Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

[Uberella]

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken.

He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man.

Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends.

I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it.

I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning.

I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

She did, go to my OG post and it's a few up from it.

Missed the 'not' in there!

They already do fancy them, in the case of the OP she married the man....

Well said!

And finding something out about someone can put you right off, and you don't fancy them at all any more. Like that they go to strip clubs, or have a gambling addiction, or are a massive prog rock fan, or like going shooting. And if you feel that way about them being into men, it's equally valid to stop fancying them because of that too.

Or do you think all attraction is purely physical and no one is allowed to change their mind?

You're absolutely right, she is committed for life whether she likes it or not. How silly of me!

On a serious note, you can still love someone and yet leave them because you no longer feel compatible for all kinds of reasons. You don't just stop loving someone.

You seem to be coming from a place of deep hurt and anger.

So, your DH of many years has revealed that out of the blue he's started fancying men. Do you think next time you had sex you'd wonder who he was thinking about while he was doing the deed?

You can’t quote it because she never said it.

I see no issue with a self admission and realisation of bisexuality later in life if you have a spouse or long term partner, but the announcement of it is very strange. Especially to people outside your marriage.

It should be irrelevant, no?

You may want to personally confide in your partner if you feel somehow guilty and dishonest (which I don’t think is reasonable, but I understand), but why the ‘coming out’?

I'm happily married and I think I'm bisexual, I would never cheat or leave my husband. I also don't feel the need to tell everyone. I don't actually think anyone would care. I imagine most my friends would just say okay?

I think it's weird that bisexual people get angry that heterosexual women prefer heterosexual men.

I think that women who are attracted to women don’t behave the same way as men who are attracted to men though. For women it is something that can be ‘shelved’ whilst men often feel compelled to act on their feelings.

This is my experience.

I agree. Male and female sexuality is generally very different. Many gay men have hundreds of partners a year. There may be some lesbians who behave like that, but it's pretty exceptional. IME most lesbians are looking for relationships, not quick hook-ups.

I agree that there's no problem with realisation and self-admission later in life (of any changing viewpoint, philosophy or orientation); but I agree that 'coming out' is a strange thing to do to in relation to your long-term married life partner.

I might start reading about / thinking about / feeling drawn to (for example) veganism, or a particular religion or belief system, or have a realisation about myself and my psyche. But I can only imagine that over a sustained period I would discuss and share that process with my life partner. And if it was a sudden dawning of realisation, then I'd understand and expect that it would be as unexpected for my partner as it was for me, and I hope I'd introduce it with care and respect - particularly where it might affect others.

Literally makes no difference atall he's not coming out as transgender and stating he now wants to be known as a women. He's came out bi fgs which doesn't mean he's going to run off with the next bi sexual man or gay man he sees on the street. Such a closed mind world we live in. Yes he did it in the wrong way. But it's done now he finally knows who he is and I'd rather my partner know who he is than be miserable or worse. This isn't the end of the world for op.

Does your DH fancy women? Do you wonder who he thinks about while having sex with you?

Honestly I don't see the big deal. Straight men are attracted to other women, but in a relationship we expect them to ignore those attractions and have eyes only for their partner. So what changes if someone is also attracted to other men?

Aren't straight men shelving their feelings for other women? So why can't they do the same with their feelings for other men?

But veganism and religious affiliation have an impact and change in lifestyle that may affect your partner. Being bisexual has none if you intend to remain faithful and committed to your existing partner.

Id say confession has been used as he's hid this from her, that's the wrong doing

Sorry, I disagree. I may adopt a new religious affiliation but my intention might be that it doesn't affect my lifestyle. But it would have changed my whole 'world view' and my internal thought process. I can't imagine that a realisation of being bisexual would not similarly impact your world view and your thought process. And wither of those might impact on your long-term life partner.

Why would being bisexual change your ‘world view and thought processes’ other than a different set of people who you find sexually or romantically attractive? I see no impact on a long term partner whatsoever.

Regardless, I specifically said it’s unnecessary to share outside of your marriage and the ‘unreasonable’ part was feeling guilt and dishonesty.

It’s not wrong to find one sex, the other or both attractive and it’s not wrong to not divulge it. It’s no one’s business but the individual’s as it has zero impact on anyone else.

lol op thought she was marrying a straight heterosexual man
not a man who lied basically to her about his sexuality and that’s a pretty big lie

you honestly think he woke up one Wednesday morning 20 years later and thought I’m bisexual - I need to be my authentic self and tell my wife but im
not going to act on it I just want to tell her I’ve been lying for the past 20 years

WTF
you think the husband lying that he is bisexual has nothing to do with his wife

would she have married him if he told her that
judging by what she wrote I don’t think she would have married him

Well I wouldn’t date a vegan any more than I would date a bi sexual man 😂 I wouldn’t have much in common with them

I like to eat meat and generally have meat several time a week And I like meat far to much to change any single part of my lifestyle and I know that myself I would be incompatible with a vegan going by the ones I do know .

And I like my husband /partners to fancy me or a women not another man