Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

[Uberella]

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken.

He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man.

Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends.

I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it.

I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning.

I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

I've thought quite a bit about this while reading this thread.

I've known DH for over a quarter of a century. I trust him deeply and don't think he would ever cheat on me. If he told me he'd been bisexual all along he would feel like a stranger suddenly because I would look back and think I'd never really properly known him. And my trust would struggle as it relies on honesty.

If he told me that he'd recently realised he has feelings towards men, I wouldn't feel as betrayed but he would still feel like a different person. I'm not in anyway homophobic. I have bi friends (male and female) and don't equate it with being promiscuous. But there would suddenly be a new angle to my husband and I would struggle. And my trust would be under threat because it would worry me if these feelings were new that over time they might get to the point where he really wanted to try some sort of same-sex experience.

So either way I think it would make me feel very unhappy. Because he is my most intimate relationship so a whole new part of him being revealed would rock me. If he had told my children before telling me it would be awful. The least I would want would be for me to hear first and then for us to make a joint decision about what we told our children.

Would you feel the same if he said "I'm also attracted to blonde/brunette women". Would you feel that he was a stranger to you?

People can claim not to be homophobic until it affects them personally.

@YesterdaysFuture stop calling women names for not wanting to do something.

If there is one place in your life where you have absolute agency to make a personal choice it’s who you choose to have a sexual relationship with. This cannot be denied. Choosing a partner of one sexual preference over another doesn’t not make you phobic. The same could be said of a gay man who decides he is bisexual, I’m sure this would upset some gay men if their partners decided to reveal this. Does this make him heterophobic (I’m sure identity bullshit doesn’t even extend that far for this to be an actual word).

I think this has already been said on this thread so little point in going around in circles if this concept is still out of your grasp.

Of course not. I don't see hair colour as something material to who someone is. Their sex is. I think it's a pointless equivalency.

I would feel uncomfortable if my DH took my teenage dc aside to tell them this, and it would be strange of him to randomly do so.

Are you claiming that someone's sexual orientation carries no more weight than hair colour? That being attracted to men and/or women is just as superficial as finding a particular hair colour sexy or not? If I say that I'm a hetero woman and I'm not attracted to any women at all, ever, and I'm not attracted to men with blond hair, do you think that's exactly the same thing?

The lengths people will justify making women feel shit about being decisive about who gets to shag them.

I also think that people saying that they would suddenly lose interest in their partners if they expressed same-sex attraction is homophobia/biphobia just that people are unwilling to admit it and don't want to be labelled as such., it doesn't.

Meh, I don't really care. I think the time of being able to use "phobic" to shame people is passing.

No one is saying you don’t have absolute agency, but it’s worth asking oneself why an aversion to bisexuality, something which has no tangible impact on your life whatsoever, exists.

Exactly
I don’t care if other people are happy to be with a partner who is bisexual or they are happy that’s fine

i wouldn’t be happy with a partner who is bisexual in the same way I wouldnt be with someone who smokes or takes drugs
or is a raging alcoholic or a vegan 😂

You're talking shit and continue to do so. We like what we like. If it bothers you, tough.

You don’t think your partner waking up one sunny morning after 20 years of marriage and telling you I am into men - but I’m not going to act on it so we can just carry on we are

batshit crazy if you think that’s not going to make a difference to the relationship

No one has said that bisexuality is inherently problematic in a heterosexual relationship, just that it would be problematic in theirs. Why are you banging on, page after page trying to force women to justify themselves? It’s coercive and deeply offensive. They are entitled to feel what they feel and don’t owe you an explanation.

Honestly it makes no tangible difference to you. It makes a difference to me and that’s all that actually matters if it involves who I share my sexual self with.
If you have just joined this thread then you should go back and read the whole thing because you are circling back to something that has been discussed in depth. You are not going to convince me or any one else who feels the same as me that I am homophobic because I choose to not have sex with men who have sex with other men.

I agree it’s like
I’m ok with it so everyone else must be as well

Water off a duck's back now. There was a time when someone calling me homophobic would have triggered a long period of self reflection. To be honest 'homophobic' specifically might still trigger that. But biphobic just because I would reject a bi partner? Transphobic for pointing out that TW are different to women?

Not so much.

I'd actually have zero issue getting into a relationship with a bisexual man I knew was bisexual. Hell, I had a pointless crush on a gay man back in my youth. It would be finding out that the person I thought I knew inside out had a big element of himself he'd never shared with me that would rock me. Or that he was changing into someone new that might want new things that didn't include me. I genuinely don't see any homophobia in that, unless the idea that someone's sexuality is an important part of what makes them them is totally ignored.

@Didimum seems to have a problem with women not living their life like her.

No one is saying you can't write whatever the heck you want on MN, but it's worth asking yourself why you have such an aversion to women choosing to have intimate relationships with men who are not bisexual when it has no tangible impact on your life whatsoever. Maybe just acknowledge that other women's choices regarding their sexual partners are no concern of yours and stop constantly banging on about it?

Not the same. OP would have the option to at least change her hair colour if she wanted. I don’t think anyone decides after twenty odd years of marriage that they actually prefer another hair colour that much to the point of maybe destroying their marriage, and it wouldn’t be an integral part of who they are.

It is not homophobic for a straight person to not want their life partner to be bi or gay 🙄

It would be interesting to hear why it’s ’talking shit’. It’s likely because you simply don’t like it.

Nowhere did I say it bothers me. I’ve posed questions which most people have answered with openness and politeness, even if they disagree, without resorting to swearing.

I didn’t say it wouldn’t. I’ve asked how, however.

Would I be right in thinking you are not straight?

😂😂