Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

[Uberella]

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken.

He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man.

Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends.

I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it.

I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning.

I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

It's never a lie to not share something you don't want to share. Unless she specifically asked if he's bisexual and he said no.

Furthermore, not to list to your wife all the people you find sexually attractive isn't in the least bit unethical. Do you also need to tell your wife you think her sister or your coworker is sexually attractive?

it’s super weird he told your children too. Why do they need to know!

Expressing disgust doesn't require someone to use the word disgust - below are some of the quotes where the language has led me to believe there are people on the boards who feel some sort of disgust about bisexuality. I am not trying to call out individuals here per se (I am sorry to those who I quoted if they didn't really mean the language as emotively as it came across to me) but I think its extremely disingenuous to suggest that no one on this board has indicated they feel some disgust about bisexuality.

To be clear, I am a completely heterosexual woman and to my knowledge have only dated heterosexual men (not that I've ever really asked the question as I don't tend to discuss my partners sexual past personally). I also don't think whether I or any other poster is straight or queer should be particularly relevant to how valid my or their reaction is to some of the language used on this post.

“Women are not put on Earth to be beards for bisexual men.”
“Of course you don’t want to be married to someone that is bisexual. I wouldn’t either.”
“Bisexual men are also well known to become more gay leaning with age.”
“People who lie about their sexuality to trap someone into a marriage are the lowest of the low. When the person finds out the truth, they feel as though they’ve lived a lie their entire life. I am sorry this is happening to you. Unfortunately, it seems as though he might actually be gay but has told you bi to soften the blow.”
“He’s probably still lying to himself a bit here too. He knows he’s gay but if telling himself and others he’s bisexual helps, he’ll do that for now. Bi now gay later. With men.”
“Men want to put their dicks in people whenever they can”
“A bisexual man and a bisexual woman aren't equal as you probably know. This might come across as sexist or whatever, I don't care. It's my opinion. The chances of this man acting on it is high.”
“Sexuality is often instinctive, some men will be appealing to me and some downright repulsive. If I have to think myself into being fine with something then I’m really not ok with it, you can’t think your way into attraction. It’s like those trans people who claim that if you are a lesbian who doesn’t find transwomen attractive that good hard think about your prejudices should help you find them attractive. It’s a guilt trip.”
“And many lesbians - myself included - distrust bisexuals, for good reason.”
“”'bi now gay later' is HUGELY biphobic”… No it isn’t. It’s true, for men almost always. Women no, we’re different.”
“The things I've witnessed being around my gay cousin and cheating bi men/married men, it would turn your stomach. A bi woman and a bi man are simply not the same thing. There is a very good reason why a bi woman is far more acceptable to a man than a bi man is to a woman.”
“My experience of bisexual men, is they are never truly satisfied with a woman. They often want to explore 3 sums, they want to suggest it's for the woman's pleasure and they are going along with it, but really they are excited by the idea.”
“I just see how they use it as an excuse to cheat as they see it "it's not cheating as it's not another woman" brigade!!!”
“Sorry OP but a person can’t be bisexual and married to a woman. At least in my mind I believe this. If this were possible then by nature of the fact that he is in a monogamous relationship with a woman he would be heterosexual.”
“I think he's going to come out as a crossdresser/ trans.”
“I suppose you’re a gay man who hates women.”

“You are either bi or have a bi partner because you and a few other posters are taking it personally.”
“it's the sex they want and it's not cheating in their opinion as it's not women”

Some women don’t want to marry a man who puts his penis in other men’s anuses - that’s not wrong and it’s not homophobic either.

You’re talking nonsense. Men and women simply don’t have the same behaviour patterns when it comes to sex. To say otherwise in the name of some sort of performative equality is simply disingenuous.

It’s definitely not homophobic to decide that you would not enjoy or agree to be with a man that finds putting his penis in a man’s anus pleasurable .

It would only be homophobic if you discriminated or in some other way disadvantaged him for doing so. I would imagine most pp on this forum would not do so, and are not remotely homophobic.

That does not mean they would want this person to be their own life partner though - that is a deeply personal choice. It’s up to them.

I have noticed repeatedly bi people on here insisting that pp should not mind, or it shouldn’t make a difference etc. seemingly to take it very personally that some people may not like it.

That is distortion and controlling behaviour.

Threatening to label people bigots simply because they do not find your choices attractive is not cool. Not everyone will feel comfortable with a bi partner, and that is fine, it is a personal choice. It is their body/life - their choice.

Exactly, people have lost sight of all common sense. These people who call others bigots for not wanting intimate relationships with other people for any reason (as is their right!) are actually endorsing rape culture. And that’s why it needs to stop.

As a minimum you can’t force other people to find your sexual choices attractive/appealing/interesting.

I would find it repulsive being with a man that has sex with other men. Absolutely. There is no way I would consider a relationship with him.

I am not judging him or discriminating against his choices, he can do exactly as he pleases, that doesn’t mean he has access to me or my body though.

Some bi people think why should it matter? And it is a lack of education or understanding rooted in homophobia. It is not, it’s just a choice like any other. They seem to feel supremely uncomfortable with someone else not liking it. Perceiving it as judgment rather than choice.

The concept of laws around homophobia etc are protective as it should be, but some people are taking it too far. Becoming like the thought police and controlling in nature.

You can be accepted in society and not discriminated against in any way, but that does not mean everyone will find you attractive! Or should be forced to regardless of their own values/sexual orientation etc. I am deeply uncomfortable with the gradual muzzling of free and open choice.

Is not wanting to be married to a man who puts his penis in other men’s anus’ discriminatory?

That is the problem here. The OP has every right to not want to be married to a bisexual man whether he has acted on it or not. Not really sure you can call yourself bisexual if you haven’t or say you would never explore it?

nah - I expect my husband to fancy me a woman as his wife

not to fancy a man and want to fuck them

why would I ask my husband if he is bisexual
he’s never mentioned it in 20 odd years and if he all of a sudden did I would find it fucking weird and assume he always felt that way and used me to hide his “authentic self “

How does being bisexual change who they are or their/her lifestyle?

Why does it change anything?

FYI - my first comment on this particular posts still stands.

well maybe the fact that he’s hidden a big part of him to his wife for 20 years to start with

he has lied to her
she married him as a straight heterosexual man

he’s not and never was straight
you don’t wake up one Monday morning and think oh I’m bisexual and I better tell my wife

he’s lied lied consistently for 20 odd years and that’s hill to die on for most people

Mmmm - you really don’t get it do you
I want what ever drugs you are on cos they are fucking good

The majority of people don’t like being lied to for 20 years

he isn’t who she thought he was
She thought she was marrying Bob the straight heterosexual man

he’s Bob the liar who feels it’s perfectly ok
to lie to his partner about his sexual preferences

its fairly obvious that if he had told his wife from the start he was bisexual she wouldn’t have married him

so he lied to get what he wanted

The comparisons you drew are very very telling.

Repulsive?

I don’t see it anywhere in OP’s posts that he has explicitly lied. Sounds like they are older and this is a change and/or something he has realised, and had told her. I see many posts on here from women who have realised bisexuality later on in life.

If you/he/whoever remains faithful, I don’t see how who you are attracted to changes anything. I don’t see what there is to ‘reveal’. Bisexuality in of itself has no impact on lifestyle or personality.

It's just subconscious misogyny lol. Deep down they think being penetrated is degrading and something that should only be done to the submissive partner in the relationship (the woman), ergo a man who desires to be penetrated is unmanly and wouldn't be able to dominate them properly :P

This is exactly what it is.

I don’t see anything in OP’s posts about him lying. I don’t see why a person can’t realise this or change later on in life. We see plenty of posts on MN from women who have become bisexual later in life. I see no difference. I’m also not sure what the point of ‘revealing’ is either. What tangible impact does it have?

What does sex between any two men, any two women or any man and a woman have to do with anyone’s individual relationship? How does it have any bearing when you and your partner are only with each other?

For me yes, it is repulsive. For him it might be appealing. For me it certainly is not.

Am anus has one function, and one function only in my life, and I find the idea of sexualising that area as unhygienic, dangerous and not remotely ‘sexy’ at all. As is my choice.

If other people choose to be intimate in that way ofc that is up to them, it is none of my business but it will never be a part of my life.

This is a really interesting thought. I think maybe this and/or a combination of beliefs about bisexual individuals – that they are more likely to cheat/would have an inability to remain faithful, that they are somehow something to find distasteful.

Of course some people find anal sex very distasteful.
The rest is just lazy stereotyping.

But he wouldn’t be performing this type of sex either with or without you. It doesn’t exist unless he’s doing it.

Yes, you can certainly find anal sex distasteful, but what does anal sex as a concept have to do with anyone’s relationship if no one is actually doing it?