Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

[Uberella]

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken.

He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man.

Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends.

I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it.

I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning.

I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

The entitlement is akin to India Willoughby on celebrity big brother when India demanded the fella fancy trans people otherwise he was being bigoted.

This is what a lot of (bi?) people are not understanding - that getting information about your spouse’s sexuality or desires you were not expecting (or wanting) can kill your sexual desire for them, sometimes stone dead in that moment, even if you still love them (or the them you thought you knew).

Can you expand a bit more on this?

So you’re not a straight woman in a relationship with a committed straight man?

The great thing about India is that you could reject her for being an awful person. The trans doesn't have to come into it so you're safe from being called a bigot.

Edited to use India's preferred pronoun, sorry about that.

But it’s not rude to demand straight women stop being ‘biphobic’ and date/stay with bi men?

I’m a straight woman, I’m not embarrassed or affronted to say so.

Do you know what is most weird about this, is that fair enough he's bisexual and let's say he has no intention of cheating on you... Still by announcing that he's bisexual, he's saying to you, "I've been thinking about other men but don't worry I'm not going to act on it". Can you imagine if I (hetero female) said that to my husband, or children? They'd be so disturbed. Like you might think of "they're fit" but you wouldn't tell your husband and children because it's disturbing.

Obviously not sure how he can come out as bisexual without putting this disturbing thought in your head but Im just saying I can see how you are disturbed by it.

Also sexuality is part of your identity so I can also understand that you may feel like he was hiding part of himself from you for years which can cause emotional distance.

They've been called on their prejudice is all.

People can be as prejudiced as they like when selecting intimate partners.
To suggest otherwise is uncomfortable.

Again, no one has said his being bisexuality is disgusting. Can you quote who said it?

I don't think it would bother me whether my partner was heterosexual or bisexual, so long as they were monogamous. I suppose your DH realising he finds both men and women attractive is important to him and he has wanted to share this with his family. However, while he is married to you it's actually irrelevant and it would be kinder to let you come to terms with this before he tells everyone he knows.

I'm bi and open about it but have been and would be faithful. They are not the same thing at all.

More likely gay and the bisexual line is to somehow soften the blow

I precisely said it is something that I can't rationally defend and that doesn't need rationally defending.

The use of quote marks in a sentence totally separate from the one quoting you is my own choice of words. I am perfectly entitled to frame phrases with quote marks if I want to, it doesn't mean I am quoting you. But maybe you have draconian rules about the use of punctuation as well as everything else.

Also, sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not at all angry about anything. Nor am I arguing anything. I'm just saying how I feel, and that is not open to debate or moral judgement.

I know right? It’s the one area in life where it is allowed for you to be as prejudice, blinkered, bigoted, choosy, whatever, as you like. It’s irrelevant whether those choices offend people. It would be a dystopian world that made people pick a partner who had traits they actively didn’t want. You are allowed to not date someone for absolutely any reason you want and it is not unlawful, be it race, sexuality, money, aesthetics, intelligence, hair colour, height, weight - anything!!

'I have no issue with anyone who isn't.straight.
.'Not because I'm homophobic'
..
Since when has it.been homophobic to be furious that you have been made to live a lie with a man who withheld from you certain important facts about himself?
Don't be apologetic for being livid. Don't worry that people might think you are.homohobic. They won't.Most people would be as uncomfortable as you in a similar situation.
Be as angry as you like. It's justified.

Your feelings are completely valid. You’ve put so much into your relationship and your family, and now it feels like the trust you had in him has been wiped out. It must be a lot to take in, and it’s totally understandable to feel hurt, confused or angry. It’s no surprise this shifts your whole perspective.

It would put me off my husband, for sure.

I don't give a toss about what other men fancy.It's none of my business. I wouldn't dream of questioning them why they fancy or don't fancy what they fancy, and you grilling me in a court of law to defend my own preferences is frankly ludicrous.

That's not what harms women's rights. It's your insistence that they must grit their teeth and force themselves, against their natural inclinations, to fancy someone so as not to offend against some ideological rule you have set up.

Of course some women won't mind either way, and that's fine too.

No she didn't. She said she would feel disgust at the thought of her husband with another man.

How is it though? India was trying to insist that people who fancy women should also fancy trans women, who are men. Heterosexual women fancy men, that is in the definition. Heterosexual doesn’t mean “I fancy straight people” it means “I fancy people of the opposite sex” which bisexual men are.

I’m bi and completely agree that your wish to only be with a straight man is absolutely valid and not remotely phobic. People throw ‘phobia’ around far too much. Hating people is really not the same as finding their sexual activity a personal turn off. I find the idea of two men together really unappealing and I’m obviously not biphobic. I get why some straight people wouldn’t want to date me. Some lesbians wouldn’t. Perhaps he really has no intention to act but wanted to reassure his daughters that he accepts their sexuality?

I've no skin in the game as both myself and my late husband were straight, so I've no idea how I would feel if it were different. I'm in no position to advise.

However, OP asked for a hand-hold and I'm not seeing any awful lot of hand-holding on this thread except for a minority of compassionate posts. I do see a lot of wider discussion and "phobic" bandied around. Probably just me but I am sick of the modern/fashionable? widespread use of phobia. Seem pretty much everything that causes an individual a problem is too often dismissed as phobia.

I don't think this is helpful to the OP. I'm not surprised she hasn't come back.

You do realise that saying "I'm heterosexual" doesn't mean you have to fancy every single person of the opposite sex, right?

I don't fancy men way older or younger than me. That doesn't make me ageist. I don't fancy men who come from a completely different culture and so don't speak my language. That doesn't make me racist.

I don't fancy men who can't keep up with me intellectually. I don't fancy men way shorter than myself. I don't fancy men who mansplain. I don't fancy men who sleep with prostitutes. The list goes on and on.

If, added to that, I said I don't fancy men who sleep with men, that wouldn't make me homophobic. My sexual preferences are mine alone and are no one else's business apart from whoever I'm sleeping with.

No, obviously. That’s fine. But it’s not remotely the same as saying to someone who fancies women, “you also have to fancy biological men who say they’re women”.

Yes, what India said was ludicrous. Perhaps I misunderstood your post. My point is that people can fancy whoever they like - no one should throw around labels like transphobic, biphobic or anything else just because someone won't sleep with them.