Your mum being a heroin addict and you being forced in the role of her saviour explains everything about your disorders, your black and white thinking and you wanting your partner to save you.
As a baby, we think mum and us are not separate, we are one, as a toddler, we start to realise, we are a separate being, with our own needs and wants. That’s why toddlers have tantrums, they want what they desire and don’t understand that they can’t everything, it might be dangerous, too valuable to allow baby to have it or not good for them to have. When toddler falls over or hurts itself, they know mum will soothe them, or make it better. They start growing up, they begin to have their own personality, they could be very different to mum because, they are a separate person, their own person. Parents should accept it, come to terms with it because one day, that child will be an adult and you have to encourage them, to be themselves and learn to rely on themselves.
Your mum was running from trauma of the past, or maybe she got in with a bad crowd that did hard drugs, and became an addict. It was her own actions that caused her to become an addict.
You were her child, she was supposed to nurture and love you, unfortunately she was a heroin addict and incapable of bringing you up as you deserved. Addicts only think of the next fix, their own needs and desires, instead of you naturally becoming separate from her, becoming your own person, she made you her saviour. She absolved herself of any responsibility and forced it on you as a child. You were expected to be the parent, to save her from her herself, her addictions and even stop her from suicide. You was a child, you didn’t have to capability to be her rescuer, she forced you to not have needs or wants, only to serve her needs. When you voiced your needs, you were made to feel guilty, ashamed, you learnt early on to keep them hidden. You saw other children with healthy parents, you felt different, tainted and ashamed of yourself, you kept to yourself as you didn’t want them to find out about your mum and home life, how you were neglected, starved and mentally abused by your mum. You thought the other children had better lives, were loved because they were good, and you were obviously unlovable, really bad and tainted because your life was horrific.
First chance you got to escape from your mum, you ran, to a man from another country, you thought you could outrun the damage, your mum inflicted onto you.
You took your trauma with you, you took your mum’s addict view of life with you.
I am not responsible for myself.
I am not a separate being to the one I love.
I need someone to lose their own needs, desires to save me from myself.
Your disorders made you feel safe whilst you were living in traumatic circumstances.
There was hardly any food in the house, you were hungry most of the time, sometimes you were forced to eat food that smelt/ tasted funny, that made you feel sick. When you went to school, at dinner time, you were the only child who didn’t have have a lunch, you felt so ashamed, you told everyone, you wasn’t hungry, so they didn’t tease you. If on the occasions someone offered you food, your stomach was so unused to being full, that you would vomit. You felt more in control to not allowing yourself to eat, as being sick in front of anyone was shameful. The small amount of food you did eat were often sweet and sugary, you felt they took some of the pain away and gave you a high for a short time.
You found everything so chaotic as a child, living and caring for an addict, having to deny your needs, that certain actions, felt comforting. Whether it be checking the door was locked, washing your hands or having items stored a certain way etc. you felt if you didn’t do them, it meant something bad was going to happen, you were too young to realise, you couldn’t control the chaos, the abuse and traumatic events happening, even if you completed these rituals.
You didn’t mix much, you felt so ashamed, felt so different to other children an imposter, and got teased/bullied by them, that you hardly mixed. All your young life, you were hiding your mum’s addiction, the chaos of your home, you were warned by mum, to keep her secrets incase anyone found out, you would be taken away from her, to live with strangers. You took her shame and made it yours, you still feel you need to hide, to be scared that people might reject you, your still carrying your mum’s addiction as your own shame