man.

Your attitude is terrible.

I have social anxiety, there’s not a hope I’d be meeting a stranger outside of my front door let alone for coffees and meals.

No. He shouldn’t be “making you feel better” he’s not actually done anything wrong.