Working on our issues but would like advice

[togo1004]

My fiance and I are working on our issues. I’ve posted here previously and he’s been helping more around the house which is really helping.

i have a worry that I’m making him sick. He’s been losing weight, and he won’t eat a lot anymore and says he full after a few bites. He doesn’t seem as positive as he used to be lately.

we seem to get along for a day or two and he acts insensitive to my needs and we have a fight. For example, today he asked me to do him a favor. He said the water filter person is coming tomorrow at 1pm and he has to go help his grandmother file some taxes so he won’t be around until 3pm. He asked me to open the door for the water filter man and if he has any questions, he can call him. I didn’t answer him right away and just froze. I have some social anxiety and sometimes it’s hard to even meet the delivery man to receive package at the front door. I told him why can’t you reschedule? He said babe just open the door for the man to do his job and call me if he has any questions. So I told him my anxiety is bad and I’m afraid he will start a conversation with me. He said why would the water filter man start a convo with you, you will be working on your computer and I’m sure the man just wants to do his job and leave. I started crying because he was being insensitive to my feelings and didn’t feel validated.

then he pointed out a fact that I went out to meet a stranger for coffee and dinner last week, and spent the entire evening with a new friend (his friends and he knows I have no friends and I often complain that I have no friends so his friend met someone outside who wants to learn Russian, I happen to be Russian and I wanted to learn Korean, she happens to be Korean so he got her number so we can chat and become friends). He said if you can do that you can open the door for the man and let him do his job.

he told me he doesn’t understand me. He said how can you be an introvert, but love going out with my friends to bars and clubs meeting new people to make friends but cannot open the door for the filter man?

he says he’s introverted and if he hangs out with his friends he needs alone time to recharge. He thinks that I’m not introverted, but extroverted but just has some social anxiety.

I eventually apologized to him because I realized I was giving him a hard time. This man does a lot for me, so I felt I needed to apologize.

he said he’s super tired of fighting over small things.

how do I stop fighting with him every few days? I’m having a hard time dealing with his insensitivity and feel that I can’t bring anything up with him.

That's a lot of trauma for one life. Hopefully laying it all out in a post like that might prompt you to see that you do have some issues, without assigning blame or shame for that.

It might help to research what an anxious attachment style looks like. It might resonate with you, and help find ways through it.

Dis you see the therapist in person, you've been posting on here all morning,

I feel like crying now that you have a little understanding for me.. I know it's not my partner deep down inside but when emotions are high it seems like hes just insensitive.

It was really eye opening to speak to therapist today and I really hope i can heal

online therapist because I'm not too rich.

another thing she mentioned was that I cannot rely on my fiance to constantly validate me or calm me down when I have panic attacks.

It's something I have to do it myself, but she said we can do exercises later to increase that capacity.

She got through a lot in 45 minutes!

Are you paying her? You've said you found an online therapist because you can't afford an in person one. But does this person have any qualifications? How did you find her? Last night you managed to have a serious three hour conversation with your fiance and find a therapist that had an available appointment this morning in a three hour gap between posts, so how much time did you actually spend looking for someone suitable?

It’s not his job to regulate your emotions. Poor guy.

I'm glad you heard this from her, and that she wants to help you overcome your anxiety.
It will make a world of difference to your relationships once you're able to take responsibility for your own emotions / actions.

I found her quickly. I found a cheaper one with lower reviews but high quality reviews. I think so far she’s ok we addressed generally what’s going on and she is willing to help me deal with them 1 by 1

Do you need validation from the friends you have had? Do you think you may have emotionally drained them? I’m not accusing you of doing so, just trying to see where you might be putting them off having a long or close friendship with you.

His friends probably like you because you’re not draining them, just accepting them as his friends and don’t require or need anything deeper from them , so they like you at face value. Maybe try and see the different expectations you have of his friends and your own female friendships and your own bf.

Therefore it is also your job, as his fiancée, to make him feel safe, do you?

It’s all me, me, me, I, I, I. How would you feel if he’d finally had enough and left you?

ive never expected this from my friends but from my best friend I did expect her to be there for me as I was there for her.

she even lived with my family for a while because her parents had to work in another city. We visited Korea together and I even paid for our Airbnb long ago just because she’s my best friend.

but when she met her now husband she just slowly disappeared and didn’t want anything to do with me.

I have a new friend now she’s much younger than me but she’s very nice. We plan to meet again soon, we just drink coffee and talk about normal things.

ive tried making friends in this country a lot of them just disappear or ghost after a meeting or two.

I just don’t understand why. I really am jealous of my finances relationship with his friends. They are so close, like blood brother level, they are so loyal to each other.

I really, really believe it's fake.

Did this therapist have any professional qualifications? Did you go for the lower or higher reviews, did you pay her anything.

ive tried making friends in this country a lot of them just disappear or ghost after a meeting or two.

"I was with him, another friend at a bakery and I nearly collapsed when he said that and broke out into tears and they had to calm me down."

This is how you reacted in public when your boyfriend said that, in theory, you shouldn't snoop through his phone in case there are private messages about other people on it. This was how you reacted to a discussion where he didn't agree with your opinion, that's all. Now think about how you behave with people you are trying to make friends with. If you act like this every time someone says something that doesn't fit into your very narrow view, I'm not surprised you drive them away. You really, really need to consider the consequences to your actions.

OP I think you have had a lot of trauma and difficulty to deal with in your life and this has resulted in things being a lot harder for you.

It is probably not surprising that all of that has an impact on your friendships and relationships. If you work at therapy and find some techniques to help you deal with your anxiety and work through some of the things that have happened to you I imagine you will see great improvements in your life and your relationships.

No partner or friend is going to be able to fix you or take away these problems however much 'validating' they do. You are chasing an easy fix which is, of course, human nature but the reality is you have work to do.

Taking life advice from instagram is not the answer. You need to own your issues and be ready to address and fix them. If you don't do that then it is likely you are seeking that 'fix' from the people around you and that is pushing them away.

Your partner has friends he has known a long time. You can have that too but it will take time and effort. it is not your fault you have had to go through difficulty and trauma but it is not anyone else's fault or responsibility either.

Getting help is a brave and important first step.

Yes she is certified. I went with a Russian therapist as I’m Russian myself and I can speak Russian better than English.

i paid her for 1 session so far and she told me to text her if I wanna continue, I need sometimes to process everything we spoke about today. So I will text her before next Friday if I decide to keep her or go see someone else.

You need to get help with your anxiety immediately op. Get some counselling.

Your written English is excellent, are you living in the UK. If you continue with online therapy you're better staying with one person rather than find someone else just so they can listen to the same issues. Why don't you speak to your GP and Mind about therapy.

So the feeling you have around him leaving you is okay - probably codependency related: you feel safe as long as you’re in control (he’s home or you go too). It’s a bit like an addiction but he’s your fix. I say it’s okay because the aim isn’t to ignore that feeling and push it down. The aim is explore why you feel so dependent on someone else for happiness. It will have absolutely nothing to do with your partner (hence why individual therapy is the key to progress). Most likely, your early experiences will help explain it and piece by piece, you’ll untangle all of the worry and anxiety and fear and it’ll make you make happier and less codependent. This will mean a healthier relationship for both of you.

But you have to put in the effort to change. By going or not letting him go to see friends, you’re not fixing the issue, you’re just feeding it. Again, like a habit. It’s not healthy for either of you. You need to train yourself to let him go and feel all those feelings and realise that they will pass. Rational and irrational feelings are temporary, as scary and big as they may feel. You need to slowly and gently learn that him leaving you doesn’t mean you have to fall apart. Your partner’s role in this is exceptional communication. Not in a controlling way, more in a ‘I will be back by this time at the latest’ or here’s a message that I’m here and I’ll let you know when I’m heading home. This is purely to support you as you work on your issues. Further down the line, you should be able to handle him slowly reducing this communication. Eventually, you should be able to manage the whole leavening with no contact and no spiralling. I hope your first session was okay.

You can’t go round nearly collapsing and in tears because you’ve been told not to do something, especially when people, who have no vested interest in you, then have to either help or stand by and watch. It’s no wonder they are backing out the door. You need to talk to your therapist about building up self-awareness (not the self-absorption you currently have).

It’s obvious your childhood has brought on this insatiable (and it is insatiable) need to be validated and heard. All of this behaviour is really the little neglected girl of the past in an adult body today. Try to imagine how it feels for all these adults having to constantly deal with a difficult and demanding young child every time they are in your presence.

Thank you I live in Asia~. I’m thinking I will just stick with this lady as she was pretty attentive to me.

You’ve clearly experienced a shed load of trauma and it’s understandable that you now find yourself struggling with your mental health, independence and relationships. Have you ever been assessed by a psychiatrist?

Sorry but I’d be punching the walls if I had to be with the OP who absolutely needs to have long deep and excellent therapy