Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

[Uberella]

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken.

He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man.

Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends.

I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it.

I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning.

I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

Its usually women who are with bisexual men who can't handle the fact lots of women just wouldn't be with one. It's like they are taking it personally.

I hate how some replies on here are so unwilling to see how nuanced the reaction is to this situation. Infidelity - and the lies that go with it. is awful and people won’t like this but the nuance of this type of infidelity is different- not worse or more important but different. If you’ve never experienced it and want to come on and accuse and gaslight the OP I would question why it’s always women who have to capitulate like we’re foam filler for all the ills of men. I say that knowing that women cheat too I am just putting it in the context of this particular OP. I noticed OP hasn’t come back - she reached out and was shat on. Those of us who only want to support and understand come from a place of recognising a poster needing compassion. Shame on the others who kick someone when she was / is down. You got this OP even if you feel as if you’re whole world has been turned upside down.

I have a female friend who actually did this came out as bi and left her long term partner of 13 years for a woman. I have several other bi-friends with open relationships.

From my experience when someone comes out and informs a lot of people it's because they are going to change the dynamics of there current relationship, not necessarily leave but explore there sexuality And I don't just mean physically they could just want to talk openly about there attractions, explore other things in the bedroom etc.

Nobody has to explain or justify to anyone why certain things give them the ick. End of story.

Is it? I’m not sure we can see that information from the women posters questioning the issue. Have they said so on this thread?

Absolutely. I have said a few times further up thread that the ‘coming out’ aspect is concerning.

Nowhere did I say they did. It’s a discussion forum though, so concepts will be discussed.

But how can he declare himself bisexual if he has never and says he won’t explore sex with another male? So this is just an unfulfilled desire?

Because you see people / celebrities and find them attractive in the ‘fancying them’ capacity? You can know you fancy someone without having kissed them or had sex with them. If you feel that way about both sexes, then surely that’s bisexuality, if you don’t then it’s heterosexuality.

I don’t understand how this equates to an ‘unfulfilled desire’ though – it’s just fancying someone, which everyone does throughout life. Heterosexual people shelve sexual desire for others because they choose to be committed and faithful to their partner.

If someone only fancied different-sex but had never had a boyfriend or girlfriend/was a virgin, would you question the validity of their sexuality?

You don’t have to have sex with the same gender to know you are bisexual. Just as any virgin can know they are straight. Or any straight person can simply know they aren’t bisexual or gay.

YKWYK

I can appreciate a good looking woman as much as my husband can appreciate a good looking man.

Does ‘fancying’ equate to sexual attraction? Is that what the OPs husband is saying? That he is sexually attracted to other men but has not and will not act on it?

I recognise a few posters that have been on similar threads.

Only OP knows what OP’s husband is saying specifically, but she isn’t returning to fill us in on any of that.

Otherwise. Don’t be a child. You can think “That is an attractive woman” without it being sexual attraction. You know the difference.
The OP’s husband is presumably sexually attracted to other women in the hypothetical and has agreed not to act on it, as I would hope all the husbands being spoke about here are. Why is it different to say, in the hypothetical, that they know they have sexual attraction to men also but would not act on this either as they are in a monogamous relationship?

It's perfectly valid to not want to be married to whoever you don't want to be married to. I wouldn't want to be married to a bisexual man not because I'm phobic but because that's my preference for my own life. One of my dds is bisexual and I couldn't care less.

However has he always known or has he come to realise recently? Because either way I see an issue, if he's always known then you were effectively lied to. If it's recent I can't imagine realising I was bisexual in my later years without wanting to explore that part of me. Maybe I'm wrong, someone who has been in that situation could give you their take on things.

Bit isn't that the same for any monogamous relationship? Doesn't being with one woman mean he can't ever try someone with bigger/smaller boobs, blonde/ginger/brunette hair and so on?

Why is about being attracted to men and not acting on it different to being attracted to other women and not acting on it?

Why are you calling me a child?

I am a heterosexual woman married to a heterosexual man. If I am asking questions about how a man comes out 20 years into a heterosexual sexual marriage that he is in fact bisexual, I think I am allowed to ask questions on something that is completely foreign to me.

Seems as though the more fluid thinking of you all are ironically more likely to be condescending to those of us who genuinely don’t understand. Funny.

I would personally say ‘fancying’ equates to sexual attraction yes. It feels distinct from simply recognising that someone is a good looking person.

The acting on it is obviously the crux of any faithful, committed relationship, whether your bi or straight!

Any person of any sexuality knows the difference between fancying someone and being able to say they are an objectively attractive person.

But you’d have to worry that your male partner was going to cheat for this to be an issue. If you’re worried about them cheating, are you saying that’s inherent to bisexuality?

I do think that bisexual men are probably more likely to cheat, yes, but not bisexual women.

Yes maybe you do. Fancying is not a word I would use for either to be honest. I am not from the Uk.

So no… you’re wrong.

As a recent PP has said, it is not the declaration of bisexuality that is the most important thing, it is the sudden announcement of a fundamental change that is concerning.
In a lot of cases, an announcement like this leads to disclosure that the man has already been having sex with men, or that he is going to, or that further down the line he will say he is gay. Similarly, if he suddenly started going to the gym, totally changed his wardrobe and started working late a lot. That could be a man wanting to be healthier, take care of himself and earn a bit more money, a lot of times it is not.

It is nothing to do with accusing bisexual people of being more likely to cheat or that bisexuality is wrong.

I also think if my husband said to me that he finds men in general attractive I would equate that to sexual attraction. Considering one man or a celebrity to be an objectively attractive human is not sexual attraction.

Is that because they’re a man or because their bisexual?

This is just semantics though.