Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

[Uberella]

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken.

He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man.

Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends.

I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it.

I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning.

I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

Your sexuality has everything to do with your relationship with the person you married and how it affects the person you married.

If someone is attracted to the person they married, how does someone’s sexuality affect the person they married (or anyone else?).

If my dh found the idea of anal sex with a man attractive or with anyone then we would no longer be compatible. Is it not obvious? We are happily married for two decades because we are compatible sexually and in all ways.

Because men are more likely to cheat than women and also more likely to have sexually transmitted diseases.

Women have instincts for a reason.

There would be a feeling that his sex life with me would always be so limited. Like it was a sacrifice in some way for him to be in a life long relationship with someone that doesn’t fully satisfy him. That would bother me a lot if I was in a relationship with a bi man.

There would be a fear that one day he would think life is too short to not explore that side of his sexuality that is lying dormant and ignored - and for me that would create insecurity.

Also knowing there is a huge part of his needs not being met in any way whatsoever is a huge ask. I am not going to compromise the health of my body to meet his needs - so they don’t get met. But you can’t ignore it. You can’t ’switch off’ parts of yourself like that.

Sexuality should be free and untamed, to be enjoyed and celebrated, not ignored and locked away. So no, it wouldn’t work for me not because I am prejudiced in any way simply because it’s not compatible with my values and choices, I would feel I was depriving him of being true to himself - and would feel the sacrifice was too much. He could feel committed and still feel the loss of that part of himself too.

I’m struggling to see how it matters if he’s not doing it/doesn’t care about doing it if he’s in a relationship with you. It seems like an arbitrary and imagined thing if it’s not happening, not being asked for and not being desired.

Isn’t that an argument for not being with a man at all though?

And if it isn’t, are you saying bisexual people are more likely to cheat?

I would seriously question the desire element, that would still be there - just buried and ignored. See my post above.

For me, I suppose, this really just amounts to a belief that bisexual men have an inability to be faithful or control their desires.

Is this belief the same for bisexual women? If not, why not?

So it seems this really just boils down to a belief about bisexual people, which seems rather misplaced.

I think it's worrying because he's announcing it to people. Which means it's likely he would want to act on it or he wouldn't bother telling people.

You really are not listening.

look at my other post.

I’d agree the ‘coming out’ part of this is the concerning part.

I have read that post. I’m asking if it’s the same belief for bisexual women. I’m also wondering where the belief comes from if you haven’t experienced it for yourself and the bisexual person is saying that this isn’t the case.

If it’s a belief based on inaccuracies, misinformation and untruths, then it’s a misplaced belief.

I have no doubt that some bi dh/dw are completely sexually fulfilled and happily married.

I suspect there is a minority that are not, and are either suppressing or ignoring a large part of their sexuality.

There is less security because the other partner by default, can not offer this at all, not in any way can they offer to meet that need. And there is something about being quite impotent in not being able to meet all of your partner’s needs sexually.

So the needs of the bi partner go unmet or ignored. Whether that is possible ‘forever’ I don’t know, but it’s a huge ask isn’t it?

Even if they are doing so very willingly, and are a 110% committed - it will be a sacrifice and a loss of that part of themselves. That’s my view.

I think what I am saying is just common sense. You might not like it or agree with it, you don’t have to. That’s my view on the subject.

I still don’t understand how this specifically applies to bisexual people and not all people? Bisexual people are attracted to both sexes, so their sexual desires can be met by their opposite-sex partner. If you believe that their desires can’t be met by their opposite-sex partner, this seems to be a misbelief in actual bisexuality. If you believe that they need ‘both’ and not just ‘either’ then this also seems to be misinformation about bisexuality – or indeed the individual.

You are refusing to look at this properly. If my dh likes having sex with men I can’t offer that to him can I as a woman?

That means to be in a committed, monogamous relationship with me he will no longer have sex with men. There will be a part of his sexuality and desires that will NOT be met ever again. The touch, experience, and all things that make gay sex pleasure able will be gone - for good.

It’s not to say he won’t enjoy himself with me, but that a large part of his sexual life with men will be over for good. So that is a loss, to him. Of course it is.

You can sit in denial I suppose and say it’s nothing and he has me and that’s all he needs, that doesn’t actually make it true does it.

No wonder the OP hasn't been back to the thread since page 1, and we're now on page 30. Countless dozens of posts lecturing and finger wagging, searching for offence and shouting about hate and phobias, demanding that women explain and rationalise their own needs and desires, or lack of them. It's simply bizarre to me how obsessed some people here are with who other people do or don't want to have intimate relationships with. How can it possibly be of anyone else's concern whether some MNers are willing to have sex with bi men or not? You can't scold people into wanting things they don't actually want.

I would strongly recommend anyone in this position gets some counselling.

You can’t spend your life in denial pretending someone’s sexuality doesn’t matter or isn’t there. If he likes gay sex, and you are a woman that is going to mean either him suppressing his sexual needs, or you becoming flexible to an open marriage.

You can’t distort the fact that you are not going to ever be able to offer gay and straight sex simultaneously at any point.

An anus has one function

Dear lord 😂

So adorable, the way you cut off what she actually said in order to laugh at her: An anus has one function only in my life.

It’s saying that you double the risk of your husband cheating and your potential to get a disease from him cheating.

I use mine as a candlestick holder on special family occasions such as Xmas dinner.

This is such a good point. Many women want to feel that they can meet all their partner’s needs. If he also desires men then is it really surprising that many women will find that problematic? It creates an imbalance because the woman will be expected to be fulfilled in her marriage but the she may not feel she can expect the same from her DH.

I don’t think it’s fair to say I’m ‘refusing to look at something properly’. Properly to who? Sexuality and sexual attraction is subjective to the individual feeling those feelings.

If my dh likes having sex with men I can’t offer that to him can I as a woman? No, but he’s not gay, he’s bisexual. So why does it matter if he’s committed to you as the person he’s attracted to?

There will be a part of his sexuality and desires that will NOT be met ever again. The touch, experience, and all things that make gay sex pleasure able will be gone - for good. How is this any different to a bisexual woman? And again, being bisexual means having ‘either’ because your attracted and desire is to either, not ‘both’. Therefore why does it matter that you are shelving same-sex sex forever? Are you saying bisexual people can’t do that?

You can sit in denial I suppose and say it’s nothing and he has me and that’s all he needs, that doesn’t actually make it true does it. What makes it ‘true’ is the individual partner saying it and feeling it – they are the one that knows this, not the person outside of them. You can have beliefs about anyone’s inability to be faithful and not desire something ‘more’ or ‘different’ – how does bisexuality change that?

‘Denial’ is the rejection of the truth, but the truth has to be known first. You, as the non-bisexual partner, do not know this truth. Anyone else is an assumption of what you believe it means and how it feels to be bisexual.