Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

[Uberella]

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken.

He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man.

Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends.

I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it.

I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning.

I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

The announcements would put me on edge, talking to you and saying he thinks he is bi is one thing, wanting to announce it to friends is another, why is it necessary if he intends to be monogamous. I'd also be concerned that coming to this later in life there is a side of his sexuality he hasn't explored and will want to. I would date a bisexual man but this scenario i wouldn't like.

Being attracted to someone you married isn’t set in stone and is not unconditional.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP.

Give yourself today and tomorrow to be sad, cry etc, but then be angry and use that anger to be productive. See a solicitor, get paper work, accounts and pensions in order.

He obviously has a long term plan, so you need to have one too. If he planned on staying faithful and happily married this wouldn't be public news, with you the last to know.

Quite manipulative to tell others first, get the "you're so brave" speech, so then you have to nod and smile when in public with friends and family.

That’s a really big piece of news to digest and if you’re husband did feel the need to share it, then he absolutely should have told you first - and given you the chance to wrap your head around it and discuss things through - before telling anyone else. He owed you that much at least.

I would ask him to leave. It’s only a matter of time before he hooks up with a fella if he hasn’t done so already. I wouldn’t trust him after this. Why does he feel the need to broadcast it now? Bizarre.

I probably shouldn't say this and I wouldn't normally bring this up, but I think it's relevant context that that poster (not you, the person you are replying to) spends most of their time on here arguing that women don't have a right to spaces without men in them and that they should believe that men are women when men want them to. This further attempt to erode and undermine women's consent is entirely consistent with their belief that women are bigots for saying no to men.

My attraction to my husband would die in an instant if if I discovered he was bisexual - absolutely.

I do not have the ‘equipment’ or the desire to meet his needs, and would find it undesirable to be with a man that found men attractive. It would fundamentally change our marriage and relationship.

The weird thing is ‘announcing’ to various people. If he’s in a monogamous relationship his sexuality is irrelevant, he’s not shagging anyone other than his wife, ever.

I’m bisexual, but for real life purposes I’m DH-sexual. DH didn’t know I was bi when we started dating because I didn’t know (we were very young). But who I think is attractive doesn’t matter because the only person I’m interested in having sex with his him.

The OP’s been told this just to pave the way for something else, and I have nothing but sympathy for her. It’s a rotten thing to do, the swine.

The information that he is bisexual is relevant only to you as his sexual partner, unless he plans on divorcing you.

It’s either a very private conversation between a couple: eg “DW - I admit I have sexual feelings for men but I’m not going to act on it. Let’s talk about this…”

Or a public reason for splitting up : DC, family, friends, I have sexual feelings for men and am bisexual hence DW and I are getting a divorce.

Why otherwise would anyone outside your marriage need to know he is sexually attracted to men as well as women? How is that relevant outside of your bedroom? It’s really gross of him, frankly, to bring your children into this.

The matter should be confidential and discrete - unless he is leaving you.

Thank you that makes perfect sense.

My husband is bisexual, it doesn't mean he's going to cheat it's just a part of who he is. Maybe he feels like he's had to suppress a part of himself for all these years and he just wants to feel able to be known as hid full self, there's nothing wrong with that.

@Soulfulunfurling so these posts are fine and helpful to the OP and her marriage, but my posts challenging this stereotyping and prejudice (which is the root of OP’s pain) are not allowed ?

Maybe he feels he needs to share that part of himself. Maybe he’s learned/discovered something later in his life and feels it’s important people know this.

Do you think it’s something he should be ashamed of? A dirty little secret? If not, there’s no reason not to tell people.

it doesn’t mean he’s looking to cheat or has already.

Telling his daughters first is odd and I think disrespectful to the OP. He needed to tell his wife first.

Not necessarily. For me, I saw someone explain how they align their faith and sexuality in a way that suddenly let me see myself clearly (I'd always fancied women and joked about being a lesbian but it's hard to acknowledge that when your family would disown you).

You are completely missing the point, perhaps deliberately. OPs partner of 20 years has suddenly said he’s bi, and she needs to know why he’s said it now. She’s also upset that he never mentioned it before. Nothing to do with hating bi people she’s not married to.

Why do people feel the need to announce their sezuality? Is it just attention seeking? It is a private matter between you and your OH and nothing to do with friends or family.
If he has no intention of acting on it .... no need to share. In fact sharing with you even is pointless.

He's being a diva.

Right. I challenge both homophobia and transphobia because neither are helpful to society , nor are they helpful to OP as both her children are gay and her husband has just told her he’s bisexual.

I assume your dh was honest from the beginning and you had the opportunity to choose what was right for you. That’s the difference. You haven’t lived a lie for decades.

Why are you challenging it? Why should OP be challenged about it? She is entitled to feel devastated and is entitled to think about leaving her husband because of it.

And do you challenge liars?

If my son had come out after having married a woman and having children I’d certainly have wanted to understand why he had gone ahead with that when he must have had an inkling at least. I don’t believe someone’s sexual orientation flips from heterosexual to homosexual. It’s an incredibly traumatic thing to put on a partner and children, and if you suspected all along, which I believe would be the case, it would be difficult to justify. If someone is attracted to either sex but remains happy and fulfilled in their current relationship there is no need to ‘come out’ at all. It’s irrelevant.

A lot of the usual biphobia on this thread...

Looking at it from a different point of view I wonder whether your husband did this because both your daughter are gay. He probably felt in a way that he was showing even more support by stating that he also wasn't straight and the fact that they are so open gave him the push to do the same.

Being bi does not mean you cannot be monogamous and that you are not happy with one partner.

There is so much biphobia and general ignorance (as many comments on this thread show...) that it is still very difficult for men especially I think to 'come out'.

I am also not quite sure how you think it will look like to your daughters if you walk out because your husband has disclosed that he is bi.

Unless he is telling you that he wants an open marriage or admit to cheating, it is odd to me that you would consider leaving a happy marriage because your partner can also find men attractive.

Being bi is not something to be ashamed of.

Right. I stand by the right to choose. I stand by free will. I stand by honesty and integrity. I stand by being true to one self. I believe in monogamous marriages that are rooted in respect and love from the beginning, not lies.

I stand by the fact sex between men with men is completely different to sex in a heterosexual relationship and it’s okay not to like or choose to have nothing to do with either.

You can’t force your views on other people. Full stop.

When did you find out he was bi?

So much biphobia on here...!

I wouldn't mind if my dh was bisexual, there's lots of men who might only feel able to come out or think about it later in life - it doesn't mean he's going to cheat or go off with a man - nothing to cry about op.